Coming to america part 1‏

Editor's Note: What Junior doesn't realize is the funniest part of this post is that even though he has lived in New York City his entire life, he didn't know how to pronounce Houston Street.. Please read.

Its tuesday night and im at fonz's crib baby sitting while he went off to play softball with a team that hasn't won a game for about a month...whack!

At about 9pm jhen calls me letting me know she just landed. If you didnt know she was pretty upset that her favorite brother (alfonso) couldn't pick her up from the AirPort. If you have Facebook then you would know cause she put this Nigga on BLAST!!! (kenny's words exactly). So she "axed" what i was doing after i finished baby sitting cause she wanted me to go with her and her friend ----- (editor's note: name left out to protect anonymity) Sutra. Of course i was down. So i called up the King of call of duty: modern warfare 2 (brother Kenny) to see if he wanted to come with. He came up with some half ass excuse that he had work in the morning and that he was already tucked in (ay!!! que lindo) Truth is home boy was probably broke ass. So i went anyway.

I took the N train to 8th street following my beautiful sister's instructions. (editor's note: I didn't want to confuse him with multiple subway transfers.. trust me it would have taken him twice as long) Sutra is on 1st street and 1ave. When i got to 3rd street i got lost. I didnt know that after 3rd st it was all names. I kept walking for 15 mins thinking it was gonna pop up but it never did. Jhen text me to ask to someone so i did. Un gordito caminando por alli told me to walk back. I asked him how far, he said about 15 mins back in the other direction!....now aint that some shit. He told me to walk down and look for housE-ton turn right onto 1st AVE then turn left to 1st street....im like ok. Im walking trying to make good time cause i also had to work in the morning. Its a Little past midnight. When i get to the corner of HOUSTON (fuckin idiot told me housETon) i did what the guy said and i found Sutra.

I walk in..and it was pretty dark in there. I have never been there before so i didnt know what to expect. All i saw were either thugged out niggas or pretty boys lookinglike kanye west with a little mix of neyo to it. There was jhen and her friend ----- at the bar. I got a Beer and jhen said lets go to the back. Im over here thinking we were going to a table to chill. NOPE, we ended up standing the whole time. We were basically on the dance floor where almost everyone was bustin' a move. It felt like i was in a remake of you got served. The music was really good so i didnt complain. A lot of the songs reminded me of when fonz used to blast that shit while he worked out on his solarflex and stared at himself in the mirror. I remember when he used to rap an Inch away from my face and i would feel this burning sensation on my cheeks and forehead cause he would spit at me.

So the whole time we're on the dance floor there was a black guy there doin his thing. Now...i dont know if it was the beers i had but it seemed like he was doing the same moves over and over. ----- even got in there grinding on his mandingo to a hip hop(not even reggae) song (dont tell me no cause im sorry con excuse pero yo lo vi todo) and he was STILL doing the same moves!!!! Anyway so every time a song came on jhen was like oh!!!!! Slaps me on the arm and goes Junior who's this who's this you gotta know you gotta know!!...while she points to her ear and up to the cieling. I couldnt remember the artists but i knew most of the songs. ----- stops dancing with the americas most talented dancer, comes over to the little corner we were on and then jhen disappears! So im there looking for her. She wasn't too hard to spot either...she was in between a couple of black guys so she stood out. Another song pops up and she's was like oh!!!!..Now she's pointing at me from across the dance floor saying my name Junior!!! Pointing at her ear saying who's this while she points at the cieling and then pointing at me again saying you know you know!! Im like i dont remember!!! But in my head i was like please stop pointing at me!
It was getting late and i tried to leave but jhen didnt want me to. So i stayed a bit longer.

We ended up chilling in the middle of the dance floor when the NeXT thing i know i have jhen yelling at me saying BATTLE HIM! BATTLE HIM! YOU CAN TAKE HIM!!! She was talking about the guy that kept doing the SAME MOVES!!! which is probably why he wasn't picked in the Cast of stomp the yard. So jhen starts to shove me to get in there to Battle this guy but im like fuck outta here, i aint no channing tatum from step up what Am i gonna do! I try doing the same moves imma end up punchin or kickin someone on the face accidentally. Worst thing i could have done was pull a salsa move on this mo' fo' to afuckin Hip hop song. BOOYA!

I love my sister part 2‏

So deciding where to continue, jhen has told me to tell all of you about the hersheys kiss story (FUCKEN LIE. THAT IS NOT WHAT I SAID. GET IT RIGHT, JUNIOR).I was 5 yrs old and was going to kindergarden. Jhen will always describe my childhood as being obnoxious (HE WAS OBNOXIOUS AS HELL). I honestly don't think i was every time i look back at the wonderful times i had with jhen before she moved from 31-14 steinway street (WE DIDN'T HAVE ANY GOOD TIMES WHEN I LIVED AT HOME). And those sleepless nights she had on the sofa when lesean thomas didn't bring his black ass over to the hallway.(I SLEPT ON THE DAMNED COUCHED FOR 2 YEARS).

Anyways, in school, i was pretty much just bad at everything...especially MATH. Jhen took it upon herself to teach me with hersheys kiss' (BIG MISTAKE. WASTE OF TIME). So we would go to the living room. As i walk to the sofa where i used to plant all my boogers..mind you till this day no one has ever known (DISGUSTING. I HONESTLY DIDN'T KNOW). I'm thinking to myself what will happen to me if I get the answer wrong? i used to be so afraid of jhen (PLEASE. YOU STILL ARE)..there were times when she used to pop up in my nightmares. Of course she wasn't the one saving me(I WOULD BE THE FIRST ONE TRYING TO SAVE YOU, UNGRATEFUL MOFO). She would team up with the evil in my head (EVIL= MIREYA, NOT JHEN). She came at me with her knife fingered tip glove (I WOULDN'T HAVE RUINED MY 1992- ACRYLIC NAILS ON YOUR CAN'T-ADD-ASS). Her long black hair that slightly covered face. And every time she laughed and i saw those piercing braces..i was like DAMN she's gonna bite my freakin face off (LOL! OK THIS IS FUNNY). So jhen pulls out this delicious looking bag of hershey's kiss' out of the fridge (THAT BAG WAS WHAT YOUR MOTHER FED YOU ON A DAILY BASIS ALONG WITH KITKAT BARS AND BOTTLES OF PEPSI), brings it over to the coffee table, reaches in and grabs a hand full. Didn't take long for my hands to sweat and my mouth to water. The second jhen sat down..math class has begun. (YEAH AND YOU FAILED EVERY TIME)
I was so nervous i didnt know if i should raise my hand to tell her i had to pee or just hold it..so i held it (WEAK ASS). Jhen licks her lips..sucks her teeth and says "ok, ready?" i said yes but what i really meant was fuck no (OF COURSE YOU WEREN'T). She then lines up 5 kiss' on the table (omg so delicious) and asks me.."yunior, if i were to take 3 of these kiss' away, how many would you have left?" SO I REACTED WITHOUT EVEN THINKING..i reached over and grabbed one slowly analyzing it and from the corner of my eye i noticed that jhen looked away. I AUTOMATICALLY started unwrapping this delicious kiss like i was fuckin charlie in the willy wonka factory looking for that god forsaken golden ticket..i put the kiss in my mouth before jhen turned and saw me. She then looks at the table and noticed one was missing. She looks at me, i look at her at those blazing eyes and little did i know there was a karate chop coming straight for me towards the back of my neck..it hits me, i yell OUCH!!!! the kiss goes fuckin FLYING OUT OF MY MOUTH, lands on the floor and i started to cry. From then on i hated jhen's math class 101. (JUNIOR= REPEATING STUDENT).

Back from Hiatus...

....feels a little strange to come back to this after so long. I dont even know where to stArt.Lets try starting with my lovely sister. Of course everyone that Gets to know her loves her...i know i do. But do you all really "know" her?..i Dont think so. Im gonna go back As far as i can remember.

First of all my father used to own this white grand prix. Small freakin thing. Way before he bought his beaner van. I used to hate getting in this car cause even though i was small, for some reason i always got squished. Those of you who arent latino probably dont know. But when you have a 2 door car you tend to fit as many people in it as if it were a party bus. Of course everytime we went some where, jhen sat NeXT to me...i know she didnt want to. She's not gonna admit to it which is why i'm telling this story and not her. I was 4 or 5. Whenever that car turned one way my whole body ended up leaning against her arm. And what Does she do? She snaps her arm out PUSHING me to the other side of the car, Im fuckin 4 yrs old. My body FLIES across the back Seat of this thing. People driving behind us were probably thinking i was flying around in there like baby superman. Oh sure but when it's the other way around, when she ends up leaning on me. All i could do was take the 140 lbs pounds that was pushed against me. It just wasn't fair. When we ended up on the highway...jhen loved to Open the window. Have that breeze hit her hair. Ooofa!! Not like now where if its too windy she has to wear a hat. OMG my hair! Ay mi pelo. Im still sitting NeXT to her and little does she know that her hair is whipping me in the face. I cant say shit or else she was gonna snuff me. Let alone everytime i opened my mouth just to say mommy, her hair would find its way into my mouth and choke me.

A few years later "the craft" Came out. I swore to myself back then that jhen was part of that group. All she wore was black. Thick black hair. Black eyeliner. Red lipstick..sometimes. Usually only when she went out with a black guy....her favorite ha!!!!!OMG!!! the baths. How could i forget the baths. I used to CRY when i heard my mother yell "jhenny! Dale un banito a Junior!" it was complete torture....i know she didnt want to. Especially having to Wash my culito, Oh man i knew she was furious. I could feel her blood boiling through her hands. The soap would melt if she held it for too long. Oh man and the drying? What a disaster. Lets just say thank the lord JESUS she didnt dry me off with a blow drier. I would Have had 1st degree burns all over. Por todos lados!!!!! She used to dry me off with the towel. Plant it on my head, while it covered my face. So i wont be able to see a damn thing while she yanked my hair off of my scalp. I dont think i have Ever experienced anything more painful than that. I love you jhenny!! Tamales!!