Back from Hiatus...

....feels a little strange to come back to this after so long. I dont even know where to stArt.Lets try starting with my lovely sister. Of course everyone that Gets to know her loves her...i know i do. But do you all really "know" her?..i Dont think so. Im gonna go back As far as i can remember.

First of all my father used to own this white grand prix. Small freakin thing. Way before he bought his beaner van. I used to hate getting in this car cause even though i was small, for some reason i always got squished. Those of you who arent latino probably dont know. But when you have a 2 door car you tend to fit as many people in it as if it were a party bus. Of course everytime we went some where, jhen sat NeXT to me...i know she didnt want to. She's not gonna admit to it which is why i'm telling this story and not her. I was 4 or 5. Whenever that car turned one way my whole body ended up leaning against her arm. And what Does she do? She snaps her arm out PUSHING me to the other side of the car, Im fuckin 4 yrs old. My body FLIES across the back Seat of this thing. People driving behind us were probably thinking i was flying around in there like baby superman. Oh sure but when it's the other way around, when she ends up leaning on me. All i could do was take the 140 lbs pounds that was pushed against me. It just wasn't fair. When we ended up on the highway...jhen loved to Open the window. Have that breeze hit her hair. Ooofa!! Not like now where if its too windy she has to wear a hat. OMG my hair! Ay mi pelo. Im still sitting NeXT to her and little does she know that her hair is whipping me in the face. I cant say shit or else she was gonna snuff me. Let alone everytime i opened my mouth just to say mommy, her hair would find its way into my mouth and choke me.

A few years later "the craft" Came out. I swore to myself back then that jhen was part of that group. All she wore was black. Thick black hair. Black eyeliner. Red lipstick..sometimes. Usually only when she went out with a black guy....her favorite ha!!!!!OMG!!! the baths. How could i forget the baths. I used to CRY when i heard my mother yell "jhenny! Dale un banito a Junior!" it was complete torture....i know she didnt want to. Especially having to Wash my culito, Oh man i knew she was furious. I could feel her blood boiling through her hands. The soap would melt if she held it for too long. Oh man and the drying? What a disaster. Lets just say thank the lord JESUS she didnt dry me off with a blow drier. I would Have had 1st degree burns all over. Por todos lados!!!!! She used to dry me off with the towel. Plant it on my head, while it covered my face. So i wont be able to see a damn thing while she yanked my hair off of my scalp. I dont think i have Ever experienced anything more painful than that. I love you jhenny!! Tamales!!

Birthday Planning

JR: So what's up? How's work?

Jhen: Work is ok, thanks.

I was just talking to Mom... Sunday (shocking) is when she would like to celebrate with you (us). Is there anything you would like in particular?

Do you want to eat at her place or go out? I spoke to Fonz, he is going to both (Friday and Sunday).

Also, I was online with Gladys the other night, she has plans on Friday night and is working a double on Saturday but she doesn't have to be at work on Sunday until 5pm, so I invited her to have brunch with us. I told her about the videos... she wants to see them, so maybe we can all go to Mom's after. That is assuming you and I are having brunch on Sunday. Let me know.

So what do you want to do? Eat at Mom's? Go out somewhere?

Also, do you want to invite Kenny?

If we eat at Mom's is there something specific you want to eat? Of course you can have this conversation with her..LOL

JR: Coño chica, how long did u speak with her lol. I guess we can just eat in. Save everyone a lot of money. Gladys should definitely come through and watch the videos lol. Kenny should come too.

About the food, idk how does white rice black beans the plantains juan makes with the cheese inside. How do u feel about mashed potatoes? Havnt had that in a while. And choice of meat idk. Some of that pasta juan makes also. Oh and some guacamole. Mmmmmmmmmm.

Yes Sunday is good for brunch.

I'm in.

Jhen: For meat maybe we can do fried steak. Haven't seen that in a while either.

What do you think? Then we can give mom the menu.

Are you going to be ok staying up til late Sunday afternoon? Fonz isn't going to get there until at least 4.

JR: True LOL. La cocina de hoy.

Please I'm so used to not sleepin. I hate wasting my weekends. Plus with everyone there I'll be up lol

Jhen: Wait so--- fried steak? Or something else?

I will invite Kenny to Mom's. Gladys can go with us to breakfast because she has to go to work. What time should I tell her? 10?


JR: Yea 10 and yes fried steak.

Jhen: Ok. done. I spoke with her (mom).

She has the menu and wrote it down, or at least she made it seem like she was writing it down.

So 4pm for dinner but I told her you, Gladys and I will come by after breakfast. She said fine, but we have to stay in the living room. (as if anyone wants to be in that hot a#$ kitchen). I told her fine, because we are going to watch videos.

Also. I am going to invite Kenny to mom's. Should I tell him to meet us there? Or should he go to breakfast? I am not paying for his a#$.

PS I know you don't like cake... but.. if you had a choice of dessert what would it be? For the pictures


JR: Whoa whoa whoa....no pictures sister Erazo. How does cheese cake sound? Cheese cake with some coffee, mmmmmm

U got me laughing. "hot ass kitchen" "kenny's broke ass"

Just invite him to ma's cuz he won't have any money. Cuz ballas don't carry cash, they carry change!!!! Booyakasha!

Idiot

Junior on Hiatus- part 3

Mireya told me today I should get a nose job.... para que me vea mas bonita.

Damn it, Junior. Write something already.

Junior on hiatus... part 2

The following is actually a guest blog by my dear friend, Jessica, who is equally, if not funnier (yes, I said it), than Junior.

This is a compilation of emails that were sent during her call in for jury duty this past May. By the way, she doesn’t know she is guest blogging.

Glad I keep all important emails in reserve for just this type of situation…

I'm sitting in effing jury duty and man, are there some crazy cats here. I got called for a panel at 10 yesterday and was in voie dire until 4:00!! There were only 6 of us in the room being questioned by 8 lawyers. Some of the other people on the panel consisted of Slow Talker, the 25-year-old doofus who could barely put a sentence together, Really Old Eccentric Guy, who was 104 and answered every question with a soliloquy and Plastic Surgery Woman, who, when asked how she looked so good for her age by another juror, gave some bullsh!t answer about healthy living but never once mentioned her surgeon.

Today we have Screechy Skinny Boy with Purse, Terribly Hip Guy With Plaid Shirt and Leather Tie and 142-year-old Woman With Three Teeth. Screechy is stomping his cute little wellie-covered feet in protest against being here while trying not to bump into walls because he's too fabulous to take his sunglasses off inside. Hip is lounging around playing with his iPhone and being unshowered. Old Women is toothlessly telling me about her 9 "babies", some of whom have babies themselves. From what I've been able to understand one of the babies has a baby "in her belly." This place needs its own reality show.

Seriously - if you could see and hear the freaks in this joint. I think the best way to keep people from committing crimes would be to let them see the retards who could potentially make up the "jury of their peers". I'm not even going to freaking jaywalk any more! The panel I was on yesterday revealed some real rocket scientists. Slow Talker was asked (in regard to the case we were being presented, where a man was seriously and permanently injured in an auto accident) if he had ever sustained a traumatic injury. Ten minutes later (because that's how long it took homeboy's synapses to fire), he answers "well, I, like, broke my pinky once playing football . . ." I almost fell of my chair with laughter. On our questionnaire they asked about our job history and specifically if we had ever worked in the medical field. Old Eccentric Guy apparently just lied altogether because when asked about his career in the medical field they finally got him to admit that he just had aspirations of being a nurse when he was growing up during the Civil War or whatever. Screechy won't sit in the chair I just offered him because it looks dirty to him. I think he's practicing his walk for Fashion Week out in the hallway right now. That or he's just trying to break in his rain boots that he bought in the Junior's department at Macy's. I just overheard a conversation between two of Our People who are going to try to pretend they don't speak English to get out of jury duty. My favorite moment from yesterday was when Slow Talker said to an African man in traditional dress: "Hey, man. I like your outfit."



You can't make this shit up.

My Turn

Junior is on some kind of sabbatical- something about "writer's block" (read: lazy ass)- which means I have to fill. Sorry everyone.

Last night we all had the pleasure of going to my mom's for a (only slightly) belated birthday situation.
Two weeks late, to be exact. By all accounts, in terms of Latin People Time, she was probably early.
My mom likes to punish us for having the audacity to go on vacation on our birthdays(or any major holiday) and not spending it with her. (read: enjoying ourselves without her).
Even though I was home the following weekend, at which time I thought we would gather and celebrate together as a family, she decided it was more important to spend the day at the beach.

Anyway, not that I am ungrateful.
I love having a birthday cake which has my name spelled incorrectly.

(back to florida recap) Day 3 part 2-disney

We're finally here. It was bad enough I had to sit in the car wanting to kill myself. So we park the car, and I get out, now I can't even stand up straight cause my ass is completely numb. The weather was scorching. It must of been at most 95-98 degrees. Caitlin and I put on this crazy amount of neutrogena sunblock before we headed to the bus stop that takes us to the monorail then to the park.

As we're waiting for the bus I look and I can't even imagine the amount of people that are here. This shit reminds of home. Between 69th and 74th street on Roosevelt, you know where juan's brothers, cousins, and friends all chill with their cups of coffee and deli style sandwiches waiting for the beaner van to roll up then start goin crazy trying to get in like there's a million dollars hidden inside the van to take just a few, not all of em, a few back to their destination. While the other ones angrily scream COÑO MENG, ORALE WAY YO ESTABA AQUI DESDE AYER WAY, NO ME HAGA ESO POR FAVOR, YO PINTO MEJOR QUEL OTRO.

The bus finally comes and everybody goes bananas to climb on this thing like there isn't another one coming like seriously cmon now niggas calm down. When we get to the park first thing I wanted to do was strip. There was not one fucking shade in sight. My pits were soaked and fuckin kickin' but not so bad where you can smell em without lifting up your arms. I bet a lot of you know wat I'm talking about. My shirt is drenched and sticken to my back. My ass is mad sweaty and I have this massive wedgy all up in my crack and I can't even pick it cause of all these people. And I know they don't know I have one cause sometimes depending what you have on you can tell. It's like you see someone with this nasty ass wedgy in front of you and in your head your like wow you really need to pick that shit pronto...cmon now motivate, MOTIVATE. So I'm scouting to see who's looking in my direction when I see that no one is and so I go in for the pick. But think about it, there's always that one person that catches you. Now like I told you I had a massive fuckin wedgy so it's not like its one easy pick and your good to go, no, I really had to dig into this bitch and like yank it out. So I did and what a relief. As I look around to see if anyone caught me taking the fuckin leach that was eating my culito, I spotted this guy that was looking at me with disgust. You know when someone is staring at you then when you look at em they just suddenly look in another direction, well that's wat this guy did. Like c’mon bro I just caught you lookin where you goin where you goin. And it's not like we were somewhere else where I didn't have to worry about seeing him again, no we were in fuckin Disney. I saw this guy everywhere I went. It came to a point where I was given this guy a waddup every time I saw him.

So now caitlin decides to start it off with a water ride cool us down cause she was also sweatin buckets. Her back was sweaty, her forehead glistening in the sun, and her little mustache that was empapado de sudor. Well it was a good idea about starting off with a water ride but this line was maaad fuckin long. I think we waited for about an hour. Every time we moved up it was like a foot every 5 minutes. So we get on the ride. It's turning here, turning there, now we're goin up the ramp to make a drop and people are screaming. I'm like wat the hell are you screaming for, shit ain't even doin nothing yet. So this one lady towards the back screams OMG!!! I'M GONNA DIE!!! As we're dropping, in my head I'm like OMG!!! I HOPE THE BAR THATS NOT EVEN REALLY SECURE BREAKS AND YOU FALL IN THE WATER!!!! It's like Mireya screaming in one of those rides HAY!!!! HAHA!!!!! ME VOY A MORIR!!!!!!! HAYYY JUNIOR AGARRAME LA MANO!!!

so caitlin and i are nice and cool. we decide to smoke a stogey but the only problem is we cant just smoke any where we want. we had to look for the smokers area. so we look in the map and theres these blue squares scattered around the whole park. so when we find one we get in the blue line and now we're in the box, the "smokers area", fuckin disney has to isolate us like we're carrying a disease. we're smoking away and as im finishing my soda walking towards the garbage there’s this little boy that’s in front it picking his nose. now this little fucker is like all up in his shit. like he's trying to pick his brains. so i didnt want to get near him incase he tried to sneak it on me so i let him finish but what i didnt think was that he was gonna put it on the garbage pale. these arent the ones that are wide open from the top. you have to slide the door in and and dump your shit. so this little son of bitch with the fuckin booger had to put it on the door. and this was a loooong sucker im talkin like there was no way around it for me to dump the bottle. so im fuckin staring at this nasty ass green booger that slimed his way in my direction and i said fuck it i aint touchin that. the next garbage pale was like another mile away i might as well just wait hopefully the little shit doesn't end up over there pickin the other side of his nose.