JR: So what's up? How's work?
Jhen: Work is ok, thanks.
I was just talking to Mom... Sunday (shocking) is when she would like to celebrate with you (us). Is there anything you would like in particular?
Do you want to eat at her place or go out? I spoke to Fonz, he is going to both (Friday and Sunday).
Also, I was online with Gladys the other night, she has plans on Friday night and is working a double on Saturday but she doesn't have to be at work on Sunday until 5pm, so I invited her to have brunch with us. I told her about the videos... she wants to see them, so maybe we can all go to Mom's after. That is assuming you and I are having brunch on Sunday. Let me know.
So what do you want to do? Eat at Mom's? Go out somewhere?
Also, do you want to invite Kenny?
If we eat at Mom's is there something specific you want to eat? Of course you can have this conversation with her..LOL
JR: Coño chica, how long did u speak with her lol. I guess we can just eat in. Save everyone a lot of money. Gladys should definitely come through and watch the videos lol. Kenny should come too.
About the food, idk how does white rice black beans the plantains juan makes with the cheese inside. How do u feel about mashed potatoes? Havnt had that in a while. And choice of meat idk. Some of that pasta juan makes also. Oh and some guacamole. Mmmmmmmmmm.
Yes Sunday is good for brunch.
I'm in.
Jhen: For meat maybe we can do fried steak. Haven't seen that in a while either.
What do you think? Then we can give mom the menu.
Are you going to be ok staying up til late Sunday afternoon? Fonz isn't going to get there until at least 4.
JR: True LOL. La cocina de hoy.
Please I'm so used to not sleepin. I hate wasting my weekends. Plus with everyone there I'll be up lol
Jhen: Wait so--- fried steak? Or something else?
I will invite Kenny to Mom's. Gladys can go with us to breakfast because she has to go to work. What time should I tell her? 10?
JR: Yea 10 and yes fried steak.
Jhen: Ok. done. I spoke with her (mom).
She has the menu and wrote it down, or at least she made it seem like she was writing it down.
So 4pm for dinner but I told her you, Gladys and I will come by after breakfast. She said fine, but we have to stay in the living room. (as if anyone wants to be in that hot a#$ kitchen). I told her fine, because we are going to watch videos.
Also. I am going to invite Kenny to mom's. Should I tell him to meet us there? Or should he go to breakfast? I am not paying for his a#$.
PS I know you don't like cake... but.. if you had a choice of dessert what would it be? For the pictures
JR: Whoa whoa whoa....no pictures sister Erazo. How does cheese cake sound? Cheese cake with some coffee, mmmmmm
U got me laughing. "hot ass kitchen" "kenny's broke ass"
Just invite him to ma's cuz he won't have any money. Cuz ballas don't carry cash, they carry change!!!! Booyakasha!
Saturday, September 12, 2009
Monday, August 3, 2009
Sunday, July 26, 2009
Junior on Hiatus- part 3
Mireya told me today I should get a nose job.... para que me vea mas bonita.
Damn it, Junior. Write something already.
Damn it, Junior. Write something already.
Thursday, July 23, 2009
Junior on hiatus... part 2
The following is actually a guest blog by my dear friend, Jessica, who is equally, if not funnier (yes, I said it), than Junior.
This is a compilation of emails that were sent during her call in for jury duty this past May. By the way, she doesn’t know she is guest blogging.
Glad I keep all important emails in reserve for just this type of situation…
I'm sitting in effing jury duty and man, are there some crazy cats here. I got called for a panel at 10 yesterday and was in voie dire until 4:00!! There were only 6 of us in the room being questioned by 8 lawyers. Some of the other people on the panel consisted of Slow Talker, the 25-year-old doofus who could barely put a sentence together, Really Old Eccentric Guy, who was 104 and answered every question with a soliloquy and Plastic Surgery Woman, who, when asked how she looked so good for her age by another juror, gave some bullsh!t answer about healthy living but never once mentioned her surgeon.
Today we have Screechy Skinny Boy with Purse, Terribly Hip Guy With Plaid Shirt and Leather Tie and 142-year-old Woman With Three Teeth. Screechy is stomping his cute little wellie-covered feet in protest against being here while trying not to bump into walls because he's too fabulous to take his sunglasses off inside. Hip is lounging around playing with his iPhone and being unshowered. Old Women is toothlessly telling me about her 9 "babies", some of whom have babies themselves. From what I've been able to understand one of the babies has a baby "in her belly." This place needs its own reality show.
Seriously - if you could see and hear the freaks in this joint. I think the best way to keep people from committing crimes would be to let them see the retards who could potentially make up the "jury of their peers". I'm not even going to freaking jaywalk any more! The panel I was on yesterday revealed some real rocket scientists. Slow Talker was asked (in regard to the case we were being presented, where a man was seriously and permanently injured in an auto accident) if he had ever sustained a traumatic injury. Ten minutes later (because that's how long it took homeboy's synapses to fire), he answers "well, I, like, broke my pinky once playing football . . ." I almost fell of my chair with laughter. On our questionnaire they asked about our job history and specifically if we had ever worked in the medical field. Old Eccentric Guy apparently just lied altogether because when asked about his career in the medical field they finally got him to admit that he just had aspirations of being a nurse when he was growing up during the Civil War or whatever. Screechy won't sit in the chair I just offered him because it looks dirty to him. I think he's practicing his walk for Fashion Week out in the hallway right now. That or he's just trying to break in his rain boots that he bought in the Junior's department at Macy's. I just overheard a conversation between two of Our People who are going to try to pretend they don't speak English to get out of jury duty. My favorite moment from yesterday was when Slow Talker said to an African man in traditional dress: "Hey, man. I like your outfit."
You can't make this shit up.
This is a compilation of emails that were sent during her call in for jury duty this past May. By the way, she doesn’t know she is guest blogging.
Glad I keep all important emails in reserve for just this type of situation…
I'm sitting in effing jury duty and man, are there some crazy cats here. I got called for a panel at 10 yesterday and was in voie dire until 4:00!! There were only 6 of us in the room being questioned by 8 lawyers. Some of the other people on the panel consisted of Slow Talker, the 25-year-old doofus who could barely put a sentence together, Really Old Eccentric Guy, who was 104 and answered every question with a soliloquy and Plastic Surgery Woman, who, when asked how she looked so good for her age by another juror, gave some bullsh!t answer about healthy living but never once mentioned her surgeon.
Today we have Screechy Skinny Boy with Purse, Terribly Hip Guy With Plaid Shirt and Leather Tie and 142-year-old Woman With Three Teeth. Screechy is stomping his cute little wellie-covered feet in protest against being here while trying not to bump into walls because he's too fabulous to take his sunglasses off inside. Hip is lounging around playing with his iPhone and being unshowered. Old Women is toothlessly telling me about her 9 "babies", some of whom have babies themselves. From what I've been able to understand one of the babies has a baby "in her belly." This place needs its own reality show.
Seriously - if you could see and hear the freaks in this joint. I think the best way to keep people from committing crimes would be to let them see the retards who could potentially make up the "jury of their peers". I'm not even going to freaking jaywalk any more! The panel I was on yesterday revealed some real rocket scientists. Slow Talker was asked (in regard to the case we were being presented, where a man was seriously and permanently injured in an auto accident) if he had ever sustained a traumatic injury. Ten minutes later (because that's how long it took homeboy's synapses to fire), he answers "well, I, like, broke my pinky once playing football . . ." I almost fell of my chair with laughter. On our questionnaire they asked about our job history and specifically if we had ever worked in the medical field. Old Eccentric Guy apparently just lied altogether because when asked about his career in the medical field they finally got him to admit that he just had aspirations of being a nurse when he was growing up during the Civil War or whatever. Screechy won't sit in the chair I just offered him because it looks dirty to him. I think he's practicing his walk for Fashion Week out in the hallway right now. That or he's just trying to break in his rain boots that he bought in the Junior's department at Macy's. I just overheard a conversation between two of Our People who are going to try to pretend they don't speak English to get out of jury duty. My favorite moment from yesterday was when Slow Talker said to an African man in traditional dress: "Hey, man. I like your outfit."
You can't make this shit up.
Monday, July 20, 2009
My Turn
Junior is on some kind of sabbatical- something about "writer's block" (read: lazy ass)- which means I have to fill. Sorry everyone.
Last night we all had the pleasure of going to my mom's for a (only slightly) belated birthday situation.
Two weeks late, to be exact. By all accounts, in terms of Latin People Time, she was probably early.
My mom likes to punish us for having the audacity to go on vacation on our birthdays(or any major holiday) and not spending it with her. (read: enjoying ourselves without her).
Even though I was home the following weekend, at which time I thought we would gather and celebrate together as a family, she decided it was more important to spend the day at the beach.
Anyway, not that I am ungrateful.
I love having a birthday cake which has my name spelled incorrectly.
Saturday, July 11, 2009
(back to florida recap) Day 3 part 2-disney
We're finally here. It was bad enough I had to sit in the car wanting to kill myself. So we park the car, and I get out, now I can't even stand up straight cause my ass is completely numb. The weather was scorching. It must of been at most 95-98 degrees. Caitlin and I put on this crazy amount of neutrogena sunblock before we headed to the bus stop that takes us to the monorail then to the park.
As we're waiting for the bus I look and I can't even imagine the amount of people that are here. This shit reminds of home. Between 69th and 74th street on Roosevelt, you know where juan's brothers, cousins, and friends all chill with their cups of coffee and deli style sandwiches waiting for the beaner van to roll up then start goin crazy trying to get in like there's a million dollars hidden inside the van to take just a few, not all of em, a few back to their destination. While the other ones angrily scream COÑO MENG, ORALE WAY YO ESTABA AQUI DESDE AYER WAY, NO ME HAGA ESO POR FAVOR, YO PINTO MEJOR QUEL OTRO.
The bus finally comes and everybody goes bananas to climb on this thing like there isn't another one coming like seriously cmon now niggas calm down. When we get to the park first thing I wanted to do was strip. There was not one fucking shade in sight. My pits were soaked and fuckin kickin' but not so bad where you can smell em without lifting up your arms. I bet a lot of you know wat I'm talking about. My shirt is drenched and sticken to my back. My ass is mad sweaty and I have this massive wedgy all up in my crack and I can't even pick it cause of all these people. And I know they don't know I have one cause sometimes depending what you have on you can tell. It's like you see someone with this nasty ass wedgy in front of you and in your head your like wow you really need to pick that shit pronto...cmon now motivate, MOTIVATE. So I'm scouting to see who's looking in my direction when I see that no one is and so I go in for the pick. But think about it, there's always that one person that catches you. Now like I told you I had a massive fuckin wedgy so it's not like its one easy pick and your good to go, no, I really had to dig into this bitch and like yank it out. So I did and what a relief. As I look around to see if anyone caught me taking the fuckin leach that was eating my culito, I spotted this guy that was looking at me with disgust. You know when someone is staring at you then when you look at em they just suddenly look in another direction, well that's wat this guy did. Like c’mon bro I just caught you lookin where you goin where you goin. And it's not like we were somewhere else where I didn't have to worry about seeing him again, no we were in fuckin Disney. I saw this guy everywhere I went. It came to a point where I was given this guy a waddup every time I saw him.
So now caitlin decides to start it off with a water ride cool us down cause she was also sweatin buckets. Her back was sweaty, her forehead glistening in the sun, and her little mustache that was empapado de sudor. Well it was a good idea about starting off with a water ride but this line was maaad fuckin long. I think we waited for about an hour. Every time we moved up it was like a foot every 5 minutes. So we get on the ride. It's turning here, turning there, now we're goin up the ramp to make a drop and people are screaming. I'm like wat the hell are you screaming for, shit ain't even doin nothing yet. So this one lady towards the back screams OMG!!! I'M GONNA DIE!!! As we're dropping, in my head I'm like OMG!!! I HOPE THE BAR THATS NOT EVEN REALLY SECURE BREAKS AND YOU FALL IN THE WATER!!!! It's like Mireya screaming in one of those rides HAY!!!! HAHA!!!!! ME VOY A MORIR!!!!!!! HAYYY JUNIOR AGARRAME LA MANO!!!
so caitlin and i are nice and cool. we decide to smoke a stogey but the only problem is we cant just smoke any where we want. we had to look for the smokers area. so we look in the map and theres these blue squares scattered around the whole park. so when we find one we get in the blue line and now we're in the box, the "smokers area", fuckin disney has to isolate us like we're carrying a disease. we're smoking away and as im finishing my soda walking towards the garbage there’s this little boy that’s in front it picking his nose. now this little fucker is like all up in his shit. like he's trying to pick his brains. so i didnt want to get near him incase he tried to sneak it on me so i let him finish but what i didnt think was that he was gonna put it on the garbage pale. these arent the ones that are wide open from the top. you have to slide the door in and and dump your shit. so this little son of bitch with the fuckin booger had to put it on the door. and this was a loooong sucker im talkin like there was no way around it for me to dump the bottle. so im fuckin staring at this nasty ass green booger that slimed his way in my direction and i said fuck it i aint touchin that. the next garbage pale was like another mile away i might as well just wait hopefully the little shit doesn't end up over there pickin the other side of his nose.
As we're waiting for the bus I look and I can't even imagine the amount of people that are here. This shit reminds of home. Between 69th and 74th street on Roosevelt, you know where juan's brothers, cousins, and friends all chill with their cups of coffee and deli style sandwiches waiting for the beaner van to roll up then start goin crazy trying to get in like there's a million dollars hidden inside the van to take just a few, not all of em, a few back to their destination. While the other ones angrily scream COÑO MENG, ORALE WAY YO ESTABA AQUI DESDE AYER WAY, NO ME HAGA ESO POR FAVOR, YO PINTO MEJOR QUEL OTRO.
The bus finally comes and everybody goes bananas to climb on this thing like there isn't another one coming like seriously cmon now niggas calm down. When we get to the park first thing I wanted to do was strip. There was not one fucking shade in sight. My pits were soaked and fuckin kickin' but not so bad where you can smell em without lifting up your arms. I bet a lot of you know wat I'm talking about. My shirt is drenched and sticken to my back. My ass is mad sweaty and I have this massive wedgy all up in my crack and I can't even pick it cause of all these people. And I know they don't know I have one cause sometimes depending what you have on you can tell. It's like you see someone with this nasty ass wedgy in front of you and in your head your like wow you really need to pick that shit pronto...cmon now motivate, MOTIVATE. So I'm scouting to see who's looking in my direction when I see that no one is and so I go in for the pick. But think about it, there's always that one person that catches you. Now like I told you I had a massive fuckin wedgy so it's not like its one easy pick and your good to go, no, I really had to dig into this bitch and like yank it out. So I did and what a relief. As I look around to see if anyone caught me taking the fuckin leach that was eating my culito, I spotted this guy that was looking at me with disgust. You know when someone is staring at you then when you look at em they just suddenly look in another direction, well that's wat this guy did. Like c’mon bro I just caught you lookin where you goin where you goin. And it's not like we were somewhere else where I didn't have to worry about seeing him again, no we were in fuckin Disney. I saw this guy everywhere I went. It came to a point where I was given this guy a waddup every time I saw him.
So now caitlin decides to start it off with a water ride cool us down cause she was also sweatin buckets. Her back was sweaty, her forehead glistening in the sun, and her little mustache that was empapado de sudor. Well it was a good idea about starting off with a water ride but this line was maaad fuckin long. I think we waited for about an hour. Every time we moved up it was like a foot every 5 minutes. So we get on the ride. It's turning here, turning there, now we're goin up the ramp to make a drop and people are screaming. I'm like wat the hell are you screaming for, shit ain't even doin nothing yet. So this one lady towards the back screams OMG!!! I'M GONNA DIE!!! As we're dropping, in my head I'm like OMG!!! I HOPE THE BAR THATS NOT EVEN REALLY SECURE BREAKS AND YOU FALL IN THE WATER!!!! It's like Mireya screaming in one of those rides HAY!!!! HAHA!!!!! ME VOY A MORIR!!!!!!! HAYYY JUNIOR AGARRAME LA MANO!!!
so caitlin and i are nice and cool. we decide to smoke a stogey but the only problem is we cant just smoke any where we want. we had to look for the smokers area. so we look in the map and theres these blue squares scattered around the whole park. so when we find one we get in the blue line and now we're in the box, the "smokers area", fuckin disney has to isolate us like we're carrying a disease. we're smoking away and as im finishing my soda walking towards the garbage there’s this little boy that’s in front it picking his nose. now this little fucker is like all up in his shit. like he's trying to pick his brains. so i didnt want to get near him incase he tried to sneak it on me so i let him finish but what i didnt think was that he was gonna put it on the garbage pale. these arent the ones that are wide open from the top. you have to slide the door in and and dump your shit. so this little son of bitch with the fuckin booger had to put it on the door. and this was a loooong sucker im talkin like there was no way around it for me to dump the bottle. so im fuckin staring at this nasty ass green booger that slimed his way in my direction and i said fuck it i aint touchin that. the next garbage pale was like another mile away i might as well just wait hopefully the little shit doesn't end up over there pickin the other side of his nose.
Thursday, July 9, 2009
Oh..my loving family (JUNIOR NEEDED A BREAK FROM TAMPA TO REMINISCE)
Let me start off by saying I love them all. Mireya- wonderful woman...sometimes. There was a time when she was a germaphobe. This lady hated it when someone drank from her glass or used her utensils to try something off her plate. I remember a few times I would run into the kitchen and ask if the food was ready and at the same time there would be a glass of coca-cola just sitting there helplessly waiting to be grabbed. As I'm staring at it, it talks to me-"agarrame" "tomate un tragito" I'm like 4yrs old what do you think I was gonna do. So as I'm sipping away Mireya turns around and quickly says "hay nonononono sirvame otro, yo no quiero esa ya".
At the time it didn't bother me cause I didn't understand but when I think about it now it's like fuckin bitch treated us like aliens. If I was older then, I would of said check it bitch, look at your I.d. Does it say resident? Fuck no it don't, it says A L I E N. YOU E.T. You don't drink out of my cup.
There were times when I would be chilling in the room watching tv when suddenly Mireya walks in. "hay que calor" "que calorrr" and then starts to strip. I honestly don't know how many mothers do this in front of their 4yr olds but cut the shit. It ain't fuckin healthy for us. Worse part about it was when she would strip then suddenly catch a cramp on her hip and then having to watch her stretch. Fuckin saggy ass titis all up in the way, hairy and long ass bush that looked like she hadn't shaved since she found out she was pregnant with fonz.
This wasn't a once in a blue thing. This was a daily routine of my life then. I remember when it was time to go to bed. I would pray to sleep in my room on the top bunk while fonz slept in the bottom...never happened. I remember the call "junior, ya venga" "a dormir" i would be in the room watching tv with fonz when Mireya would give me the call. I would just pretend I didn't hear her even though her voice is like a police siren.. She would keep yelling "juniorrrrrrrr" "venga ahoraaaaaaa", when I look at fonz, he's looking at me and all he says was you better go kid before she comes in here and carries your ass over there. Sometimes he would say hurry up pretend your sleeping pretend your sleeping. So it's not like I was unable to hear her coming as she clapped her way to the room with her chankletas and grabbed me. Brings me to the room, lays me down right smack in the between her and my pops so I wouldn't escape. When I was in the middle it was almost impossible to get out. I would actually wait till they competed in a snoring competition. When both were really loud I knew it was my chance. But I was in the middle so I needed a plan still cause any sudden movements she would wake up, so I faked having to take a piss. I would be in the bathroom fill up a cup with water and just pour it in the toilet so it'll sound like I was going. I would flush, then walk in the room but not climb back in. Now you see I didn't go straight to fonz' room cuz I knew Mireya was expecting me to come back. So I shook the foot of the bed to give the illusion that I was climbing back on. And that's when I would make my exit.
As I got a little bigger I really didn't fit in the middle anymore now I would sleep at the edge. But I hated it. I always wanted to sleep in my bed. So since I was the edge it was easier to escape cuz I would just roll off and she wouldn't notice. As I RAN FOR MY LIFE to fonz' room I Would climb up to my bed and sleep. Minutes later I start to hear clapping coming towards the room and it was Mireya coming to take her slave back to the cage. As much as I liked to sleep at the edge of the bed cuz it was easier to leave, there was always a catch.
This one time...I was 5yrs old, and I remember I was knocked out till Mireya woke me up but just by checking to see if I was asleep. I felt her move me cause I had my back towards her but I didn't open my eyes. I hear her whisper "junior" "junior" "estas despierto" but I didn't want to respond cause I didn't want her to know I was awake waiting for her to fall asleep. SUDDENLY OUT OF NOWHERE THE BED STARTS SHAKING, MY BODY STARTS FUCKIN JUMPING UP AND DOWN, LIKES THERES A FUCKIN EARTHQUAKE GOIN ON ONLY IN THE ROOM. When I look over to see my mother was on top of my father underneath the sheets with her hands by his neck just fuckin hoppin up and down up and down, oh my god I was so scared I didn't know what was happening, I didn't know if she was trying to kill him, choke him, or wat but I think he was fighting for his life cuz I know I heard grunts I know I did, but I knew there was nothing I could do so ran out of there saving my own life. I ran into the living room hiding in a corner rolled up like a ball hoping Mireya won't find me. All I could think about was oh my god she probably got to fonz before I could warn him about her rampage......but then she found me. I couldn't even look at her, my body shaking as she gets closer. She drops to her knees and says "que paso mijito?" and I told her "tu estabas matando a papi en la cama" and she says "como?" "hahaha, yo no le mate, estábamos jugando el salte del tigere".
At the time it didn't bother me cause I didn't understand but when I think about it now it's like fuckin bitch treated us like aliens. If I was older then, I would of said check it bitch, look at your I.d. Does it say resident? Fuck no it don't, it says A L I E N. YOU E.T. You don't drink out of my cup.
There were times when I would be chilling in the room watching tv when suddenly Mireya walks in. "hay que calor" "que calorrr" and then starts to strip. I honestly don't know how many mothers do this in front of their 4yr olds but cut the shit. It ain't fuckin healthy for us. Worse part about it was when she would strip then suddenly catch a cramp on her hip and then having to watch her stretch. Fuckin saggy ass titis all up in the way, hairy and long ass bush that looked like she hadn't shaved since she found out she was pregnant with fonz.
This wasn't a once in a blue thing. This was a daily routine of my life then. I remember when it was time to go to bed. I would pray to sleep in my room on the top bunk while fonz slept in the bottom...never happened. I remember the call "junior, ya venga" "a dormir" i would be in the room watching tv with fonz when Mireya would give me the call. I would just pretend I didn't hear her even though her voice is like a police siren.. She would keep yelling "juniorrrrrrrr" "venga ahoraaaaaaa", when I look at fonz, he's looking at me and all he says was you better go kid before she comes in here and carries your ass over there. Sometimes he would say hurry up pretend your sleeping pretend your sleeping. So it's not like I was unable to hear her coming as she clapped her way to the room with her chankletas and grabbed me. Brings me to the room, lays me down right smack in the between her and my pops so I wouldn't escape. When I was in the middle it was almost impossible to get out. I would actually wait till they competed in a snoring competition. When both were really loud I knew it was my chance. But I was in the middle so I needed a plan still cause any sudden movements she would wake up, so I faked having to take a piss. I would be in the bathroom fill up a cup with water and just pour it in the toilet so it'll sound like I was going. I would flush, then walk in the room but not climb back in. Now you see I didn't go straight to fonz' room cuz I knew Mireya was expecting me to come back. So I shook the foot of the bed to give the illusion that I was climbing back on. And that's when I would make my exit.
As I got a little bigger I really didn't fit in the middle anymore now I would sleep at the edge. But I hated it. I always wanted to sleep in my bed. So since I was the edge it was easier to escape cuz I would just roll off and she wouldn't notice. As I RAN FOR MY LIFE to fonz' room I Would climb up to my bed and sleep. Minutes later I start to hear clapping coming towards the room and it was Mireya coming to take her slave back to the cage. As much as I liked to sleep at the edge of the bed cuz it was easier to leave, there was always a catch.
This one time...I was 5yrs old, and I remember I was knocked out till Mireya woke me up but just by checking to see if I was asleep. I felt her move me cause I had my back towards her but I didn't open my eyes. I hear her whisper "junior" "junior" "estas despierto" but I didn't want to respond cause I didn't want her to know I was awake waiting for her to fall asleep. SUDDENLY OUT OF NOWHERE THE BED STARTS SHAKING, MY BODY STARTS FUCKIN JUMPING UP AND DOWN, LIKES THERES A FUCKIN EARTHQUAKE GOIN ON ONLY IN THE ROOM. When I look over to see my mother was on top of my father underneath the sheets with her hands by his neck just fuckin hoppin up and down up and down, oh my god I was so scared I didn't know what was happening, I didn't know if she was trying to kill him, choke him, or wat but I think he was fighting for his life cuz I know I heard grunts I know I did, but I knew there was nothing I could do so ran out of there saving my own life. I ran into the living room hiding in a corner rolled up like a ball hoping Mireya won't find me. All I could think about was oh my god she probably got to fonz before I could warn him about her rampage......but then she found me. I couldn't even look at her, my body shaking as she gets closer. She drops to her knees and says "que paso mijito?" and I told her "tu estabas matando a papi en la cama" and she says "como?" "hahaha, yo no le mate, estábamos jugando el salte del tigere".
Florida Day 3-on the way to Disney
So now it's day 3 in boring ass Tampa Florida. It's about 10 something a.m.
I'm fuckin freazin cause I got snowflake sleepin next to me blastin the A.C. Down to like -40 degrees. I have icicles growing outta my nose and my nipples are crazy hard, so hard I can stab somebody in the face with these babies. So to follow the routine tv goes on traveling bitches shows up, tears from my eyes come down, freeze half way through, go downstairs get some coffee eat some stale ass bagels before we hit the road jack.
Now we're in the car setting up our cheap ass GPS to get us to Disney.Yay!!!!!!
Snowball and I are just hoping that the GPS doesn't fuck us over.
Every time we drove somewhere the son of a bitch in the machine kept saying there wasn't any satellite connection.
So we're on the road and if I remember correctly it was about a 2hr/ half trip. But what I do remember was that it was the most painful car ride I think I've ever been in. And of course I'm gonna tell you why you silly goose. All we had to listen to the whole ride there was the mamma mia soundtrack and a few others that made my ears bleed. I couldn't take it...only 5 minutes on the road and I already wanted to unbuckle the seatbelt, open the door and JUMP!!!!
But I was anxious to go to Disney cause I never had the chance to when I was younger.
Mireya was workin 3 jobs as a seamstress at 3 different factories I'm assuming like almost every inmigrante. Except for the ones that work underneath the 61st street train station on Roosevelt ave selling Tamales!!!!!!!!!! Tenemos tamalesratoneschuletas y chorrisos!!!!!!
Luis was working at colbart art making some big ass estatuas de la libertad and some fridge magnets which he loved to hand out to everyone he knew.
While they were working I was home...with my beautiful sister who practically tried to rip my head off of my shoulders with a towel, and my brother who stood up thinkin he was the real slim shady, rappin not even an inch away from my face. So god damn close I could smell his breath and feel his saliva burning my face like it was acid with every verse he spat. But those two I'm gonna leave for another day.
So yes I was anxious. So I needed a plan to survive this torture. So I rolled down the window hoping someone on the next lane was driving the same speed so I can listen in on there radio. I tried and I prayed but nothing. Whack DMC over here had me humming to S.O.S when suddenly I hear a faded big pimpin by jay z driving up behind us on the next lane. So I rolled down the window all the way, look over to frosty and tell her I'm gettin nauseous so I stick my head out lookin like the joker in the dark knight. Jammin to my shit yo. So I'm boppin away boppin away when the music starts to fade. Now I'm trying to yell come back come back, but not too loud to give away my position. I'm over here sounding like Rose in titanic when she tried callin the boats to come back but couldn't yell cause her throat was frozen. The only difference was that I didn't have a whistle. As jay z exited from my life there was nothing left for me to do but take in the noise coming from the stereo and just wait till we got to Disney.
I'm fuckin freazin cause I got snowflake sleepin next to me blastin the A.C. Down to like -40 degrees. I have icicles growing outta my nose and my nipples are crazy hard, so hard I can stab somebody in the face with these babies. So to follow the routine tv goes on traveling bitches shows up, tears from my eyes come down, freeze half way through, go downstairs get some coffee eat some stale ass bagels before we hit the road jack.
Now we're in the car setting up our cheap ass GPS to get us to Disney.Yay!!!!!!
Snowball and I are just hoping that the GPS doesn't fuck us over.
Every time we drove somewhere the son of a bitch in the machine kept saying there wasn't any satellite connection.
So we're on the road and if I remember correctly it was about a 2hr/ half trip. But what I do remember was that it was the most painful car ride I think I've ever been in. And of course I'm gonna tell you why you silly goose. All we had to listen to the whole ride there was the mamma mia soundtrack and a few others that made my ears bleed. I couldn't take it...only 5 minutes on the road and I already wanted to unbuckle the seatbelt, open the door and JUMP!!!!
But I was anxious to go to Disney cause I never had the chance to when I was younger.
Mireya was workin 3 jobs as a seamstress at 3 different factories I'm assuming like almost every inmigrante. Except for the ones that work underneath the 61st street train station on Roosevelt ave selling Tamales!!!!!!!!!! Tenemos tamalesratoneschuletas y chorrisos!!!!!!
Luis was working at colbart art making some big ass estatuas de la libertad and some fridge magnets which he loved to hand out to everyone he knew.
While they were working I was home...with my beautiful sister who practically tried to rip my head off of my shoulders with a towel, and my brother who stood up thinkin he was the real slim shady, rappin not even an inch away from my face. So god damn close I could smell his breath and feel his saliva burning my face like it was acid with every verse he spat. But those two I'm gonna leave for another day.
So yes I was anxious. So I needed a plan to survive this torture. So I rolled down the window hoping someone on the next lane was driving the same speed so I can listen in on there radio. I tried and I prayed but nothing. Whack DMC over here had me humming to S.O.S when suddenly I hear a faded big pimpin by jay z driving up behind us on the next lane. So I rolled down the window all the way, look over to frosty and tell her I'm gettin nauseous so I stick my head out lookin like the joker in the dark knight. Jammin to my shit yo. So I'm boppin away boppin away when the music starts to fade. Now I'm trying to yell come back come back, but not too loud to give away my position. I'm over here sounding like Rose in titanic when she tried callin the boats to come back but couldn't yell cause her throat was frozen. The only difference was that I didn't have a whistle. As jay z exited from my life there was nothing left for me to do but take in the noise coming from the stereo and just wait till we got to Disney.
Wednesday, July 1, 2009
Junior in Tampa- Day 2 (Part 2)
Alright so I head back upstairs after my massive Rocky workout (5mins on the treadmill, 10 pushups, and 10 jumping jacks). Take a shower, brush the fuck outta my teeth because I don't need anybody else telling me I have trippies hot ass breath.
I go downstairs to get caitlin and myself some coffee cause the breakfast here sucks. It consists of old ass mother fuckin bagels and bananas. And believe me them bagels are old.
So caitlin gets ready, hop in the car, and shoot out to grandma's. When we get there, guess who we see rockin' the white tank, khakis, and some sexy ass chankletas with some crusty ass toes lookin like mireya's feet. You got it. It was grandpa by the dirty ass lake feeding his friends some bread crumbs......the ducks. We go over to say hello then make our way into the crib. Truth is only one of us really came to say hello to grandma cause I wanted to see wat she was cookin.
Grandma was cooking white.......wait, Jen get ready and grab some napkins. Your friends don't need to see you drooling. White rice, black beans mmmm yummy Tino, groundbeef mixed with potatoes, sweet plantains, and yuca. So as we're waiting for the food grandma starts talking to me about Mireya. She tells me how she called the crib yesterday asking how I was, and if I was dead or alive because I didn't call her when we got here. So I tell grandma Mireya is losing it now that she has new children to take care of. Before you know it the house phone starts ringin. Caitlin and I are in the smokers cage and grandma opens the door and hands me the phone and I take it not even asking her who it is first, but it's too late now cause it's already in my grasp and it's burning my hand and I don't know why. As I pull the phone to my ear, I look at grandma and she has this fake ass serious look on her face which seems like any second now she's about to laugh or that
she's constipated.
So I say hello and all I hear is a gritón. "hola!!!!!! Hijo. Soy yo tu única madre del mundo. Te acuerdas de mi? Yo no creo porque tu no me llamas. Estoy aquí preocupada porque no sabía si estabas muerto. No a podrido dormir. Por que no me llamastes mi hijo lindo? Tu sabes que yo a llorado porque nadie me estraña. Hay!!!!!! Me quiero morir.
So as i waited for the right moment to strike with an excuse. I looked at grandma and she's just hysterical. The only person I trusted in this whole world just jerked me. I feel like she just stuck her finger up my ass like she did with the suppository years ago. So I get to Mireya and tell her "I'm sorry, es que yo estaba muy ocupado" she says "o si??? Y con que??? Porque si yo me acuerdo bien tu estas en tu vacaciones y yo haca haciendo nada.. So obviously I didn't think it through too much due to the shock I got from grandma's prank......that biOtch.
I go downstairs to get caitlin and myself some coffee cause the breakfast here sucks. It consists of old ass mother fuckin bagels and bananas. And believe me them bagels are old.
So caitlin gets ready, hop in the car, and shoot out to grandma's. When we get there, guess who we see rockin' the white tank, khakis, and some sexy ass chankletas with some crusty ass toes lookin like mireya's feet. You got it. It was grandpa by the dirty ass lake feeding his friends some bread crumbs......the ducks. We go over to say hello then make our way into the crib. Truth is only one of us really came to say hello to grandma cause I wanted to see wat she was cookin.
Grandma was cooking white.......wait, Jen get ready and grab some napkins. Your friends don't need to see you drooling. White rice, black beans mmmm yummy Tino, groundbeef mixed with potatoes, sweet plantains, and yuca. So as we're waiting for the food grandma starts talking to me about Mireya. She tells me how she called the crib yesterday asking how I was, and if I was dead or alive because I didn't call her when we got here. So I tell grandma Mireya is losing it now that she has new children to take care of. Before you know it the house phone starts ringin. Caitlin and I are in the smokers cage and grandma opens the door and hands me the phone and I take it not even asking her who it is first, but it's too late now cause it's already in my grasp and it's burning my hand and I don't know why. As I pull the phone to my ear, I look at grandma and she has this fake ass serious look on her face which seems like any second now she's about to laugh or that
she's constipated.
So I say hello and all I hear is a gritón. "hola!!!!!! Hijo. Soy yo tu única madre del mundo. Te acuerdas de mi? Yo no creo porque tu no me llamas. Estoy aquí preocupada porque no sabía si estabas muerto. No a podrido dormir. Por que no me llamastes mi hijo lindo? Tu sabes que yo a llorado porque nadie me estraña. Hay!!!!!! Me quiero morir.
So as i waited for the right moment to strike with an excuse. I looked at grandma and she's just hysterical. The only person I trusted in this whole world just jerked me. I feel like she just stuck her finger up my ass like she did with the suppository years ago. So I get to Mireya and tell her "I'm sorry, es que yo estaba muy ocupado" she says "o si??? Y con que??? Porque si yo me acuerdo bien tu estas en tu vacaciones y yo haca haciendo nada.. So obviously I didn't think it through too much due to the shock I got from grandma's prank......that biOtch.
Junior in Tampa--- Day 2 (finally)
Well let's get into the second day I was in FL. Because apparently my sister doesn't understand the simple f a c t that I have been busy.
So it's 10 something a.m. Caitlin is still knocked the fuck out. And I'm laying there fartin up a storm cause of all the beans I ate at grandma's, watchin fuckin sisterhood of the traveling panties. Which I have to say is the most boring film I have ever seen. U thought sandra bullocks ya-ya sisterhood was bad? Oh hell no, this shit has you crying from the beginning because it ain't finishing fast enough. Twice in a row i'm stuck watching this horrible movie because the hotel is too cheap to get timewarner yo, motherfuckers got the "hampton inn" cable box.
So I decide to get my lazy ass outta bed and go check out the grand gym this hotel has. I'm trying to get in shape u know that Alfonso Erazo fit. Especially after I'm gonna have a week of grandma's delicious food. So I put on my gym shit on and head downstairs. Now uve ever been so excited to go somewhere or just to check out something? But the only thing waiting for you was a big fuckin slap of disappointment? That's how I felt. I mean I'm gettin dressed right, I'm hyped, I'm doin the Mireya stretches, I'm out the door and 2ft away from the gym I stop. I take a deep breath, hold that shit in so it can make my pex stick out like I'm fuckin Arnold, and then boom I walk in....remember the slap I was talkin about? Yea well I just got it. I'm lookin at this "gym" and I want to cry. I feel like if I wanted to shed some tears I wouldve just stayed upstairs watchin the traveling bitches or fuckin Maury "HE IS NOT THE FATHER".Jen this gym only had a treadmilland an exercise bike.......where the fuck are my weights? I c ouldn't believe this, so I had to pull a gladisita real quick with an "oh hell no boo boo". I fuckin dashed to the front desk and said goodmorning...candice, let me ask you a question; is this the only "gym" you guys have or do you have other ones on each floor? ........She said only 1.
So I said fuck it. Mayb I can make it work with a little bit of joggin, push ups, and jumping jacks. Mind you this gym is like the size of jen's kitchen. So I decide to run for a few. So I turn it on I start walking. Pick up the speed now I'm power walking. I realize I'm fuckin sweatin already. There's like this little fan blowing hot ass air at ur face it feels like u can't even breathe. So now i'm joggin. I'm sweatin buckets, my shirt is drenched, and something stinks and I'm trying to figure it out. So I hop off the treadmill and start doing pushups. Now the smell is unbearable. It's like when your petting tripper and he has his face on your face breathing his fuckin hot-fire breath all up in your nose and burnin your nose hairs, shit makes you go "damn nigga care for a breafmint yo?" so I finish with my push ups and start doin jumping jacks. This in front of the small ass fan which turned out to be a mistake. So I'm doing my jumping jacks and the smell is back. It's I'm like what the fuck is this shit so like any person would do I smell my pits. Now I ain't gonna lie, they smelled iiight.
I'm goin around the room tryin to figure it out and I can't. So I come across a cleaning lady and she asks me if I would like a towel so I said yess please thank-BOOM she cuts me off....covering her nose and mouth as she walked away saying do not mention it. And then I knew.........
Stay tuned for part 2.
So it's 10 something a.m. Caitlin is still knocked the fuck out. And I'm laying there fartin up a storm cause of all the beans I ate at grandma's, watchin fuckin sisterhood of the traveling panties. Which I have to say is the most boring film I have ever seen. U thought sandra bullocks ya-ya sisterhood was bad? Oh hell no, this shit has you crying from the beginning because it ain't finishing fast enough. Twice in a row i'm stuck watching this horrible movie because the hotel is too cheap to get timewarner yo, motherfuckers got the "hampton inn" cable box.
So I decide to get my lazy ass outta bed and go check out the grand gym this hotel has. I'm trying to get in shape u know that Alfonso Erazo fit. Especially after I'm gonna have a week of grandma's delicious food. So I put on my gym shit on and head downstairs. Now uve ever been so excited to go somewhere or just to check out something? But the only thing waiting for you was a big fuckin slap of disappointment? That's how I felt. I mean I'm gettin dressed right, I'm hyped, I'm doin the Mireya stretches, I'm out the door and 2ft away from the gym I stop. I take a deep breath, hold that shit in so it can make my pex stick out like I'm fuckin Arnold, and then boom I walk in....remember the slap I was talkin about? Yea well I just got it. I'm lookin at this "gym" and I want to cry. I feel like if I wanted to shed some tears I wouldve just stayed upstairs watchin the traveling bitches or fuckin Maury "HE IS NOT THE FATHER".Jen this gym only had a treadmilland an exercise bike.......where the fuck are my weights? I c ouldn't believe this, so I had to pull a gladisita real quick with an "oh hell no boo boo". I fuckin dashed to the front desk and said goodmorning...candice, let me ask you a question; is this the only "gym" you guys have or do you have other ones on each floor? ........She said only 1.
So I said fuck it. Mayb I can make it work with a little bit of joggin, push ups, and jumping jacks. Mind you this gym is like the size of jen's kitchen. So I decide to run for a few. So I turn it on I start walking. Pick up the speed now I'm power walking. I realize I'm fuckin sweatin already. There's like this little fan blowing hot ass air at ur face it feels like u can't even breathe. So now i'm joggin. I'm sweatin buckets, my shirt is drenched, and something stinks and I'm trying to figure it out. So I hop off the treadmill and start doing pushups. Now the smell is unbearable. It's like when your petting tripper and he has his face on your face breathing his fuckin hot-fire breath all up in your nose and burnin your nose hairs, shit makes you go "damn nigga care for a breafmint yo?" so I finish with my push ups and start doin jumping jacks. This in front of the small ass fan which turned out to be a mistake. So I'm doing my jumping jacks and the smell is back. It's I'm like what the fuck is this shit so like any person would do I smell my pits. Now I ain't gonna lie, they smelled iiight.
I'm goin around the room tryin to figure it out and I can't. So I come across a cleaning lady and she asks me if I would like a towel so I said yess please thank-BOOM she cuts me off....covering her nose and mouth as she walked away saying do not mention it. And then I knew.........
Stay tuned for part 2.
Wednesday, June 24, 2009
Cast of Characters- Part II
It wouldn't be fair if I didn't give you the following info:
Luis (Sr.)- my step father, Junior's papa. Straight up off the (Mariel) boat Cuban.
Real shit.
Lazaro- my (step) uncle. Luis's brother.
Caitlin- Junior's girlfriend
Grandma and Grandpa- Luis and Lazaro's parents and my dear dear grandparents. Salt of the earth
Luis (Sr.)- my step father, Junior's papa. Straight up off the (Mariel) boat Cuban.
Real shit.
Lazaro- my (step) uncle. Luis's brother.
Caitlin- Junior's girlfriend
Grandma and Grandpa- Luis and Lazaro's parents and my dear dear grandparents. Salt of the earth
Hell Yeah... Junior is back from vacation....
Florida 1st Day
FYI-- in case you can't figure it out.. "Killa" is my step- father's miserable girlfriend.
So here's the Florida 1st day details...
We got there like 9 20am. I spot my pops with this grin and his nasty ass ponytail trying to get that Steven siegal look again. It ain't happenin. So I look right. Far right. And there's killer, just getting up from her seat. I'm like I knew u were here u bitch. Ugly bitch like that with crispy ass hair wearing a fuckin gigantoid hairpin can't hide from me. Anyway, we go to the car and of course I already know she ain't givin up the front seat.
Anywho, luis is driving and he asks if we're hungry we say fuck yea he says ok do u guys wanna go to burger king?.............honestly, accidently I spoke out loud and said FUCK NO. I didn't hop on a plane watchin it go up 50,000ft, goin through clouds, and landing to go to burger king c'mon. So we went to denny's. It was ok. I just couldn't take killers tantrums. "omg where are our napkins. No utensils still? We've been here for 2 mins what's taking so long." just because there's mexicans cooking ur breakfast doesn't mean they're all speedy gonzales bitch.
We get to grandma's, everybodys excited (everybody meaning grandma and grandpa). Lazaro's crazy ass wasn't there. Supposedly his alarm went off knowing killer was coming and the nigga bounced. So we all know wat comes next. Grandma's food.......fuckin bangin. I must of been droolin since the second I walked in that kitchen of heaven and lifted the lid off the pot till I got to the hotel.
So luis caitlin and myself go to the smokers cage, light up our stogeys and just start bullshittin away....NOT even 1 minute passed Jen and who comes a knockin? Can u guess?.....ding ding ding ur right freddy fuckin krueger. She comes through cause she just has to know wat we're talkin about. I wanted to slip Mireya in the convo I wanted to so bad Jen u don't know. I was laughing so much deep inside just picturing how crispy cream over here was gonna react. But I was nice so I didn't. 5 mins later "luis!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Tenemos que hacer compras vamonos." like wat do u really have to go shopping for at 11 30 in the morning? The only 2 people that get up at the ass crack of dawn to start cooking breakfast lunch and dinner all at the same time r grandma and juan. So they leave, caitlin knocks out on lazaro's bed and I'm there talkin to grandma and grandpa bout the kids n shit. Lazaro comes through jumps in the shower, changes and tells me to go to the
market with him. We hopped in the car of course and went. Nothing is walking distance over there. I must of seen about 7 people walking the whole week. Lazaro was in dying need of his breadsticks. When we get there everytime he passed a woman this is wat he said:
"Co ÑO"
"hay mamacita"
"te quiero"
"I love joo"
"I wanna marry joo"
We get the breadsticks, and start heading back. So I mumble that it's hot and that I'm bout to jump in the pool when I get back but I remembered my luggage was in luis' car. Lazaro says "bueno vamonos para ya para que te enseñe que esa come mierda no hico ningúnas compras. Before u know it BOOM there's his van parked in front of their crib. Unfreakin believable. So luis comes out takes my bag out and tells me that in like 10mins he was gonna head back to grandma's...yea riiiiiiight. I say bye see u later, as I look up at their balcony there's fuckin hellraiser makin sure luis ain't goin nowhere.
Went back jumped in the pool, caitlin got burnt ha ha, back to grandma's ate one more time, shot out to the hotel and knocked the fuck out....
6 more days of funny ass shit coming your way. Believe it.
FYI-- in case you can't figure it out.. "Killa" is my step- father's miserable girlfriend.
So here's the Florida 1st day details...
We got there like 9 20am. I spot my pops with this grin and his nasty ass ponytail trying to get that Steven siegal look again. It ain't happenin. So I look right. Far right. And there's killer, just getting up from her seat. I'm like I knew u were here u bitch. Ugly bitch like that with crispy ass hair wearing a fuckin gigantoid hairpin can't hide from me. Anyway, we go to the car and of course I already know she ain't givin up the front seat.
Anywho, luis is driving and he asks if we're hungry we say fuck yea he says ok do u guys wanna go to burger king?.............honestly, accidently I spoke out loud and said FUCK NO. I didn't hop on a plane watchin it go up 50,000ft, goin through clouds, and landing to go to burger king c'mon. So we went to denny's. It was ok. I just couldn't take killers tantrums. "omg where are our napkins. No utensils still? We've been here for 2 mins what's taking so long." just because there's mexicans cooking ur breakfast doesn't mean they're all speedy gonzales bitch.
We get to grandma's, everybodys excited (everybody meaning grandma and grandpa). Lazaro's crazy ass wasn't there. Supposedly his alarm went off knowing killer was coming and the nigga bounced. So we all know wat comes next. Grandma's food.......fuckin bangin. I must of been droolin since the second I walked in that kitchen of heaven and lifted the lid off the pot till I got to the hotel.
So luis caitlin and myself go to the smokers cage, light up our stogeys and just start bullshittin away....NOT even 1 minute passed Jen and who comes a knockin? Can u guess?.....ding ding ding ur right freddy fuckin krueger. She comes through cause she just has to know wat we're talkin about. I wanted to slip Mireya in the convo I wanted to so bad Jen u don't know. I was laughing so much deep inside just picturing how crispy cream over here was gonna react. But I was nice so I didn't. 5 mins later "luis!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Tenemos que hacer compras vamonos." like wat do u really have to go shopping for at 11 30 in the morning? The only 2 people that get up at the ass crack of dawn to start cooking breakfast lunch and dinner all at the same time r grandma and juan. So they leave, caitlin knocks out on lazaro's bed and I'm there talkin to grandma and grandpa bout the kids n shit. Lazaro comes through jumps in the shower, changes and tells me to go to the
market with him. We hopped in the car of course and went. Nothing is walking distance over there. I must of seen about 7 people walking the whole week. Lazaro was in dying need of his breadsticks. When we get there everytime he passed a woman this is wat he said:
"Co ÑO"
"hay mamacita"
"te quiero"
"I love joo"
"I wanna marry joo"
We get the breadsticks, and start heading back. So I mumble that it's hot and that I'm bout to jump in the pool when I get back but I remembered my luggage was in luis' car. Lazaro says "bueno vamonos para ya para que te enseñe que esa come mierda no hico ningúnas compras. Before u know it BOOM there's his van parked in front of their crib. Unfreakin believable. So luis comes out takes my bag out and tells me that in like 10mins he was gonna head back to grandma's...yea riiiiiiight. I say bye see u later, as I look up at their balcony there's fuckin hellraiser makin sure luis ain't goin nowhere.
Went back jumped in the pool, caitlin got burnt ha ha, back to grandma's ate one more time, shot out to the hotel and knocked the fuck out....
6 more days of funny ass shit coming your way. Believe it.
Monday, June 22, 2009
A Little More Background
I also think I should mention my brother Alfonso and I have not seen or spoken with our biological father in at least 15 years.
Prior to that, we may have seen him only about 5 times since I was about 5 years old(Not including the time I was kidnapped and held in Ecuador for ranson when I was 9, but that is for another day)
If you haven't figured out by now, my mother had no problem welcoming in to her home the adult children of the ex- husband who abandoned his -oh, yeah and HER- children.
Here is some more background, which should recap the last year or so:
short version..
Junior, my mom and his girlfriend were living together
Junior and his (psycho ass) girlfriend broke up
Everyone moved out. Junior back with me. mom went to stay with alfonso.
Mom wanted to find a new place with junior, junior didn’t want, but wasn’t up front with her.
Junior moved in with new girlfriend.
Mom still wanted to live with junior
Mom was driving alfonso and my sister in law crazy.
Mom tried to move in to apartment in my building. I said no. spoke to my landlord and put an end to that.
Mom and I didn’t speak for 3 months.
Mom found a place which junior said he would help her pay for (stupid)
Mom couldn’t afford place, thought junior was eventually going to move in (again he wasn’t up front with her).
Sister Karen and brother paul had moved to ny. Were living with friends.
My mom and new siblings were very friendly.
Mom eventually suggested they move in with her.
Y aqui estamos!
Prior to that, we may have seen him only about 5 times since I was about 5 years old(Not including the time I was kidnapped and held in Ecuador for ranson when I was 9, but that is for another day)
If you haven't figured out by now, my mother had no problem welcoming in to her home the adult children of the ex- husband who abandoned his -oh, yeah and HER- children.
Here is some more background, which should recap the last year or so:
short version..
Junior, my mom and his girlfriend were living together
Junior and his (psycho ass) girlfriend broke up
Everyone moved out. Junior back with me. mom went to stay with alfonso.
Mom wanted to find a new place with junior, junior didn’t want, but wasn’t up front with her.
Junior moved in with new girlfriend.
Mom still wanted to live with junior
Mom was driving alfonso and my sister in law crazy.
Mom tried to move in to apartment in my building. I said no. spoke to my landlord and put an end to that.
Mom and I didn’t speak for 3 months.
Mom found a place which junior said he would help her pay for (stupid)
Mom couldn’t afford place, thought junior was eventually going to move in (again he wasn’t up front with her).
Sister Karen and brother paul had moved to ny. Were living with friends.
My mom and new siblings were very friendly.
Mom eventually suggested they move in with her.
Y aqui estamos!
Family Tree- Cast of Characters
Think this may be helpful
Here is the breakdown:
Mireya- AKA Mom, Ma, or Mami (if it's Junior), or my personal favorite "Your Mother".
Alfonso, age 36 (aka Fonz, Tino, Chino)- we have the same mother and father. He is the oldest. And my favorite. He is married with 3 kids
Jhen (me), age 32 (in july)
Junior, age 22 (aka Luis)- he is the son of my mom and my stepfather (so my half brother) He is the youngest brother (and was the youngest sibling until I met my sister)
Kenny, age 24- he is my stepfather’s son who lived with us every other weekend when we were growing up. My stepfather had hooked up with my mom when he found out his ex- girlfriend was pregnant. He is the one who had.. some… legal issues…
Paul, age 24 (will be 25 next month)- he is my biological father’s son who I met last year, so my half brother. He now lives with my mom and his sister (my sister Karen)
Karen, age 20- she is my biological father’s daughter and now the youngest sibling. My half sister. Who I met about 2 and 1/2 years ago.
Here is the breakdown:
Mireya- AKA Mom, Ma, or Mami (if it's Junior), or my personal favorite "Your Mother".
Alfonso, age 36 (aka Fonz, Tino, Chino)- we have the same mother and father. He is the oldest. And my favorite. He is married with 3 kids
Jhen (me), age 32 (in july)
Junior, age 22 (aka Luis)- he is the son of my mom and my stepfather (so my half brother) He is the youngest brother (and was the youngest sibling until I met my sister)
Kenny, age 24- he is my stepfather’s son who lived with us every other weekend when we were growing up. My stepfather had hooked up with my mom when he found out his ex- girlfriend was pregnant. He is the one who had.. some… legal issues…
Paul, age 24 (will be 25 next month)- he is my biological father’s son who I met last year, so my half brother. He now lives with my mom and his sister (my sister Karen)
Karen, age 20- she is my biological father’s daughter and now the youngest sibling. My half sister. Who I met about 2 and 1/2 years ago.
Thursday, June 11, 2009
Call Waiting Really Does Bring Out The Worst In Us
JR: U know it's funny I asked u to hold on cuz I had another call. I'm rushing to get off to talk to ur ass and all I hear is errrrrrrrrrr please hang up the receiver seems to be off the hook. No it's not off the hook, my sister just hung up on my ass that's wats off the hook.
JE: Ha! Sorry, brother. I have very low patience for being on hold while at the office (especially if it is a personal call). I am better than Fonz. He won't wait more than 3.2 seconds.
***my bad!
JE: Ha! Sorry, brother. I have very low patience for being on hold while at the office (especially if it is a personal call). I am better than Fonz. He won't wait more than 3.2 seconds.
***my bad!
Gimme Ma Meat Bitches
JR: Yo wat is up with all this rain???I hate this shit. I'm coming to work in jeans and a sweater.....in June?
Wat the hell.
It's global warming biOtches!!!!!
Anyway, after work I met up with Paul ,went to the gym, then went to ma's. But ofcourse minutes later we were blessed by Mireya's presence. "haloooo soy yoya!!" she spots me and gets overly excited like I went away for months. "hayyy mi hijito esta aqui hahaaaa...dame un beso"
Now Jen, this grosses me out.....cuz when ma hugs me it doesn't feel like she's really "hugging" me, u know? I feel like i'm being molested. Caressing me wit her nasty ass hands n shit....kissing me gently, like get off me I ain't spicy like juan.
So we go in the kitchen to smoke a stoge, and she offers me some soup with some meat, potatoes, and yuca. Now ofcourse I tell her a little and she gives me a shit load because she's on a diet. Una dieta. So she's giving me broth potatoes and yuca but no meat. Where the hells the meat. She's lookin she's lookin n nothing. Now she's mad "que hijueputas, no me dieron mi carne. Ahora tengo que reclamar" I ask her where did u buy it? Is it far? No mijito aqui en cositas ricas. I'm like wat the hell it's up the block go get your meat...."no ya no para que estoy cansada,comatelo haci y ya" I'm like damn don't b mad at me.
So Paul n Karen walk in to eat as well they made their rice with an egg "comida de los pobres" as they call it. So ma loses her appetite goes by the window lights a stogey and tells Karen comate la sopa porque ya no quiero. Then you see paul's fat ass hands grab that shit like it's fuckin mondongo and justs starts pourin a bowl. He's pourin slowly so he won't spill using a spoon as well, then before u know it,fuckin biggity bam a whole chunk of fuckin meat lands, splashin shit on the table
And Paul like the starvin overwieght fucker that he is, dogs it in one bite leaving the rest of us...with no meat.
Wat the hell.
It's global warming biOtches!!!!!
Anyway, after work I met up with Paul ,went to the gym, then went to ma's. But ofcourse minutes later we were blessed by Mireya's presence. "haloooo soy yoya!!" she spots me and gets overly excited like I went away for months. "hayyy mi hijito esta aqui hahaaaa...dame un beso"
Now Jen, this grosses me out.....cuz when ma hugs me it doesn't feel like she's really "hugging" me, u know? I feel like i'm being molested. Caressing me wit her nasty ass hands n shit....kissing me gently, like get off me I ain't spicy like juan.
So we go in the kitchen to smoke a stoge, and she offers me some soup with some meat, potatoes, and yuca. Now ofcourse I tell her a little and she gives me a shit load because she's on a diet. Una dieta. So she's giving me broth potatoes and yuca but no meat. Where the hells the meat. She's lookin she's lookin n nothing. Now she's mad "que hijueputas, no me dieron mi carne. Ahora tengo que reclamar" I ask her where did u buy it? Is it far? No mijito aqui en cositas ricas. I'm like wat the hell it's up the block go get your meat...."no ya no para que estoy cansada,comatelo haci y ya" I'm like damn don't b mad at me.
So Paul n Karen walk in to eat as well they made their rice with an egg "comida de los pobres" as they call it. So ma loses her appetite goes by the window lights a stogey and tells Karen comate la sopa porque ya no quiero. Then you see paul's fat ass hands grab that shit like it's fuckin mondongo and justs starts pourin a bowl. He's pourin slowly so he won't spill using a spoon as well, then before u know it,fuckin biggity bam a whole chunk of fuckin meat lands, splashin shit on the table
And Paul like the starvin overwieght fucker that he is, dogs it in one bite leaving the rest of us...with no meat.
Thursday, June 4, 2009
Saturday, May 30, 2009
Clearly I have nothing better to do at work. And clearly Jr hasn't emailed me all week. Because clearly I am not as funny
JE :Why would red velvet cupcakes not have cream cheese icing??
What is magnolia bakery thinking??!!
DP: Seriously? Jeez.
JE: Blows
DP: You didn’t really want it anyway
JE: I don’t.. but we are having a little birthday party tomorrow.. and I know the woman whose birthday we are celebrating likes red velvet.. when I went on the magnolia website.. it reads “whipped vanilla icing”. Of course I called them, because clearly that was a mistake.
It wasn’t. I would need to pre-order, 2 days in advance if I want to “special order” with cc icing.
DP: "clearly that was a mistake". classic.
JE: You know how I do it.
What is magnolia bakery thinking??!!
DP: Seriously? Jeez.
JE: Blows
DP: You didn’t really want it anyway
JE: I don’t.. but we are having a little birthday party tomorrow.. and I know the woman whose birthday we are celebrating likes red velvet.. when I went on the magnolia website.. it reads “whipped vanilla icing”. Of course I called them, because clearly that was a mistake.
It wasn’t. I would need to pre-order, 2 days in advance if I want to “special order” with cc icing.
DP: "clearly that was a mistake". classic.
JE: You know how I do it.
Friday, May 29, 2009
Wednesday, May 27, 2009
Mom's a diesel beyotch when it comes to her baby
Jr: So I forgot to mention, I saw ma last night. Well let's just say I was tricked. Karen...ur sister, calls me and tells come hang cuz I cooked. So I'm like ok. I just hung out cuz I ate chino cochinos already. So as I walk in there's mireya staring dead at me. And ofcourse I wasn't prepared so instead of jumping for joy like she probably expected, I said "oye y que tu haces aquí chica"?. So as we all know ma says ""como que, que hago aquí. Este mi casa carajo. No tengo derecho estar aquí ah? Nadie me quiere." so i say "ah no con~o si vas a comenzar con esa mielda yo me voy". So ma laughs and says "dame un beso mi chichito lindo"..................so I give her a kiss. Anyway, ma goes to the room with Karen and I follow bout 2 mins later. As I stand by mireya listening to their conversation she turns over to me gently grabs my hands and says "habrasame" and i say (while I'm trying to get rid of her monstrous grip on my hands)" no get outta here". She grabsmy hands tighter and pulls me closer and says "habrasame chucha que yo soy tu madre que te parió".......................so i hug her. What I want to know is where the fuck does she get her freakish strength from.
Jhen: She has strength????? Since when?
Jr: Jenny please no te hagas. Wat did u think?
Jhen: How would she have freakish strength??? Seriously.
So she was home? Why? So she tricked you in to going to see her? Because she missed you so much?? She is so bizarre
Jr: No Jen. She didn't trick me. Ur sister did. She failed to mention to me that mireya was there.
Jhen: I think she did because mireya asked her to…..
Jr: Well it shows I can't trust her. Buck it. Anyway did you figure out what to do Saturday?
Jhen: You are just now realizing you cant trust her!??!!!
Have you been living under a rock??!
Jr: Oh I'm sorry when the hell did you know she's not to be trusted? And apparently I am living under a rock but that's because you put me there.
Jhen: And if I put you under a rock it was to protect you from harm. Because… I love you.
Needless to say, there wasn't a response to my last post.
Jhen: She has strength????? Since when?
Jr: Jenny please no te hagas. Wat did u think?
Jhen: How would she have freakish strength??? Seriously.
So she was home? Why? So she tricked you in to going to see her? Because she missed you so much?? She is so bizarre
Jr: No Jen. She didn't trick me. Ur sister did. She failed to mention to me that mireya was there.
Jhen: I think she did because mireya asked her to…..
Jr: Well it shows I can't trust her. Buck it. Anyway did you figure out what to do Saturday?
Jhen: You are just now realizing you cant trust her!??!!!
Have you been living under a rock??!
Jr: Oh I'm sorry when the hell did you know she's not to be trusted? And apparently I am living under a rock but that's because you put me there.
Jhen: And if I put you under a rock it was to protect you from harm. Because… I love you.
Needless to say, there wasn't a response to my last post.
Monday, May 25, 2009
Thank Goodness My Dog is Alive
Hey jhen. What's crackalackin? How's Paris? Trippy is fine he isn't dead. He still has all his teeth. I miss your ass when the fuck you coming back. I dont have anyone to have breakfast with. I know your gonna say what about paul and Karen.....buck em ight LOL. Anyway I'm at work and fuckin bored. All this cleaning, I hate it.
Getting his grind on... with mama dukes
So after u left Sunday as you know I hung around till tino el chino showed up. We were all in the livingroom/bedroom including Alicia. Anywho, as I started to blast the reggaeton ma insisted she show off her mad dancing skills. So she starts doing wat she does best...the spinning waist and jump technique lmao. So ma starts telling everyone that I know how to dance reggaeton. So Alicia that fuckin bruta shouts show us dance with your mother. So you know ma gets hyped. So......lucky me I was standing smokin my stogey and she pulls me. So I keep tellin her stop it, get off me. But she wouldn't Jen. Do you know what it's like to have your own mother grind on your leg. NO, you do not. It's disgusting. Then after she stopped poisoning my leg she shouts Karen montate ponga junior en el medio. Now ma had me from the ass. I was hoping you would hear my call. I kept saying jenny please come back for me. Save me. But you didn't. I was left to die with mama's choche on my freakin thigh.
What is the opposite of the prodigal son?
Below exchange began after a brief conversation as to what we should do for Mother's Day
JR:Fuckin fonz that slick S.O.B, I forgot he wasn't going to be here.Anyway I have given it some thought and......I got nothin lol. It's noteasy. I was thinkin about taking her out but to where...ma iscomplicated. Plus she ain't the only one tu hermanita tambien.
Jhen: Right. Oops. Forgot about Karen..Ok, then we have to do something for both of them.And Paul is a broke- a$$ without a job so you, me, and Juan (if he isallowed to join us) are footing the bill.What should we do? It is going to be nice... maybe we can go somewherewith an outdoor?Or... we can ASK her. Trust me, she has already thought about where andwhat she wants to do..Do you want to be in charge or do you want me to call her now?
JR: Werd up about Paul that broke ass nigga. Of course juan can join us. Con~o chica pero what's wrong wit joo. Ma will b lost witout his spicy jalapeño ass that's one..and 2 you and I r not gonna be the only ones grabbin the bill. Chris will b there and caitlin I think is coming as well. Paul will take care of the tip with whatever change he can find. I guess I can call ma take down some info and feed it to you. I swear everything feels like a mission with this lady.
Jhen: It is. Find out. Call her.
JR: So I spoke to ma but I wasn't able to get any info cause my boss was in the office he told me to get off the phone. He's a fuckin Mandingo. I hate this fuckin platano. Anyway, so when I called ma. I said hola mireya, and this bitch goes bananas on me saying "que eso de mireya? Yo soy una mujer que tu conozes en la calle? Yo no soy tu fOcking mOther?" I'm like yo pero que te pasa chica porque tienes que gritar en el telefono. She's like "pero que eso de mireya, como me tienes que decir" I'm like dam wat is really good. So I tell Her hola ma como estas. She goes "ma nada me tienes que decir mami.." ok como estas mami (basically I just got bitched by my own mother). So she's all giddy now "hola mi chichi mi hijo lindo" she starts talkin about how her and Paul have been caplin me all day yesterday which by the way is bullshit cause I was up since 11 and got no call except from you and fonz. So I tell her wat time did you call cuz I didn't get anything? And she's like "no mentira yo no te llame pero Paul me dijo que el te tuvo llamando" and people wonder why I lie so much. Take notes cuz the one behind it all is the one and only mireya a.k.a the teacher.
AWESOME
JR:Fuckin fonz that slick S.O.B, I forgot he wasn't going to be here.Anyway I have given it some thought and......I got nothin lol. It's noteasy. I was thinkin about taking her out but to where...ma iscomplicated. Plus she ain't the only one tu hermanita tambien.
Jhen: Right. Oops. Forgot about Karen..Ok, then we have to do something for both of them.And Paul is a broke- a$$ without a job so you, me, and Juan (if he isallowed to join us) are footing the bill.What should we do? It is going to be nice... maybe we can go somewherewith an outdoor?Or... we can ASK her. Trust me, she has already thought about where andwhat she wants to do..Do you want to be in charge or do you want me to call her now?
JR: Werd up about Paul that broke ass nigga. Of course juan can join us. Con~o chica pero what's wrong wit joo. Ma will b lost witout his spicy jalapeño ass that's one..and 2 you and I r not gonna be the only ones grabbin the bill. Chris will b there and caitlin I think is coming as well. Paul will take care of the tip with whatever change he can find. I guess I can call ma take down some info and feed it to you. I swear everything feels like a mission with this lady.
Jhen: It is. Find out. Call her.
JR: So I spoke to ma but I wasn't able to get any info cause my boss was in the office he told me to get off the phone. He's a fuckin Mandingo. I hate this fuckin platano. Anyway, so when I called ma. I said hola mireya, and this bitch goes bananas on me saying "que eso de mireya? Yo soy una mujer que tu conozes en la calle? Yo no soy tu fOcking mOther?" I'm like yo pero que te pasa chica porque tienes que gritar en el telefono. She's like "pero que eso de mireya, como me tienes que decir" I'm like dam wat is really good. So I tell Her hola ma como estas. She goes "ma nada me tienes que decir mami.." ok como estas mami (basically I just got bitched by my own mother). So she's all giddy now "hola mi chichi mi hijo lindo" she starts talkin about how her and Paul have been caplin me all day yesterday which by the way is bullshit cause I was up since 11 and got no call except from you and fonz. So I tell her wat time did you call cuz I didn't get anything? And she's like "no mentira yo no te llame pero Paul me dijo que el te tuvo llamando" and people wonder why I lie so much. Take notes cuz the one behind it all is the one and only mireya a.k.a the teacher.
AWESOME
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