Mireya told me today I should get a nose job.... para que me vea mas bonita.
Damn it, Junior. Write something already.
Sunday, July 26, 2009
Thursday, July 23, 2009
Junior on hiatus... part 2
The following is actually a guest blog by my dear friend, Jessica, who is equally, if not funnier (yes, I said it), than Junior.
This is a compilation of emails that were sent during her call in for jury duty this past May. By the way, she doesn’t know she is guest blogging.
Glad I keep all important emails in reserve for just this type of situation…
I'm sitting in effing jury duty and man, are there some crazy cats here. I got called for a panel at 10 yesterday and was in voie dire until 4:00!! There were only 6 of us in the room being questioned by 8 lawyers. Some of the other people on the panel consisted of Slow Talker, the 25-year-old doofus who could barely put a sentence together, Really Old Eccentric Guy, who was 104 and answered every question with a soliloquy and Plastic Surgery Woman, who, when asked how she looked so good for her age by another juror, gave some bullsh!t answer about healthy living but never once mentioned her surgeon.
Today we have Screechy Skinny Boy with Purse, Terribly Hip Guy With Plaid Shirt and Leather Tie and 142-year-old Woman With Three Teeth. Screechy is stomping his cute little wellie-covered feet in protest against being here while trying not to bump into walls because he's too fabulous to take his sunglasses off inside. Hip is lounging around playing with his iPhone and being unshowered. Old Women is toothlessly telling me about her 9 "babies", some of whom have babies themselves. From what I've been able to understand one of the babies has a baby "in her belly." This place needs its own reality show.
Seriously - if you could see and hear the freaks in this joint. I think the best way to keep people from committing crimes would be to let them see the retards who could potentially make up the "jury of their peers". I'm not even going to freaking jaywalk any more! The panel I was on yesterday revealed some real rocket scientists. Slow Talker was asked (in regard to the case we were being presented, where a man was seriously and permanently injured in an auto accident) if he had ever sustained a traumatic injury. Ten minutes later (because that's how long it took homeboy's synapses to fire), he answers "well, I, like, broke my pinky once playing football . . ." I almost fell of my chair with laughter. On our questionnaire they asked about our job history and specifically if we had ever worked in the medical field. Old Eccentric Guy apparently just lied altogether because when asked about his career in the medical field they finally got him to admit that he just had aspirations of being a nurse when he was growing up during the Civil War or whatever. Screechy won't sit in the chair I just offered him because it looks dirty to him. I think he's practicing his walk for Fashion Week out in the hallway right now. That or he's just trying to break in his rain boots that he bought in the Junior's department at Macy's. I just overheard a conversation between two of Our People who are going to try to pretend they don't speak English to get out of jury duty. My favorite moment from yesterday was when Slow Talker said to an African man in traditional dress: "Hey, man. I like your outfit."
You can't make this shit up.
This is a compilation of emails that were sent during her call in for jury duty this past May. By the way, she doesn’t know she is guest blogging.
Glad I keep all important emails in reserve for just this type of situation…
I'm sitting in effing jury duty and man, are there some crazy cats here. I got called for a panel at 10 yesterday and was in voie dire until 4:00!! There were only 6 of us in the room being questioned by 8 lawyers. Some of the other people on the panel consisted of Slow Talker, the 25-year-old doofus who could barely put a sentence together, Really Old Eccentric Guy, who was 104 and answered every question with a soliloquy and Plastic Surgery Woman, who, when asked how she looked so good for her age by another juror, gave some bullsh!t answer about healthy living but never once mentioned her surgeon.
Today we have Screechy Skinny Boy with Purse, Terribly Hip Guy With Plaid Shirt and Leather Tie and 142-year-old Woman With Three Teeth. Screechy is stomping his cute little wellie-covered feet in protest against being here while trying not to bump into walls because he's too fabulous to take his sunglasses off inside. Hip is lounging around playing with his iPhone and being unshowered. Old Women is toothlessly telling me about her 9 "babies", some of whom have babies themselves. From what I've been able to understand one of the babies has a baby "in her belly." This place needs its own reality show.
Seriously - if you could see and hear the freaks in this joint. I think the best way to keep people from committing crimes would be to let them see the retards who could potentially make up the "jury of their peers". I'm not even going to freaking jaywalk any more! The panel I was on yesterday revealed some real rocket scientists. Slow Talker was asked (in regard to the case we were being presented, where a man was seriously and permanently injured in an auto accident) if he had ever sustained a traumatic injury. Ten minutes later (because that's how long it took homeboy's synapses to fire), he answers "well, I, like, broke my pinky once playing football . . ." I almost fell of my chair with laughter. On our questionnaire they asked about our job history and specifically if we had ever worked in the medical field. Old Eccentric Guy apparently just lied altogether because when asked about his career in the medical field they finally got him to admit that he just had aspirations of being a nurse when he was growing up during the Civil War or whatever. Screechy won't sit in the chair I just offered him because it looks dirty to him. I think he's practicing his walk for Fashion Week out in the hallway right now. That or he's just trying to break in his rain boots that he bought in the Junior's department at Macy's. I just overheard a conversation between two of Our People who are going to try to pretend they don't speak English to get out of jury duty. My favorite moment from yesterday was when Slow Talker said to an African man in traditional dress: "Hey, man. I like your outfit."
You can't make this shit up.
Monday, July 20, 2009
My Turn
Junior is on some kind of sabbatical- something about "writer's block" (read: lazy ass)- which means I have to fill. Sorry everyone.
Last night we all had the pleasure of going to my mom's for a (only slightly) belated birthday situation.
Two weeks late, to be exact. By all accounts, in terms of Latin People Time, she was probably early.
My mom likes to punish us for having the audacity to go on vacation on our birthdays(or any major holiday) and not spending it with her. (read: enjoying ourselves without her).
Even though I was home the following weekend, at which time I thought we would gather and celebrate together as a family, she decided it was more important to spend the day at the beach.
Anyway, not that I am ungrateful.
I love having a birthday cake which has my name spelled incorrectly.
Saturday, July 11, 2009
(back to florida recap) Day 3 part 2-disney
We're finally here. It was bad enough I had to sit in the car wanting to kill myself. So we park the car, and I get out, now I can't even stand up straight cause my ass is completely numb. The weather was scorching. It must of been at most 95-98 degrees. Caitlin and I put on this crazy amount of neutrogena sunblock before we headed to the bus stop that takes us to the monorail then to the park.
As we're waiting for the bus I look and I can't even imagine the amount of people that are here. This shit reminds of home. Between 69th and 74th street on Roosevelt, you know where juan's brothers, cousins, and friends all chill with their cups of coffee and deli style sandwiches waiting for the beaner van to roll up then start goin crazy trying to get in like there's a million dollars hidden inside the van to take just a few, not all of em, a few back to their destination. While the other ones angrily scream COÑO MENG, ORALE WAY YO ESTABA AQUI DESDE AYER WAY, NO ME HAGA ESO POR FAVOR, YO PINTO MEJOR QUEL OTRO.
The bus finally comes and everybody goes bananas to climb on this thing like there isn't another one coming like seriously cmon now niggas calm down. When we get to the park first thing I wanted to do was strip. There was not one fucking shade in sight. My pits were soaked and fuckin kickin' but not so bad where you can smell em without lifting up your arms. I bet a lot of you know wat I'm talking about. My shirt is drenched and sticken to my back. My ass is mad sweaty and I have this massive wedgy all up in my crack and I can't even pick it cause of all these people. And I know they don't know I have one cause sometimes depending what you have on you can tell. It's like you see someone with this nasty ass wedgy in front of you and in your head your like wow you really need to pick that shit pronto...cmon now motivate, MOTIVATE. So I'm scouting to see who's looking in my direction when I see that no one is and so I go in for the pick. But think about it, there's always that one person that catches you. Now like I told you I had a massive fuckin wedgy so it's not like its one easy pick and your good to go, no, I really had to dig into this bitch and like yank it out. So I did and what a relief. As I look around to see if anyone caught me taking the fuckin leach that was eating my culito, I spotted this guy that was looking at me with disgust. You know when someone is staring at you then when you look at em they just suddenly look in another direction, well that's wat this guy did. Like c’mon bro I just caught you lookin where you goin where you goin. And it's not like we were somewhere else where I didn't have to worry about seeing him again, no we were in fuckin Disney. I saw this guy everywhere I went. It came to a point where I was given this guy a waddup every time I saw him.
So now caitlin decides to start it off with a water ride cool us down cause she was also sweatin buckets. Her back was sweaty, her forehead glistening in the sun, and her little mustache that was empapado de sudor. Well it was a good idea about starting off with a water ride but this line was maaad fuckin long. I think we waited for about an hour. Every time we moved up it was like a foot every 5 minutes. So we get on the ride. It's turning here, turning there, now we're goin up the ramp to make a drop and people are screaming. I'm like wat the hell are you screaming for, shit ain't even doin nothing yet. So this one lady towards the back screams OMG!!! I'M GONNA DIE!!! As we're dropping, in my head I'm like OMG!!! I HOPE THE BAR THATS NOT EVEN REALLY SECURE BREAKS AND YOU FALL IN THE WATER!!!! It's like Mireya screaming in one of those rides HAY!!!! HAHA!!!!! ME VOY A MORIR!!!!!!! HAYYY JUNIOR AGARRAME LA MANO!!!
so caitlin and i are nice and cool. we decide to smoke a stogey but the only problem is we cant just smoke any where we want. we had to look for the smokers area. so we look in the map and theres these blue squares scattered around the whole park. so when we find one we get in the blue line and now we're in the box, the "smokers area", fuckin disney has to isolate us like we're carrying a disease. we're smoking away and as im finishing my soda walking towards the garbage there’s this little boy that’s in front it picking his nose. now this little fucker is like all up in his shit. like he's trying to pick his brains. so i didnt want to get near him incase he tried to sneak it on me so i let him finish but what i didnt think was that he was gonna put it on the garbage pale. these arent the ones that are wide open from the top. you have to slide the door in and and dump your shit. so this little son of bitch with the fuckin booger had to put it on the door. and this was a loooong sucker im talkin like there was no way around it for me to dump the bottle. so im fuckin staring at this nasty ass green booger that slimed his way in my direction and i said fuck it i aint touchin that. the next garbage pale was like another mile away i might as well just wait hopefully the little shit doesn't end up over there pickin the other side of his nose.
As we're waiting for the bus I look and I can't even imagine the amount of people that are here. This shit reminds of home. Between 69th and 74th street on Roosevelt, you know where juan's brothers, cousins, and friends all chill with their cups of coffee and deli style sandwiches waiting for the beaner van to roll up then start goin crazy trying to get in like there's a million dollars hidden inside the van to take just a few, not all of em, a few back to their destination. While the other ones angrily scream COÑO MENG, ORALE WAY YO ESTABA AQUI DESDE AYER WAY, NO ME HAGA ESO POR FAVOR, YO PINTO MEJOR QUEL OTRO.
The bus finally comes and everybody goes bananas to climb on this thing like there isn't another one coming like seriously cmon now niggas calm down. When we get to the park first thing I wanted to do was strip. There was not one fucking shade in sight. My pits were soaked and fuckin kickin' but not so bad where you can smell em without lifting up your arms. I bet a lot of you know wat I'm talking about. My shirt is drenched and sticken to my back. My ass is mad sweaty and I have this massive wedgy all up in my crack and I can't even pick it cause of all these people. And I know they don't know I have one cause sometimes depending what you have on you can tell. It's like you see someone with this nasty ass wedgy in front of you and in your head your like wow you really need to pick that shit pronto...cmon now motivate, MOTIVATE. So I'm scouting to see who's looking in my direction when I see that no one is and so I go in for the pick. But think about it, there's always that one person that catches you. Now like I told you I had a massive fuckin wedgy so it's not like its one easy pick and your good to go, no, I really had to dig into this bitch and like yank it out. So I did and what a relief. As I look around to see if anyone caught me taking the fuckin leach that was eating my culito, I spotted this guy that was looking at me with disgust. You know when someone is staring at you then when you look at em they just suddenly look in another direction, well that's wat this guy did. Like c’mon bro I just caught you lookin where you goin where you goin. And it's not like we were somewhere else where I didn't have to worry about seeing him again, no we were in fuckin Disney. I saw this guy everywhere I went. It came to a point where I was given this guy a waddup every time I saw him.
So now caitlin decides to start it off with a water ride cool us down cause she was also sweatin buckets. Her back was sweaty, her forehead glistening in the sun, and her little mustache that was empapado de sudor. Well it was a good idea about starting off with a water ride but this line was maaad fuckin long. I think we waited for about an hour. Every time we moved up it was like a foot every 5 minutes. So we get on the ride. It's turning here, turning there, now we're goin up the ramp to make a drop and people are screaming. I'm like wat the hell are you screaming for, shit ain't even doin nothing yet. So this one lady towards the back screams OMG!!! I'M GONNA DIE!!! As we're dropping, in my head I'm like OMG!!! I HOPE THE BAR THATS NOT EVEN REALLY SECURE BREAKS AND YOU FALL IN THE WATER!!!! It's like Mireya screaming in one of those rides HAY!!!! HAHA!!!!! ME VOY A MORIR!!!!!!! HAYYY JUNIOR AGARRAME LA MANO!!!
so caitlin and i are nice and cool. we decide to smoke a stogey but the only problem is we cant just smoke any where we want. we had to look for the smokers area. so we look in the map and theres these blue squares scattered around the whole park. so when we find one we get in the blue line and now we're in the box, the "smokers area", fuckin disney has to isolate us like we're carrying a disease. we're smoking away and as im finishing my soda walking towards the garbage there’s this little boy that’s in front it picking his nose. now this little fucker is like all up in his shit. like he's trying to pick his brains. so i didnt want to get near him incase he tried to sneak it on me so i let him finish but what i didnt think was that he was gonna put it on the garbage pale. these arent the ones that are wide open from the top. you have to slide the door in and and dump your shit. so this little son of bitch with the fuckin booger had to put it on the door. and this was a loooong sucker im talkin like there was no way around it for me to dump the bottle. so im fuckin staring at this nasty ass green booger that slimed his way in my direction and i said fuck it i aint touchin that. the next garbage pale was like another mile away i might as well just wait hopefully the little shit doesn't end up over there pickin the other side of his nose.
Thursday, July 9, 2009
Oh..my loving family (JUNIOR NEEDED A BREAK FROM TAMPA TO REMINISCE)
Let me start off by saying I love them all. Mireya- wonderful woman...sometimes. There was a time when she was a germaphobe. This lady hated it when someone drank from her glass or used her utensils to try something off her plate. I remember a few times I would run into the kitchen and ask if the food was ready and at the same time there would be a glass of coca-cola just sitting there helplessly waiting to be grabbed. As I'm staring at it, it talks to me-"agarrame" "tomate un tragito" I'm like 4yrs old what do you think I was gonna do. So as I'm sipping away Mireya turns around and quickly says "hay nonononono sirvame otro, yo no quiero esa ya".
At the time it didn't bother me cause I didn't understand but when I think about it now it's like fuckin bitch treated us like aliens. If I was older then, I would of said check it bitch, look at your I.d. Does it say resident? Fuck no it don't, it says A L I E N. YOU E.T. You don't drink out of my cup.
There were times when I would be chilling in the room watching tv when suddenly Mireya walks in. "hay que calor" "que calorrr" and then starts to strip. I honestly don't know how many mothers do this in front of their 4yr olds but cut the shit. It ain't fuckin healthy for us. Worse part about it was when she would strip then suddenly catch a cramp on her hip and then having to watch her stretch. Fuckin saggy ass titis all up in the way, hairy and long ass bush that looked like she hadn't shaved since she found out she was pregnant with fonz.
This wasn't a once in a blue thing. This was a daily routine of my life then. I remember when it was time to go to bed. I would pray to sleep in my room on the top bunk while fonz slept in the bottom...never happened. I remember the call "junior, ya venga" "a dormir" i would be in the room watching tv with fonz when Mireya would give me the call. I would just pretend I didn't hear her even though her voice is like a police siren.. She would keep yelling "juniorrrrrrrr" "venga ahoraaaaaaa", when I look at fonz, he's looking at me and all he says was you better go kid before she comes in here and carries your ass over there. Sometimes he would say hurry up pretend your sleeping pretend your sleeping. So it's not like I was unable to hear her coming as she clapped her way to the room with her chankletas and grabbed me. Brings me to the room, lays me down right smack in the between her and my pops so I wouldn't escape. When I was in the middle it was almost impossible to get out. I would actually wait till they competed in a snoring competition. When both were really loud I knew it was my chance. But I was in the middle so I needed a plan still cause any sudden movements she would wake up, so I faked having to take a piss. I would be in the bathroom fill up a cup with water and just pour it in the toilet so it'll sound like I was going. I would flush, then walk in the room but not climb back in. Now you see I didn't go straight to fonz' room cuz I knew Mireya was expecting me to come back. So I shook the foot of the bed to give the illusion that I was climbing back on. And that's when I would make my exit.
As I got a little bigger I really didn't fit in the middle anymore now I would sleep at the edge. But I hated it. I always wanted to sleep in my bed. So since I was the edge it was easier to escape cuz I would just roll off and she wouldn't notice. As I RAN FOR MY LIFE to fonz' room I Would climb up to my bed and sleep. Minutes later I start to hear clapping coming towards the room and it was Mireya coming to take her slave back to the cage. As much as I liked to sleep at the edge of the bed cuz it was easier to leave, there was always a catch.
This one time...I was 5yrs old, and I remember I was knocked out till Mireya woke me up but just by checking to see if I was asleep. I felt her move me cause I had my back towards her but I didn't open my eyes. I hear her whisper "junior" "junior" "estas despierto" but I didn't want to respond cause I didn't want her to know I was awake waiting for her to fall asleep. SUDDENLY OUT OF NOWHERE THE BED STARTS SHAKING, MY BODY STARTS FUCKIN JUMPING UP AND DOWN, LIKES THERES A FUCKIN EARTHQUAKE GOIN ON ONLY IN THE ROOM. When I look over to see my mother was on top of my father underneath the sheets with her hands by his neck just fuckin hoppin up and down up and down, oh my god I was so scared I didn't know what was happening, I didn't know if she was trying to kill him, choke him, or wat but I think he was fighting for his life cuz I know I heard grunts I know I did, but I knew there was nothing I could do so ran out of there saving my own life. I ran into the living room hiding in a corner rolled up like a ball hoping Mireya won't find me. All I could think about was oh my god she probably got to fonz before I could warn him about her rampage......but then she found me. I couldn't even look at her, my body shaking as she gets closer. She drops to her knees and says "que paso mijito?" and I told her "tu estabas matando a papi en la cama" and she says "como?" "hahaha, yo no le mate, estábamos jugando el salte del tigere".
At the time it didn't bother me cause I didn't understand but when I think about it now it's like fuckin bitch treated us like aliens. If I was older then, I would of said check it bitch, look at your I.d. Does it say resident? Fuck no it don't, it says A L I E N. YOU E.T. You don't drink out of my cup.
There were times when I would be chilling in the room watching tv when suddenly Mireya walks in. "hay que calor" "que calorrr" and then starts to strip. I honestly don't know how many mothers do this in front of their 4yr olds but cut the shit. It ain't fuckin healthy for us. Worse part about it was when she would strip then suddenly catch a cramp on her hip and then having to watch her stretch. Fuckin saggy ass titis all up in the way, hairy and long ass bush that looked like she hadn't shaved since she found out she was pregnant with fonz.
This wasn't a once in a blue thing. This was a daily routine of my life then. I remember when it was time to go to bed. I would pray to sleep in my room on the top bunk while fonz slept in the bottom...never happened. I remember the call "junior, ya venga" "a dormir" i would be in the room watching tv with fonz when Mireya would give me the call. I would just pretend I didn't hear her even though her voice is like a police siren.. She would keep yelling "juniorrrrrrrr" "venga ahoraaaaaaa", when I look at fonz, he's looking at me and all he says was you better go kid before she comes in here and carries your ass over there. Sometimes he would say hurry up pretend your sleeping pretend your sleeping. So it's not like I was unable to hear her coming as she clapped her way to the room with her chankletas and grabbed me. Brings me to the room, lays me down right smack in the between her and my pops so I wouldn't escape. When I was in the middle it was almost impossible to get out. I would actually wait till they competed in a snoring competition. When both were really loud I knew it was my chance. But I was in the middle so I needed a plan still cause any sudden movements she would wake up, so I faked having to take a piss. I would be in the bathroom fill up a cup with water and just pour it in the toilet so it'll sound like I was going. I would flush, then walk in the room but not climb back in. Now you see I didn't go straight to fonz' room cuz I knew Mireya was expecting me to come back. So I shook the foot of the bed to give the illusion that I was climbing back on. And that's when I would make my exit.
As I got a little bigger I really didn't fit in the middle anymore now I would sleep at the edge. But I hated it. I always wanted to sleep in my bed. So since I was the edge it was easier to escape cuz I would just roll off and she wouldn't notice. As I RAN FOR MY LIFE to fonz' room I Would climb up to my bed and sleep. Minutes later I start to hear clapping coming towards the room and it was Mireya coming to take her slave back to the cage. As much as I liked to sleep at the edge of the bed cuz it was easier to leave, there was always a catch.
This one time...I was 5yrs old, and I remember I was knocked out till Mireya woke me up but just by checking to see if I was asleep. I felt her move me cause I had my back towards her but I didn't open my eyes. I hear her whisper "junior" "junior" "estas despierto" but I didn't want to respond cause I didn't want her to know I was awake waiting for her to fall asleep. SUDDENLY OUT OF NOWHERE THE BED STARTS SHAKING, MY BODY STARTS FUCKIN JUMPING UP AND DOWN, LIKES THERES A FUCKIN EARTHQUAKE GOIN ON ONLY IN THE ROOM. When I look over to see my mother was on top of my father underneath the sheets with her hands by his neck just fuckin hoppin up and down up and down, oh my god I was so scared I didn't know what was happening, I didn't know if she was trying to kill him, choke him, or wat but I think he was fighting for his life cuz I know I heard grunts I know I did, but I knew there was nothing I could do so ran out of there saving my own life. I ran into the living room hiding in a corner rolled up like a ball hoping Mireya won't find me. All I could think about was oh my god she probably got to fonz before I could warn him about her rampage......but then she found me. I couldn't even look at her, my body shaking as she gets closer. She drops to her knees and says "que paso mijito?" and I told her "tu estabas matando a papi en la cama" and she says "como?" "hahaha, yo no le mate, estábamos jugando el salte del tigere".
Florida Day 3-on the way to Disney
So now it's day 3 in boring ass Tampa Florida. It's about 10 something a.m.
I'm fuckin freazin cause I got snowflake sleepin next to me blastin the A.C. Down to like -40 degrees. I have icicles growing outta my nose and my nipples are crazy hard, so hard I can stab somebody in the face with these babies. So to follow the routine tv goes on traveling bitches shows up, tears from my eyes come down, freeze half way through, go downstairs get some coffee eat some stale ass bagels before we hit the road jack.
Now we're in the car setting up our cheap ass GPS to get us to Disney.Yay!!!!!!
Snowball and I are just hoping that the GPS doesn't fuck us over.
Every time we drove somewhere the son of a bitch in the machine kept saying there wasn't any satellite connection.
So we're on the road and if I remember correctly it was about a 2hr/ half trip. But what I do remember was that it was the most painful car ride I think I've ever been in. And of course I'm gonna tell you why you silly goose. All we had to listen to the whole ride there was the mamma mia soundtrack and a few others that made my ears bleed. I couldn't take it...only 5 minutes on the road and I already wanted to unbuckle the seatbelt, open the door and JUMP!!!!
But I was anxious to go to Disney cause I never had the chance to when I was younger.
Mireya was workin 3 jobs as a seamstress at 3 different factories I'm assuming like almost every inmigrante. Except for the ones that work underneath the 61st street train station on Roosevelt ave selling Tamales!!!!!!!!!! Tenemos tamalesratoneschuletas y chorrisos!!!!!!
Luis was working at colbart art making some big ass estatuas de la libertad and some fridge magnets which he loved to hand out to everyone he knew.
While they were working I was home...with my beautiful sister who practically tried to rip my head off of my shoulders with a towel, and my brother who stood up thinkin he was the real slim shady, rappin not even an inch away from my face. So god damn close I could smell his breath and feel his saliva burning my face like it was acid with every verse he spat. But those two I'm gonna leave for another day.
So yes I was anxious. So I needed a plan to survive this torture. So I rolled down the window hoping someone on the next lane was driving the same speed so I can listen in on there radio. I tried and I prayed but nothing. Whack DMC over here had me humming to S.O.S when suddenly I hear a faded big pimpin by jay z driving up behind us on the next lane. So I rolled down the window all the way, look over to frosty and tell her I'm gettin nauseous so I stick my head out lookin like the joker in the dark knight. Jammin to my shit yo. So I'm boppin away boppin away when the music starts to fade. Now I'm trying to yell come back come back, but not too loud to give away my position. I'm over here sounding like Rose in titanic when she tried callin the boats to come back but couldn't yell cause her throat was frozen. The only difference was that I didn't have a whistle. As jay z exited from my life there was nothing left for me to do but take in the noise coming from the stereo and just wait till we got to Disney.
I'm fuckin freazin cause I got snowflake sleepin next to me blastin the A.C. Down to like -40 degrees. I have icicles growing outta my nose and my nipples are crazy hard, so hard I can stab somebody in the face with these babies. So to follow the routine tv goes on traveling bitches shows up, tears from my eyes come down, freeze half way through, go downstairs get some coffee eat some stale ass bagels before we hit the road jack.
Now we're in the car setting up our cheap ass GPS to get us to Disney.Yay!!!!!!
Snowball and I are just hoping that the GPS doesn't fuck us over.
Every time we drove somewhere the son of a bitch in the machine kept saying there wasn't any satellite connection.
So we're on the road and if I remember correctly it was about a 2hr/ half trip. But what I do remember was that it was the most painful car ride I think I've ever been in. And of course I'm gonna tell you why you silly goose. All we had to listen to the whole ride there was the mamma mia soundtrack and a few others that made my ears bleed. I couldn't take it...only 5 minutes on the road and I already wanted to unbuckle the seatbelt, open the door and JUMP!!!!
But I was anxious to go to Disney cause I never had the chance to when I was younger.
Mireya was workin 3 jobs as a seamstress at 3 different factories I'm assuming like almost every inmigrante. Except for the ones that work underneath the 61st street train station on Roosevelt ave selling Tamales!!!!!!!!!! Tenemos tamalesratoneschuletas y chorrisos!!!!!!
Luis was working at colbart art making some big ass estatuas de la libertad and some fridge magnets which he loved to hand out to everyone he knew.
While they were working I was home...with my beautiful sister who practically tried to rip my head off of my shoulders with a towel, and my brother who stood up thinkin he was the real slim shady, rappin not even an inch away from my face. So god damn close I could smell his breath and feel his saliva burning my face like it was acid with every verse he spat. But those two I'm gonna leave for another day.
So yes I was anxious. So I needed a plan to survive this torture. So I rolled down the window hoping someone on the next lane was driving the same speed so I can listen in on there radio. I tried and I prayed but nothing. Whack DMC over here had me humming to S.O.S when suddenly I hear a faded big pimpin by jay z driving up behind us on the next lane. So I rolled down the window all the way, look over to frosty and tell her I'm gettin nauseous so I stick my head out lookin like the joker in the dark knight. Jammin to my shit yo. So I'm boppin away boppin away when the music starts to fade. Now I'm trying to yell come back come back, but not too loud to give away my position. I'm over here sounding like Rose in titanic when she tried callin the boats to come back but couldn't yell cause her throat was frozen. The only difference was that I didn't have a whistle. As jay z exited from my life there was nothing left for me to do but take in the noise coming from the stereo and just wait till we got to Disney.
Wednesday, July 1, 2009
Junior in Tampa- Day 2 (Part 2)
Alright so I head back upstairs after my massive Rocky workout (5mins on the treadmill, 10 pushups, and 10 jumping jacks). Take a shower, brush the fuck outta my teeth because I don't need anybody else telling me I have trippies hot ass breath.
I go downstairs to get caitlin and myself some coffee cause the breakfast here sucks. It consists of old ass mother fuckin bagels and bananas. And believe me them bagels are old.
So caitlin gets ready, hop in the car, and shoot out to grandma's. When we get there, guess who we see rockin' the white tank, khakis, and some sexy ass chankletas with some crusty ass toes lookin like mireya's feet. You got it. It was grandpa by the dirty ass lake feeding his friends some bread crumbs......the ducks. We go over to say hello then make our way into the crib. Truth is only one of us really came to say hello to grandma cause I wanted to see wat she was cookin.
Grandma was cooking white.......wait, Jen get ready and grab some napkins. Your friends don't need to see you drooling. White rice, black beans mmmm yummy Tino, groundbeef mixed with potatoes, sweet plantains, and yuca. So as we're waiting for the food grandma starts talking to me about Mireya. She tells me how she called the crib yesterday asking how I was, and if I was dead or alive because I didn't call her when we got here. So I tell grandma Mireya is losing it now that she has new children to take care of. Before you know it the house phone starts ringin. Caitlin and I are in the smokers cage and grandma opens the door and hands me the phone and I take it not even asking her who it is first, but it's too late now cause it's already in my grasp and it's burning my hand and I don't know why. As I pull the phone to my ear, I look at grandma and she has this fake ass serious look on her face which seems like any second now she's about to laugh or that
she's constipated.
So I say hello and all I hear is a gritón. "hola!!!!!! Hijo. Soy yo tu única madre del mundo. Te acuerdas de mi? Yo no creo porque tu no me llamas. Estoy aquí preocupada porque no sabía si estabas muerto. No a podrido dormir. Por que no me llamastes mi hijo lindo? Tu sabes que yo a llorado porque nadie me estraña. Hay!!!!!! Me quiero morir.
So as i waited for the right moment to strike with an excuse. I looked at grandma and she's just hysterical. The only person I trusted in this whole world just jerked me. I feel like she just stuck her finger up my ass like she did with the suppository years ago. So I get to Mireya and tell her "I'm sorry, es que yo estaba muy ocupado" she says "o si??? Y con que??? Porque si yo me acuerdo bien tu estas en tu vacaciones y yo haca haciendo nada.. So obviously I didn't think it through too much due to the shock I got from grandma's prank......that biOtch.
I go downstairs to get caitlin and myself some coffee cause the breakfast here sucks. It consists of old ass mother fuckin bagels and bananas. And believe me them bagels are old.
So caitlin gets ready, hop in the car, and shoot out to grandma's. When we get there, guess who we see rockin' the white tank, khakis, and some sexy ass chankletas with some crusty ass toes lookin like mireya's feet. You got it. It was grandpa by the dirty ass lake feeding his friends some bread crumbs......the ducks. We go over to say hello then make our way into the crib. Truth is only one of us really came to say hello to grandma cause I wanted to see wat she was cookin.
Grandma was cooking white.......wait, Jen get ready and grab some napkins. Your friends don't need to see you drooling. White rice, black beans mmmm yummy Tino, groundbeef mixed with potatoes, sweet plantains, and yuca. So as we're waiting for the food grandma starts talking to me about Mireya. She tells me how she called the crib yesterday asking how I was, and if I was dead or alive because I didn't call her when we got here. So I tell grandma Mireya is losing it now that she has new children to take care of. Before you know it the house phone starts ringin. Caitlin and I are in the smokers cage and grandma opens the door and hands me the phone and I take it not even asking her who it is first, but it's too late now cause it's already in my grasp and it's burning my hand and I don't know why. As I pull the phone to my ear, I look at grandma and she has this fake ass serious look on her face which seems like any second now she's about to laugh or that
she's constipated.
So I say hello and all I hear is a gritón. "hola!!!!!! Hijo. Soy yo tu única madre del mundo. Te acuerdas de mi? Yo no creo porque tu no me llamas. Estoy aquí preocupada porque no sabía si estabas muerto. No a podrido dormir. Por que no me llamastes mi hijo lindo? Tu sabes que yo a llorado porque nadie me estraña. Hay!!!!!! Me quiero morir.
So as i waited for the right moment to strike with an excuse. I looked at grandma and she's just hysterical. The only person I trusted in this whole world just jerked me. I feel like she just stuck her finger up my ass like she did with the suppository years ago. So I get to Mireya and tell her "I'm sorry, es que yo estaba muy ocupado" she says "o si??? Y con que??? Porque si yo me acuerdo bien tu estas en tu vacaciones y yo haca haciendo nada.. So obviously I didn't think it through too much due to the shock I got from grandma's prank......that biOtch.
Junior in Tampa--- Day 2 (finally)
Well let's get into the second day I was in FL. Because apparently my sister doesn't understand the simple f a c t that I have been busy.
So it's 10 something a.m. Caitlin is still knocked the fuck out. And I'm laying there fartin up a storm cause of all the beans I ate at grandma's, watchin fuckin sisterhood of the traveling panties. Which I have to say is the most boring film I have ever seen. U thought sandra bullocks ya-ya sisterhood was bad? Oh hell no, this shit has you crying from the beginning because it ain't finishing fast enough. Twice in a row i'm stuck watching this horrible movie because the hotel is too cheap to get timewarner yo, motherfuckers got the "hampton inn" cable box.
So I decide to get my lazy ass outta bed and go check out the grand gym this hotel has. I'm trying to get in shape u know that Alfonso Erazo fit. Especially after I'm gonna have a week of grandma's delicious food. So I put on my gym shit on and head downstairs. Now uve ever been so excited to go somewhere or just to check out something? But the only thing waiting for you was a big fuckin slap of disappointment? That's how I felt. I mean I'm gettin dressed right, I'm hyped, I'm doin the Mireya stretches, I'm out the door and 2ft away from the gym I stop. I take a deep breath, hold that shit in so it can make my pex stick out like I'm fuckin Arnold, and then boom I walk in....remember the slap I was talkin about? Yea well I just got it. I'm lookin at this "gym" and I want to cry. I feel like if I wanted to shed some tears I wouldve just stayed upstairs watchin the traveling bitches or fuckin Maury "HE IS NOT THE FATHER".Jen this gym only had a treadmilland an exercise bike.......where the fuck are my weights? I c ouldn't believe this, so I had to pull a gladisita real quick with an "oh hell no boo boo". I fuckin dashed to the front desk and said goodmorning...candice, let me ask you a question; is this the only "gym" you guys have or do you have other ones on each floor? ........She said only 1.
So I said fuck it. Mayb I can make it work with a little bit of joggin, push ups, and jumping jacks. Mind you this gym is like the size of jen's kitchen. So I decide to run for a few. So I turn it on I start walking. Pick up the speed now I'm power walking. I realize I'm fuckin sweatin already. There's like this little fan blowing hot ass air at ur face it feels like u can't even breathe. So now i'm joggin. I'm sweatin buckets, my shirt is drenched, and something stinks and I'm trying to figure it out. So I hop off the treadmill and start doing pushups. Now the smell is unbearable. It's like when your petting tripper and he has his face on your face breathing his fuckin hot-fire breath all up in your nose and burnin your nose hairs, shit makes you go "damn nigga care for a breafmint yo?" so I finish with my push ups and start doin jumping jacks. This in front of the small ass fan which turned out to be a mistake. So I'm doing my jumping jacks and the smell is back. It's I'm like what the fuck is this shit so like any person would do I smell my pits. Now I ain't gonna lie, they smelled iiight.
I'm goin around the room tryin to figure it out and I can't. So I come across a cleaning lady and she asks me if I would like a towel so I said yess please thank-BOOM she cuts me off....covering her nose and mouth as she walked away saying do not mention it. And then I knew.........
Stay tuned for part 2.
So it's 10 something a.m. Caitlin is still knocked the fuck out. And I'm laying there fartin up a storm cause of all the beans I ate at grandma's, watchin fuckin sisterhood of the traveling panties. Which I have to say is the most boring film I have ever seen. U thought sandra bullocks ya-ya sisterhood was bad? Oh hell no, this shit has you crying from the beginning because it ain't finishing fast enough. Twice in a row i'm stuck watching this horrible movie because the hotel is too cheap to get timewarner yo, motherfuckers got the "hampton inn" cable box.
So I decide to get my lazy ass outta bed and go check out the grand gym this hotel has. I'm trying to get in shape u know that Alfonso Erazo fit. Especially after I'm gonna have a week of grandma's delicious food. So I put on my gym shit on and head downstairs. Now uve ever been so excited to go somewhere or just to check out something? But the only thing waiting for you was a big fuckin slap of disappointment? That's how I felt. I mean I'm gettin dressed right, I'm hyped, I'm doin the Mireya stretches, I'm out the door and 2ft away from the gym I stop. I take a deep breath, hold that shit in so it can make my pex stick out like I'm fuckin Arnold, and then boom I walk in....remember the slap I was talkin about? Yea well I just got it. I'm lookin at this "gym" and I want to cry. I feel like if I wanted to shed some tears I wouldve just stayed upstairs watchin the traveling bitches or fuckin Maury "HE IS NOT THE FATHER".Jen this gym only had a treadmilland an exercise bike.......where the fuck are my weights? I c ouldn't believe this, so I had to pull a gladisita real quick with an "oh hell no boo boo". I fuckin dashed to the front desk and said goodmorning...candice, let me ask you a question; is this the only "gym" you guys have or do you have other ones on each floor? ........She said only 1.
So I said fuck it. Mayb I can make it work with a little bit of joggin, push ups, and jumping jacks. Mind you this gym is like the size of jen's kitchen. So I decide to run for a few. So I turn it on I start walking. Pick up the speed now I'm power walking. I realize I'm fuckin sweatin already. There's like this little fan blowing hot ass air at ur face it feels like u can't even breathe. So now i'm joggin. I'm sweatin buckets, my shirt is drenched, and something stinks and I'm trying to figure it out. So I hop off the treadmill and start doing pushups. Now the smell is unbearable. It's like when your petting tripper and he has his face on your face breathing his fuckin hot-fire breath all up in your nose and burnin your nose hairs, shit makes you go "damn nigga care for a breafmint yo?" so I finish with my push ups and start doin jumping jacks. This in front of the small ass fan which turned out to be a mistake. So I'm doing my jumping jacks and the smell is back. It's I'm like what the fuck is this shit so like any person would do I smell my pits. Now I ain't gonna lie, they smelled iiight.
I'm goin around the room tryin to figure it out and I can't. So I come across a cleaning lady and she asks me if I would like a towel so I said yess please thank-BOOM she cuts me off....covering her nose and mouth as she walked away saying do not mention it. And then I knew.........
Stay tuned for part 2.
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