Junior on hiatus... part 2

The following is actually a guest blog by my dear friend, Jessica, who is equally, if not funnier (yes, I said it), than Junior.

This is a compilation of emails that were sent during her call in for jury duty this past May. By the way, she doesn’t know she is guest blogging.

Glad I keep all important emails in reserve for just this type of situation…

I'm sitting in effing jury duty and man, are there some crazy cats here. I got called for a panel at 10 yesterday and was in voie dire until 4:00!! There were only 6 of us in the room being questioned by 8 lawyers. Some of the other people on the panel consisted of Slow Talker, the 25-year-old doofus who could barely put a sentence together, Really Old Eccentric Guy, who was 104 and answered every question with a soliloquy and Plastic Surgery Woman, who, when asked how she looked so good for her age by another juror, gave some bullsh!t answer about healthy living but never once mentioned her surgeon.

Today we have Screechy Skinny Boy with Purse, Terribly Hip Guy With Plaid Shirt and Leather Tie and 142-year-old Woman With Three Teeth. Screechy is stomping his cute little wellie-covered feet in protest against being here while trying not to bump into walls because he's too fabulous to take his sunglasses off inside. Hip is lounging around playing with his iPhone and being unshowered. Old Women is toothlessly telling me about her 9 "babies", some of whom have babies themselves. From what I've been able to understand one of the babies has a baby "in her belly." This place needs its own reality show.

Seriously - if you could see and hear the freaks in this joint. I think the best way to keep people from committing crimes would be to let them see the retards who could potentially make up the "jury of their peers". I'm not even going to freaking jaywalk any more! The panel I was on yesterday revealed some real rocket scientists. Slow Talker was asked (in regard to the case we were being presented, where a man was seriously and permanently injured in an auto accident) if he had ever sustained a traumatic injury. Ten minutes later (because that's how long it took homeboy's synapses to fire), he answers "well, I, like, broke my pinky once playing football . . ." I almost fell of my chair with laughter. On our questionnaire they asked about our job history and specifically if we had ever worked in the medical field. Old Eccentric Guy apparently just lied altogether because when asked about his career in the medical field they finally got him to admit that he just had aspirations of being a nurse when he was growing up during the Civil War or whatever. Screechy won't sit in the chair I just offered him because it looks dirty to him. I think he's practicing his walk for Fashion Week out in the hallway right now. That or he's just trying to break in his rain boots that he bought in the Junior's department at Macy's. I just overheard a conversation between two of Our People who are going to try to pretend they don't speak English to get out of jury duty. My favorite moment from yesterday was when Slow Talker said to an African man in traditional dress: "Hey, man. I like your outfit."



You can't make this shit up.