Monday, October 22, 2012
Stream of conciousness
Sitting at work with not much to do. I've actually begun to jot things down I see on my way to work or when I'm heading home just so I don't forget them.
The first thing I jotted down is about the subway. More so the people in the trains. Have you ever noticed when a big person..(I actually like to describe them as Heavy duty) steps onto the train, the first thing they look for are 2 empty seats? Not just one. But 2. The fucked up thing is, is that they sit in the middle of the 2 seats. Where that white border is literally in your crack. That shit is not comfortable at all. I know cause I've done it. When I got up to get off, my ass has already swallowed my boxers. And to pick it, is ridiculous because there are about 50 people watching. It took 30 minutes before I was able to get it out.
Have you ever tried taking out a wedgie without using your hands? I have, haha. This makes me laugh. I usually try when I'm crossing the street. It doesn't always work though. When I'm getting to the other side of the street, I hop over the curb. With this being done correctly I guess it opens up the cheeks a little bit and the wedgie is gone. IF it doesn't come out. Then I start looking for little shit on the sidewalk to hop over. gum, coins, leaves, dog shit...etc. If there's nothing in sight then I pretend like there's something there. I don't care if there's people behind me. I'll end up hopping all the way to the train station if I have to.
Kids do it all the time. If you notice, kids will just reach back and just yank that shit out. But when adults do it in front of other people, it grosses everyone out.
The other thing I noticed is the way people take a seat in the train. This I don't understand. When they're squeezing in between 2 people who by the way never fucking move an inch and also pretend they don't see you. The person squeezing in ends up literally grinding their whole ass from the top back of the seat and then slide (grind) their way down. I just had my back on that seat bitch.
The next thing I noticed are those taking public transportation when they're sick. What do you do when someone around you has a cold? Do you say buck it and take this person coughing and sneezing all over your personal space? Because honestly, nobody uses their arm to cover their faces. They just spit that shit all out. Me. I hold my breath. This is no joke. If I'm in the train and someone just sneezed/coughed, im not gonna inhale it. Cause then im gonna have what they have. I don't want it. Did they ask me if I wanted some germs? No. This is how people get sick. Sometimes I feel like walking up to them and saying. You never seen contagion nigga? You killin' everybody. That movie made me think too. Especially when I'm holding onto the rails.
Aside from those who should be quarantined. There is a new case that is Mireya. Un nuevo caso. La mujer esta loca. And I mean loquisima. My mother's issue now is Tripper. Poor guy. Tied up all day long because he pisses everywhere. Jhen says its because he's old and nobody walks him (including her when she's running late in the morning) but that's besides the point. Somebody just needs to jab this lady in the fucken throat! Caso cerrado!
I, too have an issue with tripper. But only because he tries to be an assassin when Elias is around. He's slick. He thinks I don't see his games but I do. When I'm in the kitchen and Elias follows me, Trip starts to shake. Of course because he knows I'm watching him so he plays that whole "im scared and innocent" look. If I wasn't there he'd be plotting his next move to pounce on lil' homie. There will be no black on black crime in this 3rd floor apt house.
Now, I'm pretty sure we all have favorite siblings if there's more than 2 in the family. For example: Jhen, Fonz and myself. If you dont know this, Fonz is Jhen's favorite. I don't think anyone knows who Fonz's favorite is. Apparently Jhen seems to think that I'm Fonz's favorite. And mine has to be Fonz.
Fonz was over the house to watch the Yankees play Baltimore. I was in the kitchen talking to Mireya. Jhen comes home from work, drops her bags on the dining table which the kitchen is RIGHT THERE! And the first thing you hear after she put everything down was "Hi Fonz!!!"....I know she saw me standing there. But she chose not to acknowledge me just yet because Tino was over. Tino has to come first. What about your little brother who never sleeps in his bed because he lets his big sister sleep on it? I'm just saying.
Now this was pretty funny. Jhen was eating dinner. Mireya was doing...something in the kitchen I can't remember. And I was standing around drinking my Malta. When Jhen asked Mireya to give something "a su hijo favorito" and Mireya goes "quien? A Yunior?" ...what can I say? I didn't choose to be this. I was the mistake.
I'm in the kitchen with my mother and we just started talking about her life in Ecuador. Her life in new york when she came here illegally after the titanic sank. She felt it was the perfect time to enter since people were more concerned about that giant ship than illegal immigrants. Then we started talking about Fonz and Jhen and their biological father. After him, came some Colombian guy in a mafia. He might've been Italian, I don't know. Then my father. As she's speaking about him she's telling me after Jhen was born, she didn't want to have anymore children. This is the conversation we had.
Mireya- "despues que nacio Yenny, yo no queria mas hijos. Cuando comenze a salir con tu padre, sali embarazada."
Me- "So yo fui un error. "
Mireya- "si, jajajajaj...digo..no no no. Como vas a creer eso mi hijo lindo, bello, precioso."
Me- "Pero tu dijistes que si primero!"
Mireya- "no, no lo pense chichi"
Me- "ya no te creo. Soy el error de esta casa!"
Mireya- "noooo! Jajajaj
Me- :-/ ...caso cerrado!
Saturday, July 21, 2012
sunday...fun day?
Sunday, a day off and nothing to do. I must've gotten home from work at about 9:30 that morning. I didn't know the kids were there but it was nice that they slept over. I've realized they're all super sweet and nice when they first wake up. All hugs from each. Well...more like they put their heads on my belly and I have to hug them. Their arms never go around. But still nice.
Damian was surprisingly sweet. To me anyway. For the first time I actually got to spend some time with my super powered nephew/godson. We were playing a baseball game on the ps3. Killing time cause there wasn't anything else to do. The girls were getting ready cause jhen was gonna take them to the city. When Dmac finally beat me, I decided to go take a shower so I can get some rest cause I worked the night before.
After the shower, I went straight to jhens bed (its actually my bed. But jhen coincidentally made it back to NY the same day my furniture came in....how is that possible? Quien le dijo? ). I hung my towel on the hook that's behind my bedroom closet. I don't normally put it there, she does, but since jhen went away for her and mikes birthday celebration, then over to Cali, and then to the canyon grand, which btw I told her to take the helicopter ride, I took advantage and used the hook.
So as jhen went to grab "my" towel, she felt it wet and then shouted at me asking if I just used "HER" towel. I said no! That's MY towel, and started to gag. Shit was nasty. I literally tried to close my eyes and hope it was all just a nightmare. But with the tears coming down my face, I knew it wasn't. Jhen and I were going back and forth at each other saying how its not yours its mine. APPARENTLY! When jhen came back there was NO towel hanging there. Probably because my mother entered my room (possibly looking for loose change) ended up seeing a towel there and assumed it was dirty and put it in the hamper.
Jhen must've picked out a similar green and white towel cause that's what I had also used. With all the gagging and shouting coming from the both of us. My father was in the next room and decided to come over and ask what was going on. With my hands covering my eyes cause at this point I couldn't look at jhen. I told my father "nada viejo, solamente que yo me seque la cara con las nalgas de Yenny! ". It was a complete disaster. I don't know how long I've been using jhens ass to dry myself off, but I don't want to know. I shut my eyes and went to sleep.
When I woke up the girls were gone. Damian was in Kenny's room still playing. I felt bad that he was left alone so I hung out with him. I needed to step out to the bank so I asked him if he wanted to come with me and then after I'll take him to the park. He said ok. As I'm waiting for Damian to get ready, he goes and gets his sneakers. Pulls out his socks from inside and puts them on. Now this is where I got stuck. #1- he had on shin high socks which looked like he tried to get them to his knee caps. #2- I couldn't figure out what color they were supposed to be because they were white around, and grey at the bottom which reached to his ankles. Were they dirty!? Has he caught on to fonz's legacy of reusing socks if they don't Smell bad? I didn't know. And finally #3- his sneakers were black on the top. Orange on the bottom. His shorts were grey. And he had on a baby blue shirt. Did fonz dress him? I was so confused.
As I finished making my deposit. I told Damian, let's take a walk to the park. He said he just wanted to walk around. I said ok, that's cool. When we got to the corner he wanted to make a right. I said ok. And I asked him where do you want to walk to? "Just around" he said. When we got to the corner he ends up making another right. Now I didn't catch on right away but I got the distinct feeling that this slick son of a bitch just wanted to take me around the fucking block. So I asked him. "Damian, did you really want to walk around or just around the block!? " he says "I don't know! " sucking his teeth as if he was confused. So i asked again "what do you want to do? " he took a long pause and When I looked up, We were already in front of the house...
Damian was surprisingly sweet. To me anyway. For the first time I actually got to spend some time with my super powered nephew/godson. We were playing a baseball game on the ps3. Killing time cause there wasn't anything else to do. The girls were getting ready cause jhen was gonna take them to the city. When Dmac finally beat me, I decided to go take a shower so I can get some rest cause I worked the night before.
After the shower, I went straight to jhens bed (its actually my bed. But jhen coincidentally made it back to NY the same day my furniture came in....how is that possible? Quien le dijo? ). I hung my towel on the hook that's behind my bedroom closet. I don't normally put it there, she does, but since jhen went away for her and mikes birthday celebration, then over to Cali, and then to the canyon grand, which btw I told her to take the helicopter ride, I took advantage and used the hook.
So as jhen went to grab "my" towel, she felt it wet and then shouted at me asking if I just used "HER" towel. I said no! That's MY towel, and started to gag. Shit was nasty. I literally tried to close my eyes and hope it was all just a nightmare. But with the tears coming down my face, I knew it wasn't. Jhen and I were going back and forth at each other saying how its not yours its mine. APPARENTLY! When jhen came back there was NO towel hanging there. Probably because my mother entered my room (possibly looking for loose change) ended up seeing a towel there and assumed it was dirty and put it in the hamper.
Jhen must've picked out a similar green and white towel cause that's what I had also used. With all the gagging and shouting coming from the both of us. My father was in the next room and decided to come over and ask what was going on. With my hands covering my eyes cause at this point I couldn't look at jhen. I told my father "nada viejo, solamente que yo me seque la cara con las nalgas de Yenny! ". It was a complete disaster. I don't know how long I've been using jhens ass to dry myself off, but I don't want to know. I shut my eyes and went to sleep.
When I woke up the girls were gone. Damian was in Kenny's room still playing. I felt bad that he was left alone so I hung out with him. I needed to step out to the bank so I asked him if he wanted to come with me and then after I'll take him to the park. He said ok. As I'm waiting for Damian to get ready, he goes and gets his sneakers. Pulls out his socks from inside and puts them on. Now this is where I got stuck. #1- he had on shin high socks which looked like he tried to get them to his knee caps. #2- I couldn't figure out what color they were supposed to be because they were white around, and grey at the bottom which reached to his ankles. Were they dirty!? Has he caught on to fonz's legacy of reusing socks if they don't Smell bad? I didn't know. And finally #3- his sneakers were black on the top. Orange on the bottom. His shorts were grey. And he had on a baby blue shirt. Did fonz dress him? I was so confused.
As I finished making my deposit. I told Damian, let's take a walk to the park. He said he just wanted to walk around. I said ok, that's cool. When we got to the corner he wanted to make a right. I said ok. And I asked him where do you want to walk to? "Just around" he said. When we got to the corner he ends up making another right. Now I didn't catch on right away but I got the distinct feeling that this slick son of a bitch just wanted to take me around the fucking block. So I asked him. "Damian, did you really want to walk around or just around the block!? " he says "I don't know! " sucking his teeth as if he was confused. So i asked again "what do you want to do? " he took a long pause and When I looked up, We were already in front of the house...
Thrown under the bus..
Have you ever been thrown under the bus? Not literally of course. By no other than the people who "love you"? Well I have. Monday, Mireya was home. Doing her usual cooking and cleaning. Followed by some cleaning after the last cleaning. I'm getting ready to hop in the shower when she tells me that Fonz is on his way over to drop the kids off cause the "obliteraters" have a softball game to play. I laugh at the name sometimes because when I ask him who won he says "they did"...MAYBE, they should change their name to the "obliteratED".
Anyway..as my mother waits for fonz and is done cleaning the kitchen area which to her should be spotless I might add at all times. Even while you are cooking. She goes and takes a look at the living room before the kids get there and make a mess. I don't know where she was looking exactly. I was in my room getting my stuff ready before I jumped in the shower. I heard her yelling towards my father "WHO left a stain on my sofa!! And didn't clean it up?" At this point she's cursing out the world and probably regretting telling Fonz that she would babysit for him.
My father comes out of the room and checks out the sofa. I'm in my room (jhens room) making a face while shaking my hands saying damn!!! Fonz is gonna hear it when he gets upstairs!!..what did I know? My father ends up telling her "yo no se quien fue. Lo que yo se, es que junior y yennifer son los unicos (he said LOS UNICOS!) Que comen ensima de los muebles" ....seriously? What a bitch ass snitch!
First of all, he couldn't just say the living room. No. He had to specify and say the furniture. I don't even think he even considered trying to save any of us. For all I know, he was mostly concerned about his own life. Me. Im not gonna lie, I was scared like a lil biOtch. After I heard him put the blame on me, I ran in the bathroom. I'm not ashamed of it. Now I'm not gonna lie. I, too, have thrown someone under the bus. But none of you really know the wrath that is Mireya. When she yells or screams, it makes the hairs on my arms stand up. Puts a ringing in my ears and she can be 50 feet away from you.
I remember watching TV in her room...while eating dinner on her bed. You're all probably saying no wonder my father blamed me. Ok so what, he may have a point but protect me damn it. Mireya won't kill him and he knows it probably because he has no life insurance with the colonial Penn yet. I ended up spilling a little bit of juice on the carpet, on her side of the bed. I still had a full plate of food in my hands. Do you really think I was gonna get up? What if I did? What if I went to get paper towels? She would've questioned me. Why? Cause she's ALWAYS in the damn kitchen! Then she would've followed me back into the room to see what I was up to. I didn't want all that pressure. Cause then she would've kicked me out and I would've had to sit at the table and feel like I was on time out. So..I left it there. I continued eating.
With every bite, the shaking of my hands and the fork clinking against my teeth as I took food in. I was scared. I was scared that any moment now mireya will walk through that door and step on the spill. I began to sweat. Not on my face but my pits. The damn sweat was running down my arm cause it knew something bad was coming. Mireya. She came in and began to pack shit in her closet. Taking stuff out of one luggage and putting it in another. The room was fully lit cause I had the ceiling light on. Before she stepped out she goes to me while shutting the light off, "hijito porque no prendes la lampara?" She didn't even give me a chance to answer to say no its ok! She was already on her way over to me to turn the freakin lamp on when her foot hit the wet spot. When it did she went "HUH?" I'm crying inside at this point. And there's a monsoon coming down my arms.
She goes back to the ceiling light and asks me why did she feel something wet. I said wet? Really? Where? (Shaking)..Aqui! Aqui! While stepping on it with her crusts. How she felt it with all that stuff down there, I have no idea. She asked me if trippy was in here. I wanted to say yes! But I couldn't. He would've gotten a beat down. And I didn't want jhen to one day find out that I blamed trippy and got hit for nothing. I did the next best thing. The only thing that came out of my mouth ..."creo yo, que fueron unos de los muchachos" I HAD TO! I couldn't blame fonz cause he wasn't there yet. My father wasn't in the room so I was stuck. I didn't think she was gonna go bananas on them but she did. I could hear her questioning the kids asking them who was the one that spilled juice in the room. I could hear Damian shouting out "what!? It wasn't me! " and then the girls followed. I quickly got up to put my plate and my glass in the kitchen sink. When mireya comes in and says under her breath "los voy a matar"....as I walk back to the room with my head down I whisper "I'm sorry guys. I love you."
Tuesday, February 7, 2012
Sutra Tuesday with Tony Toca, Junior and..
So sutra was fun last night with Jhen and Melissa. No battling signals from jhen this time....didn't wanna bust a move on someone who might've gotten served.
Before the night even started jhen and I were home. I was getting ready while jhen was taking a breather cause she worked out a lot at the gym. So tu ya sabes. La pobre estaba cansada. I wanted to wear this grey collared shirt. But jhen insisted I didn't, ONLY because "my arms were too big"...what that meant, I really don't know. Fat? Maybe. Jiggly? Definitely.
Melissa and I ended up getting to sutra first. Cause jhen was "washing her own hair" O..M..G..I have to admit, it did look silky smooth.
While we're there having a beer, I noticed something.
You know when you go to lounges and there's always someone, just one, YOU think shouldn't really be up there dancing? Well there was a case last night. 12 o'clock, White guy with a suit and white girl who really shouldn't have worn that dress...horrible! This guy looked like he was a bit confused between swing music and hip hop. MAYBE! he was creating a new dance...swing hop..HA!!!!
The later it gets, the more people start to show up. Jhen is finally here. And her friend Mike. Who aparrently likes to grope her but we'll get to that later. Melissa and I are dancing. While jhen and mike are talking...in the middle of the dance floor. Apparently Jhen thinks I'm in a mix of hip hop..and Salsa. If this is true then I'm just gonna say fuck it and dance with swing hop over there cause from the looks of it. We're both trying to create new shit.
While we're still dancing. There's this strange older woman. Like Mireya older. Who literally wanted to dance with everyone that was there. It freaked me out a bit. When I stopped dancing she was nowhere to be found. Every time I was stomping the yard, she'd either be right behind me or to my side. I'm like damn bitch...you're hitting my elbows! Move!
The dance floor started to get a bit crowded, especially with people constantly walking back and forth. So we decided to stand on the side lines. As we're there bopping our heads to the new DJ and me doing my "salsa" moves..Jhen taps me on my shoulder gesturing me to look at my phone. She texts "habla bastante"...referring to her only black friend at Sutra. When Mike walked over to the bar probably to rehydrate himself from all the talking, Jhen comes to me and says he's "very touchy..I'm about to punch him in the face" I looked over to Melissa and told her its time to go cause shit..is..about..to go down! I didn't want to be a witness. I figured Jhen wants to start some shit in a room filled with black people, I'm fuckin outta here. Last thing I need is someone choking me out with a weave. How would you explain this to my mother?
Before the night even started jhen and I were home. I was getting ready while jhen was taking a breather cause she worked out a lot at the gym. So tu ya sabes. La pobre estaba cansada. I wanted to wear this grey collared shirt. But jhen insisted I didn't, ONLY because "my arms were too big"...what that meant, I really don't know. Fat? Maybe. Jiggly? Definitely.
Melissa and I ended up getting to sutra first. Cause jhen was "washing her own hair" O..M..G..I have to admit, it did look silky smooth.
While we're there having a beer, I noticed something.
You know when you go to lounges and there's always someone, just one, YOU think shouldn't really be up there dancing? Well there was a case last night. 12 o'clock, White guy with a suit and white girl who really shouldn't have worn that dress...horrible! This guy looked like he was a bit confused between swing music and hip hop. MAYBE! he was creating a new dance...swing hop..HA!!!!
The later it gets, the more people start to show up. Jhen is finally here. And her friend Mike. Who aparrently likes to grope her but we'll get to that later. Melissa and I are dancing. While jhen and mike are talking...in the middle of the dance floor. Apparently Jhen thinks I'm in a mix of hip hop..and Salsa. If this is true then I'm just gonna say fuck it and dance with swing hop over there cause from the looks of it. We're both trying to create new shit.
While we're still dancing. There's this strange older woman. Like Mireya older. Who literally wanted to dance with everyone that was there. It freaked me out a bit. When I stopped dancing she was nowhere to be found. Every time I was stomping the yard, she'd either be right behind me or to my side. I'm like damn bitch...you're hitting my elbows! Move!
The dance floor started to get a bit crowded, especially with people constantly walking back and forth. So we decided to stand on the side lines. As we're there bopping our heads to the new DJ and me doing my "salsa" moves..Jhen taps me on my shoulder gesturing me to look at my phone. She texts "habla bastante"...referring to her only black friend at Sutra. When Mike walked over to the bar probably to rehydrate himself from all the talking, Jhen comes to me and says he's "very touchy..I'm about to punch him in the face" I looked over to Melissa and told her its time to go cause shit..is..about..to go down! I didn't want to be a witness. I figured Jhen wants to start some shit in a room filled with black people, I'm fuckin outta here. Last thing I need is someone choking me out with a weave. How would you explain this to my mother?
Thursday, January 19, 2012
Junior Back from Hiatus, Part 2
I don't even know what to write about. So many things has happened while jhen was out conquering the Asian world.
It's funny...she spent 3 years (umm… 2 years, Junior) in china and came back still speaking Spanish. I would've thought yun (YOON!), Jenkin aka uncle, or....the other...girl (can’t believe he forgot my homie, Yingsan’s name) would have taught her some things but nope. Nada.
The Chinese probably looked at her as someone who played for the WNBA. Mind you, for those who really know jhen...she's...not really that athletic. I think she used to play volleyball. Back in 19...90........SO jhen is back in the states. Living with her mom, Luis, Kenny, and myself. In a 2 1/2 bedroom apt.
She spends most...excuse me...ALL of her day in the living room/dining room. On her laptop searching for jobs. Checking out her Facebook. And Googling why Ryan gosling has a jersey accent in the movie "crazy stupid love"(Hey, I was curious and we were watching the movie!). Oh, and also drinking nothing but caffesito cause that's all Luis drinks all day long.
As most of you know, I have lived with jhen numerous times in the past. And throughout that time i have slept on the sofa. NOW that jhen is staying with US, she STILL gets a room and I'm yet again sleeping on the sofa...there are just somethings I will never understand (Hello. I am older!). One thing I did miss though is how jhen leaves a trail of her missing hair all..over..the..apt. if she were to be kidnapped...you'd know how to find her.
Mireya has become a neat freak. Something jhen hasn't witnessed first hand yet like the rest of us. Mireya is a housekeeper out in long island. She cleans. That's what housekeepers do. You come home and you relax.....not..for..Mireya. she is like a machine. A terminator..of dust and stove greese. When she Comes home From work, she lays down her bags, changes into comfortable clothes. Checks the bills and then goes off to cleaning the entire apt because to her "esta sucio ". Luis believes its menopause. Kenny locks himself in his room. And I...I...blame Kenny. No I'm kidding. I leave to my girlfriends house as quick as possible. Nobody wants to be there when she's there. Luis even pretends to sleep all day cause that's his only escape route.
And the worst part about it all is the grandchildren. Fonz's kids cause Elias can't tell yet how scary grandma is. Damian Maddy and kayden are afraid of grandma mireya. I remember Xmas eve Tracy was sitting next to Maddy. She reached over to get more food when oops she knocked over maddies drink all over the chair and the carpet. The reaction On tracy's face was priceless! You could read it too. Through the look in her eyes she was saying "I'm fuckin dead. Fonz let's get outta here before she finds out "
I look over at Maddy and she was crying! Not because her mommy knocked her drink over or because she was thirsty. No it was because grandma was gonna eat her with her crooked teeth. She knew what could've happened if grandma found out but she was lucky. They scattered off from the dining table before Mireya even scouting around. They were safe.
It's funny...she spent 3 years (umm… 2 years, Junior) in china and came back still speaking Spanish. I would've thought yun (YOON!), Jenkin aka uncle, or....the other...girl (can’t believe he forgot my homie, Yingsan’s name) would have taught her some things but nope. Nada.
The Chinese probably looked at her as someone who played for the WNBA. Mind you, for those who really know jhen...she's...not really that athletic. I think she used to play volleyball. Back in 19...90........SO jhen is back in the states. Living with her mom, Luis, Kenny, and myself. In a 2 1/2 bedroom apt.
She spends most...excuse me...ALL of her day in the living room/dining room. On her laptop searching for jobs. Checking out her Facebook. And Googling why Ryan gosling has a jersey accent in the movie "crazy stupid love"(Hey, I was curious and we were watching the movie!). Oh, and also drinking nothing but caffesito cause that's all Luis drinks all day long.
As most of you know, I have lived with jhen numerous times in the past. And throughout that time i have slept on the sofa. NOW that jhen is staying with US, she STILL gets a room and I'm yet again sleeping on the sofa...there are just somethings I will never understand (Hello. I am older!). One thing I did miss though is how jhen leaves a trail of her missing hair all..over..the..apt. if she were to be kidnapped...you'd know how to find her.
Mireya has become a neat freak. Something jhen hasn't witnessed first hand yet like the rest of us. Mireya is a housekeeper out in long island. She cleans. That's what housekeepers do. You come home and you relax.....not..for..Mireya. she is like a machine. A terminator..of dust and stove greese. When she Comes home From work, she lays down her bags, changes into comfortable clothes. Checks the bills and then goes off to cleaning the entire apt because to her "esta sucio ". Luis believes its menopause. Kenny locks himself in his room. And I...I...blame Kenny. No I'm kidding. I leave to my girlfriends house as quick as possible. Nobody wants to be there when she's there. Luis even pretends to sleep all day cause that's his only escape route.
And the worst part about it all is the grandchildren. Fonz's kids cause Elias can't tell yet how scary grandma is. Damian Maddy and kayden are afraid of grandma mireya. I remember Xmas eve Tracy was sitting next to Maddy. She reached over to get more food when oops she knocked over maddies drink all over the chair and the carpet. The reaction On tracy's face was priceless! You could read it too. Through the look in her eyes she was saying "I'm fuckin dead. Fonz let's get outta here before she finds out "
I look over at Maddy and she was crying! Not because her mommy knocked her drink over or because she was thirsty. No it was because grandma was gonna eat her with her crooked teeth. She knew what could've happened if grandma found out but she was lucky. They scattered off from the dining table before Mireya even scouting around. They were safe.
Thursday, November 11, 2010
Coming to america part 1
Editor's Note: What Junior doesn't realize is the funniest part of this post is that even though he has lived in New York City his entire life, he didn't know how to pronounce Houston Street.. Please read.
Its tuesday night and im at fonz's crib baby sitting while he went off to play softball with a team that hasn't won a game for about a month...whack!
At about 9pm jhen calls me letting me know she just landed. If you didnt know she was pretty upset that her favorite brother (alfonso) couldn't pick her up from the AirPort. If you have Facebook then you would know cause she put this Nigga on BLAST!!! (kenny's words exactly). So she "axed" what i was doing after i finished baby sitting cause she wanted me to go with her and her friend ----- (editor's note: name left out to protect anonymity) Sutra. Of course i was down. So i called up the King of call of duty: modern warfare 2 (brother Kenny) to see if he wanted to come with. He came up with some half ass excuse that he had work in the morning and that he was already tucked in (ay!!! que lindo) Truth is home boy was probably broke ass. So i went anyway.
I took the N train to 8th street following my beautiful sister's instructions. (editor's note: I didn't want to confuse him with multiple subway transfers.. trust me it would have taken him twice as long) Sutra is on 1st street and 1ave. When i got to 3rd street i got lost. I didnt know that after 3rd st it was all names. I kept walking for 15 mins thinking it was gonna pop up but it never did. Jhen text me to ask to someone so i did. Un gordito caminando por alli told me to walk back. I asked him how far, he said about 15 mins back in the other direction!....now aint that some shit. He told me to walk down and look for housE-ton turn right onto 1st AVE then turn left to 1st street....im like ok. Im walking trying to make good time cause i also had to work in the morning. Its a Little past midnight. When i get to the corner of HOUSTON (fuckin idiot told me housETon) i did what the guy said and i found Sutra.
I walk in..and it was pretty dark in there. I have never been there before so i didnt know what to expect. All i saw were either thugged out niggas or pretty boys lookinglike kanye west with a little mix of neyo to it. There was jhen and her friend ----- at the bar. I got a Beer and jhen said lets go to the back. Im over here thinking we were going to a table to chill. NOPE, we ended up standing the whole time. We were basically on the dance floor where almost everyone was bustin' a move. It felt like i was in a remake of you got served. The music was really good so i didnt complain. A lot of the songs reminded me of when fonz used to blast that shit while he worked out on his solarflex and stared at himself in the mirror. I remember when he used to rap an Inch away from my face and i would feel this burning sensation on my cheeks and forehead cause he would spit at me.
So the whole time we're on the dance floor there was a black guy there doin his thing. Now...i dont know if it was the beers i had but it seemed like he was doing the same moves over and over. ----- even got in there grinding on his mandingo to a hip hop(not even reggae) song (dont tell me no cause im sorry con excuse pero yo lo vi todo) and he was STILL doing the same moves!!!! Anyway so every time a song came on jhen was like oh!!!!! Slaps me on the arm and goes Junior who's this who's this you gotta know you gotta know!!...while she points to her ear and up to the cieling. I couldnt remember the artists but i knew most of the songs. ----- stops dancing with the americas most talented dancer, comes over to the little corner we were on and then jhen disappears! So im there looking for her. She wasn't too hard to spot either...she was in between a couple of black guys so she stood out. Another song pops up and she's was like oh!!!!..Now she's pointing at me from across the dance floor saying my name Junior!!! Pointing at her ear saying who's this while she points at the cieling and then pointing at me again saying you know you know!! Im like i dont remember!!! But in my head i was like please stop pointing at me!
It was getting late and i tried to leave but jhen didnt want me to. So i stayed a bit longer.
We ended up chilling in the middle of the dance floor when the NeXT thing i know i have jhen yelling at me saying BATTLE HIM! BATTLE HIM! YOU CAN TAKE HIM!!! She was talking about the guy that kept doing the SAME MOVES!!! which is probably why he wasn't picked in the Cast of stomp the yard. So jhen starts to shove me to get in there to Battle this guy but im like fuck outta here, i aint no channing tatum from step up what Am i gonna do! I try doing the same moves imma end up punchin or kickin someone on the face accidentally. Worst thing i could have done was pull a salsa move on this mo' fo' to afuckin Hip hop song. BOOYA!
Its tuesday night and im at fonz's crib baby sitting while he went off to play softball with a team that hasn't won a game for about a month...whack!
At about 9pm jhen calls me letting me know she just landed. If you didnt know she was pretty upset that her favorite brother (alfonso) couldn't pick her up from the AirPort. If you have Facebook then you would know cause she put this Nigga on BLAST!!! (kenny's words exactly). So she "axed" what i was doing after i finished baby sitting cause she wanted me to go with her and her friend ----- (editor's note: name left out to protect anonymity) Sutra. Of course i was down. So i called up the King of call of duty: modern warfare 2 (brother Kenny) to see if he wanted to come with. He came up with some half ass excuse that he had work in the morning and that he was already tucked in (ay!!! que lindo) Truth is home boy was probably broke ass. So i went anyway.
I took the N train to 8th street following my beautiful sister's instructions. (editor's note: I didn't want to confuse him with multiple subway transfers.. trust me it would have taken him twice as long) Sutra is on 1st street and 1ave. When i got to 3rd street i got lost. I didnt know that after 3rd st it was all names. I kept walking for 15 mins thinking it was gonna pop up but it never did. Jhen text me to ask to someone so i did. Un gordito caminando por alli told me to walk back. I asked him how far, he said about 15 mins back in the other direction!....now aint that some shit. He told me to walk down and look for housE-ton turn right onto 1st AVE then turn left to 1st street....im like ok. Im walking trying to make good time cause i also had to work in the morning. Its a Little past midnight. When i get to the corner of HOUSTON (fuckin idiot told me housETon) i did what the guy said and i found Sutra.
I walk in..and it was pretty dark in there. I have never been there before so i didnt know what to expect. All i saw were either thugged out niggas or pretty boys lookinglike kanye west with a little mix of neyo to it. There was jhen and her friend ----- at the bar. I got a Beer and jhen said lets go to the back. Im over here thinking we were going to a table to chill. NOPE, we ended up standing the whole time. We were basically on the dance floor where almost everyone was bustin' a move. It felt like i was in a remake of you got served. The music was really good so i didnt complain. A lot of the songs reminded me of when fonz used to blast that shit while he worked out on his solarflex and stared at himself in the mirror. I remember when he used to rap an Inch away from my face and i would feel this burning sensation on my cheeks and forehead cause he would spit at me.
So the whole time we're on the dance floor there was a black guy there doin his thing. Now...i dont know if it was the beers i had but it seemed like he was doing the same moves over and over. ----- even got in there grinding on his mandingo to a hip hop(not even reggae) song (dont tell me no cause im sorry con excuse pero yo lo vi todo) and he was STILL doing the same moves!!!! Anyway so every time a song came on jhen was like oh!!!!! Slaps me on the arm and goes Junior who's this who's this you gotta know you gotta know!!...while she points to her ear and up to the cieling. I couldnt remember the artists but i knew most of the songs. ----- stops dancing with the americas most talented dancer, comes over to the little corner we were on and then jhen disappears! So im there looking for her. She wasn't too hard to spot either...she was in between a couple of black guys so she stood out. Another song pops up and she's was like oh!!!!..Now she's pointing at me from across the dance floor saying my name Junior!!! Pointing at her ear saying who's this while she points at the cieling and then pointing at me again saying you know you know!! Im like i dont remember!!! But in my head i was like please stop pointing at me!
It was getting late and i tried to leave but jhen didnt want me to. So i stayed a bit longer.
We ended up chilling in the middle of the dance floor when the NeXT thing i know i have jhen yelling at me saying BATTLE HIM! BATTLE HIM! YOU CAN TAKE HIM!!! She was talking about the guy that kept doing the SAME MOVES!!! which is probably why he wasn't picked in the Cast of stomp the yard. So jhen starts to shove me to get in there to Battle this guy but im like fuck outta here, i aint no channing tatum from step up what Am i gonna do! I try doing the same moves imma end up punchin or kickin someone on the face accidentally. Worst thing i could have done was pull a salsa move on this mo' fo' to afuckin Hip hop song. BOOYA!
Thursday, September 16, 2010
I love my sister part 2
So deciding where to continue, jhen has told me to tell all of you about the hersheys kiss story (FUCKEN LIE. THAT IS NOT WHAT I SAID. GET IT RIGHT, JUNIOR).I was 5 yrs old and was going to kindergarden. Jhen will always describe my childhood as being obnoxious (HE WAS OBNOXIOUS AS HELL). I honestly don't think i was every time i look back at the wonderful times i had with jhen before she moved from 31-14 steinway street (WE DIDN'T HAVE ANY GOOD TIMES WHEN I LIVED AT HOME). And those sleepless nights she had on the sofa when lesean thomas didn't bring his black ass over to the hallway.(I SLEPT ON THE DAMNED COUCHED FOR 2 YEARS).
Anyways, in school, i was pretty much just bad at everything...especially MATH. Jhen took it upon herself to teach me with hersheys kiss' (BIG MISTAKE. WASTE OF TIME). So we would go to the living room. As i walk to the sofa where i used to plant all my boogers..mind you till this day no one has ever known (DISGUSTING. I HONESTLY DIDN'T KNOW). I'm thinking to myself what will happen to me if I get the answer wrong? i used to be so afraid of jhen (PLEASE. YOU STILL ARE)..there were times when she used to pop up in my nightmares. Of course she wasn't the one saving me(I WOULD BE THE FIRST ONE TRYING TO SAVE YOU, UNGRATEFUL MOFO). She would team up with the evil in my head (EVIL= MIREYA, NOT JHEN). She came at me with her knife fingered tip glove (I WOULDN'T HAVE RUINED MY 1992- ACRYLIC NAILS ON YOUR CAN'T-ADD-ASS). Her long black hair that slightly covered face. And every time she laughed and i saw those piercing braces..i was like DAMN she's gonna bite my freakin face off (LOL! OK THIS IS FUNNY). So jhen pulls out this delicious looking bag of hershey's kiss' out of the fridge (THAT BAG WAS WHAT YOUR MOTHER FED YOU ON A DAILY BASIS ALONG WITH KITKAT BARS AND BOTTLES OF PEPSI), brings it over to the coffee table, reaches in and grabs a hand full. Didn't take long for my hands to sweat and my mouth to water. The second jhen sat down..math class has begun. (YEAH AND YOU FAILED EVERY TIME)
I was so nervous i didnt know if i should raise my hand to tell her i had to pee or just hold it..so i held it (WEAK ASS). Jhen licks her lips..sucks her teeth and says "ok, ready?" i said yes but what i really meant was fuck no (OF COURSE YOU WEREN'T). She then lines up 5 kiss' on the table (omg so delicious) and asks me.."yunior, if i were to take 3 of these kiss' away, how many would you have left?" SO I REACTED WITHOUT EVEN THINKING..i reached over and grabbed one slowly analyzing it and from the corner of my eye i noticed that jhen looked away. I AUTOMATICALLY started unwrapping this delicious kiss like i was fuckin charlie in the willy wonka factory looking for that god forsaken golden ticket..i put the kiss in my mouth before jhen turned and saw me. She then looks at the table and noticed one was missing. She looks at me, i look at her at those blazing eyes and little did i know there was a karate chop coming straight for me towards the back of my neck..it hits me, i yell OUCH!!!! the kiss goes fuckin FLYING OUT OF MY MOUTH, lands on the floor and i started to cry. From then on i hated jhen's math class 101. (JUNIOR= REPEATING STUDENT).
Anyways, in school, i was pretty much just bad at everything...especially MATH. Jhen took it upon herself to teach me with hersheys kiss' (BIG MISTAKE. WASTE OF TIME). So we would go to the living room. As i walk to the sofa where i used to plant all my boogers..mind you till this day no one has ever known (DISGUSTING. I HONESTLY DIDN'T KNOW). I'm thinking to myself what will happen to me if I get the answer wrong? i used to be so afraid of jhen (PLEASE. YOU STILL ARE)..there were times when she used to pop up in my nightmares. Of course she wasn't the one saving me(I WOULD BE THE FIRST ONE TRYING TO SAVE YOU, UNGRATEFUL MOFO). She would team up with the evil in my head (EVIL= MIREYA, NOT JHEN). She came at me with her knife fingered tip glove (I WOULDN'T HAVE RUINED MY 1992- ACRYLIC NAILS ON YOUR CAN'T-ADD-ASS). Her long black hair that slightly covered face. And every time she laughed and i saw those piercing braces..i was like DAMN she's gonna bite my freakin face off (LOL! OK THIS IS FUNNY). So jhen pulls out this delicious looking bag of hershey's kiss' out of the fridge (THAT BAG WAS WHAT YOUR MOTHER FED YOU ON A DAILY BASIS ALONG WITH KITKAT BARS AND BOTTLES OF PEPSI), brings it over to the coffee table, reaches in and grabs a hand full. Didn't take long for my hands to sweat and my mouth to water. The second jhen sat down..math class has begun. (YEAH AND YOU FAILED EVERY TIME)
I was so nervous i didnt know if i should raise my hand to tell her i had to pee or just hold it..so i held it (WEAK ASS). Jhen licks her lips..sucks her teeth and says "ok, ready?" i said yes but what i really meant was fuck no (OF COURSE YOU WEREN'T). She then lines up 5 kiss' on the table (omg so delicious) and asks me.."yunior, if i were to take 3 of these kiss' away, how many would you have left?" SO I REACTED WITHOUT EVEN THINKING..i reached over and grabbed one slowly analyzing it and from the corner of my eye i noticed that jhen looked away. I AUTOMATICALLY started unwrapping this delicious kiss like i was fuckin charlie in the willy wonka factory looking for that god forsaken golden ticket..i put the kiss in my mouth before jhen turned and saw me. She then looks at the table and noticed one was missing. She looks at me, i look at her at those blazing eyes and little did i know there was a karate chop coming straight for me towards the back of my neck..it hits me, i yell OUCH!!!! the kiss goes fuckin FLYING OUT OF MY MOUTH, lands on the floor and i started to cry. From then on i hated jhen's math class 101. (JUNIOR= REPEATING STUDENT).
Wednesday, September 8, 2010
Back from Hiatus...
....feels a little strange to come back to this after so long. I dont even know where to stArt.Lets try starting with my lovely sister. Of course everyone that Gets to know her loves her...i know i do. But do you all really "know" her?..i Dont think so. Im gonna go back As far as i can remember.
First of all my father used to own this white grand prix. Small freakin thing. Way before he bought his beaner van. I used to hate getting in this car cause even though i was small, for some reason i always got squished. Those of you who arent latino probably dont know. But when you have a 2 door car you tend to fit as many people in it as if it were a party bus. Of course everytime we went some where, jhen sat NeXT to me...i know she didnt want to. She's not gonna admit to it which is why i'm telling this story and not her. I was 4 or 5. Whenever that car turned one way my whole body ended up leaning against her arm. And what Does she do? She snaps her arm out PUSHING me to the other side of the car, Im fuckin 4 yrs old. My body FLIES across the back Seat of this thing. People driving behind us were probably thinking i was flying around in there like baby superman. Oh sure but when it's the other way around, when she ends up leaning on me. All i could do was take the 140 lbs pounds that was pushed against me. It just wasn't fair. When we ended up on the highway...jhen loved to Open the window. Have that breeze hit her hair. Ooofa!! Not like now where if its too windy she has to wear a hat. OMG my hair! Ay mi pelo. Im still sitting NeXT to her and little does she know that her hair is whipping me in the face. I cant say shit or else she was gonna snuff me. Let alone everytime i opened my mouth just to say mommy, her hair would find its way into my mouth and choke me.
A few years later "the craft" Came out. I swore to myself back then that jhen was part of that group. All she wore was black. Thick black hair. Black eyeliner. Red lipstick..sometimes. Usually only when she went out with a black guy....her favorite ha!!!!!OMG!!! the baths. How could i forget the baths. I used to CRY when i heard my mother yell "jhenny! Dale un banito a Junior!" it was complete torture....i know she didnt want to. Especially having to Wash my culito, Oh man i knew she was furious. I could feel her blood boiling through her hands. The soap would melt if she held it for too long. Oh man and the drying? What a disaster. Lets just say thank the lord JESUS she didnt dry me off with a blow drier. I would Have had 1st degree burns all over. Por todos lados!!!!! She used to dry me off with the towel. Plant it on my head, while it covered my face. So i wont be able to see a damn thing while she yanked my hair off of my scalp. I dont think i have Ever experienced anything more painful than that. I love you jhenny!! Tamales!!
First of all my father used to own this white grand prix. Small freakin thing. Way before he bought his beaner van. I used to hate getting in this car cause even though i was small, for some reason i always got squished. Those of you who arent latino probably dont know. But when you have a 2 door car you tend to fit as many people in it as if it were a party bus. Of course everytime we went some where, jhen sat NeXT to me...i know she didnt want to. She's not gonna admit to it which is why i'm telling this story and not her. I was 4 or 5. Whenever that car turned one way my whole body ended up leaning against her arm. And what Does she do? She snaps her arm out PUSHING me to the other side of the car, Im fuckin 4 yrs old. My body FLIES across the back Seat of this thing. People driving behind us were probably thinking i was flying around in there like baby superman. Oh sure but when it's the other way around, when she ends up leaning on me. All i could do was take the 140 lbs pounds that was pushed against me. It just wasn't fair. When we ended up on the highway...jhen loved to Open the window. Have that breeze hit her hair. Ooofa!! Not like now where if its too windy she has to wear a hat. OMG my hair! Ay mi pelo. Im still sitting NeXT to her and little does she know that her hair is whipping me in the face. I cant say shit or else she was gonna snuff me. Let alone everytime i opened my mouth just to say mommy, her hair would find its way into my mouth and choke me.
A few years later "the craft" Came out. I swore to myself back then that jhen was part of that group. All she wore was black. Thick black hair. Black eyeliner. Red lipstick..sometimes. Usually only when she went out with a black guy....her favorite ha!!!!!OMG!!! the baths. How could i forget the baths. I used to CRY when i heard my mother yell "jhenny! Dale un banito a Junior!" it was complete torture....i know she didnt want to. Especially having to Wash my culito, Oh man i knew she was furious. I could feel her blood boiling through her hands. The soap would melt if she held it for too long. Oh man and the drying? What a disaster. Lets just say thank the lord JESUS she didnt dry me off with a blow drier. I would Have had 1st degree burns all over. Por todos lados!!!!! She used to dry me off with the towel. Plant it on my head, while it covered my face. So i wont be able to see a damn thing while she yanked my hair off of my scalp. I dont think i have Ever experienced anything more painful than that. I love you jhenny!! Tamales!!
Saturday, September 12, 2009
Birthday Planning
JR: So what's up? How's work?
Jhen: Work is ok, thanks.
I was just talking to Mom... Sunday (shocking) is when she would like to celebrate with you (us). Is there anything you would like in particular?
Do you want to eat at her place or go out? I spoke to Fonz, he is going to both (Friday and Sunday).
Also, I was online with Gladys the other night, she has plans on Friday night and is working a double on Saturday but she doesn't have to be at work on Sunday until 5pm, so I invited her to have brunch with us. I told her about the videos... she wants to see them, so maybe we can all go to Mom's after. That is assuming you and I are having brunch on Sunday. Let me know.
So what do you want to do? Eat at Mom's? Go out somewhere?
Also, do you want to invite Kenny?
If we eat at Mom's is there something specific you want to eat? Of course you can have this conversation with her..LOL
JR: Coño chica, how long did u speak with her lol. I guess we can just eat in. Save everyone a lot of money. Gladys should definitely come through and watch the videos lol. Kenny should come too.
About the food, idk how does white rice black beans the plantains juan makes with the cheese inside. How do u feel about mashed potatoes? Havnt had that in a while. And choice of meat idk. Some of that pasta juan makes also. Oh and some guacamole. Mmmmmmmmmm.
Yes Sunday is good for brunch.
I'm in.
Jhen: For meat maybe we can do fried steak. Haven't seen that in a while either.
What do you think? Then we can give mom the menu.
Are you going to be ok staying up til late Sunday afternoon? Fonz isn't going to get there until at least 4.
JR: True LOL. La cocina de hoy.
Please I'm so used to not sleepin. I hate wasting my weekends. Plus with everyone there I'll be up lol
Jhen: Wait so--- fried steak? Or something else?
I will invite Kenny to Mom's. Gladys can go with us to breakfast because she has to go to work. What time should I tell her? 10?
JR: Yea 10 and yes fried steak.
Jhen: Ok. done. I spoke with her (mom).
She has the menu and wrote it down, or at least she made it seem like she was writing it down.
So 4pm for dinner but I told her you, Gladys and I will come by after breakfast. She said fine, but we have to stay in the living room. (as if anyone wants to be in that hot a#$ kitchen). I told her fine, because we are going to watch videos.
Also. I am going to invite Kenny to mom's. Should I tell him to meet us there? Or should he go to breakfast? I am not paying for his a#$.
PS I know you don't like cake... but.. if you had a choice of dessert what would it be? For the pictures
JR: Whoa whoa whoa....no pictures sister Erazo. How does cheese cake sound? Cheese cake with some coffee, mmmmmm
U got me laughing. "hot ass kitchen" "kenny's broke ass"
Just invite him to ma's cuz he won't have any money. Cuz ballas don't carry cash, they carry change!!!! Booyakasha!
Jhen: Work is ok, thanks.
I was just talking to Mom... Sunday (shocking) is when she would like to celebrate with you (us). Is there anything you would like in particular?
Do you want to eat at her place or go out? I spoke to Fonz, he is going to both (Friday and Sunday).
Also, I was online with Gladys the other night, she has plans on Friday night and is working a double on Saturday but she doesn't have to be at work on Sunday until 5pm, so I invited her to have brunch with us. I told her about the videos... she wants to see them, so maybe we can all go to Mom's after. That is assuming you and I are having brunch on Sunday. Let me know.
So what do you want to do? Eat at Mom's? Go out somewhere?
Also, do you want to invite Kenny?
If we eat at Mom's is there something specific you want to eat? Of course you can have this conversation with her..LOL
JR: Coño chica, how long did u speak with her lol. I guess we can just eat in. Save everyone a lot of money. Gladys should definitely come through and watch the videos lol. Kenny should come too.
About the food, idk how does white rice black beans the plantains juan makes with the cheese inside. How do u feel about mashed potatoes? Havnt had that in a while. And choice of meat idk. Some of that pasta juan makes also. Oh and some guacamole. Mmmmmmmmmm.
Yes Sunday is good for brunch.
I'm in.
Jhen: For meat maybe we can do fried steak. Haven't seen that in a while either.
What do you think? Then we can give mom the menu.
Are you going to be ok staying up til late Sunday afternoon? Fonz isn't going to get there until at least 4.
JR: True LOL. La cocina de hoy.
Please I'm so used to not sleepin. I hate wasting my weekends. Plus with everyone there I'll be up lol
Jhen: Wait so--- fried steak? Or something else?
I will invite Kenny to Mom's. Gladys can go with us to breakfast because she has to go to work. What time should I tell her? 10?
JR: Yea 10 and yes fried steak.
Jhen: Ok. done. I spoke with her (mom).
She has the menu and wrote it down, or at least she made it seem like she was writing it down.
So 4pm for dinner but I told her you, Gladys and I will come by after breakfast. She said fine, but we have to stay in the living room. (as if anyone wants to be in that hot a#$ kitchen). I told her fine, because we are going to watch videos.
Also. I am going to invite Kenny to mom's. Should I tell him to meet us there? Or should he go to breakfast? I am not paying for his a#$.
PS I know you don't like cake... but.. if you had a choice of dessert what would it be? For the pictures
JR: Whoa whoa whoa....no pictures sister Erazo. How does cheese cake sound? Cheese cake with some coffee, mmmmmm
U got me laughing. "hot ass kitchen" "kenny's broke ass"
Just invite him to ma's cuz he won't have any money. Cuz ballas don't carry cash, they carry change!!!! Booyakasha!
Monday, August 3, 2009
Sunday, July 26, 2009
Junior on Hiatus- part 3
Mireya told me today I should get a nose job.... para que me vea mas bonita.
Damn it, Junior. Write something already.
Damn it, Junior. Write something already.
Thursday, July 23, 2009
Junior on hiatus... part 2
The following is actually a guest blog by my dear friend, Jessica, who is equally, if not funnier (yes, I said it), than Junior.
This is a compilation of emails that were sent during her call in for jury duty this past May. By the way, she doesn’t know she is guest blogging.
Glad I keep all important emails in reserve for just this type of situation…
I'm sitting in effing jury duty and man, are there some crazy cats here. I got called for a panel at 10 yesterday and was in voie dire until 4:00!! There were only 6 of us in the room being questioned by 8 lawyers. Some of the other people on the panel consisted of Slow Talker, the 25-year-old doofus who could barely put a sentence together, Really Old Eccentric Guy, who was 104 and answered every question with a soliloquy and Plastic Surgery Woman, who, when asked how she looked so good for her age by another juror, gave some bullsh!t answer about healthy living but never once mentioned her surgeon.
Today we have Screechy Skinny Boy with Purse, Terribly Hip Guy With Plaid Shirt and Leather Tie and 142-year-old Woman With Three Teeth. Screechy is stomping his cute little wellie-covered feet in protest against being here while trying not to bump into walls because he's too fabulous to take his sunglasses off inside. Hip is lounging around playing with his iPhone and being unshowered. Old Women is toothlessly telling me about her 9 "babies", some of whom have babies themselves. From what I've been able to understand one of the babies has a baby "in her belly." This place needs its own reality show.
Seriously - if you could see and hear the freaks in this joint. I think the best way to keep people from committing crimes would be to let them see the retards who could potentially make up the "jury of their peers". I'm not even going to freaking jaywalk any more! The panel I was on yesterday revealed some real rocket scientists. Slow Talker was asked (in regard to the case we were being presented, where a man was seriously and permanently injured in an auto accident) if he had ever sustained a traumatic injury. Ten minutes later (because that's how long it took homeboy's synapses to fire), he answers "well, I, like, broke my pinky once playing football . . ." I almost fell of my chair with laughter. On our questionnaire they asked about our job history and specifically if we had ever worked in the medical field. Old Eccentric Guy apparently just lied altogether because when asked about his career in the medical field they finally got him to admit that he just had aspirations of being a nurse when he was growing up during the Civil War or whatever. Screechy won't sit in the chair I just offered him because it looks dirty to him. I think he's practicing his walk for Fashion Week out in the hallway right now. That or he's just trying to break in his rain boots that he bought in the Junior's department at Macy's. I just overheard a conversation between two of Our People who are going to try to pretend they don't speak English to get out of jury duty. My favorite moment from yesterday was when Slow Talker said to an African man in traditional dress: "Hey, man. I like your outfit."
You can't make this shit up.
This is a compilation of emails that were sent during her call in for jury duty this past May. By the way, she doesn’t know she is guest blogging.
Glad I keep all important emails in reserve for just this type of situation…
I'm sitting in effing jury duty and man, are there some crazy cats here. I got called for a panel at 10 yesterday and was in voie dire until 4:00!! There were only 6 of us in the room being questioned by 8 lawyers. Some of the other people on the panel consisted of Slow Talker, the 25-year-old doofus who could barely put a sentence together, Really Old Eccentric Guy, who was 104 and answered every question with a soliloquy and Plastic Surgery Woman, who, when asked how she looked so good for her age by another juror, gave some bullsh!t answer about healthy living but never once mentioned her surgeon.
Today we have Screechy Skinny Boy with Purse, Terribly Hip Guy With Plaid Shirt and Leather Tie and 142-year-old Woman With Three Teeth. Screechy is stomping his cute little wellie-covered feet in protest against being here while trying not to bump into walls because he's too fabulous to take his sunglasses off inside. Hip is lounging around playing with his iPhone and being unshowered. Old Women is toothlessly telling me about her 9 "babies", some of whom have babies themselves. From what I've been able to understand one of the babies has a baby "in her belly." This place needs its own reality show.
Seriously - if you could see and hear the freaks in this joint. I think the best way to keep people from committing crimes would be to let them see the retards who could potentially make up the "jury of their peers". I'm not even going to freaking jaywalk any more! The panel I was on yesterday revealed some real rocket scientists. Slow Talker was asked (in regard to the case we were being presented, where a man was seriously and permanently injured in an auto accident) if he had ever sustained a traumatic injury. Ten minutes later (because that's how long it took homeboy's synapses to fire), he answers "well, I, like, broke my pinky once playing football . . ." I almost fell of my chair with laughter. On our questionnaire they asked about our job history and specifically if we had ever worked in the medical field. Old Eccentric Guy apparently just lied altogether because when asked about his career in the medical field they finally got him to admit that he just had aspirations of being a nurse when he was growing up during the Civil War or whatever. Screechy won't sit in the chair I just offered him because it looks dirty to him. I think he's practicing his walk for Fashion Week out in the hallway right now. That or he's just trying to break in his rain boots that he bought in the Junior's department at Macy's. I just overheard a conversation between two of Our People who are going to try to pretend they don't speak English to get out of jury duty. My favorite moment from yesterday was when Slow Talker said to an African man in traditional dress: "Hey, man. I like your outfit."
You can't make this shit up.
Monday, July 20, 2009
My Turn
Junior is on some kind of sabbatical- something about "writer's block" (read: lazy ass)- which means I have to fill. Sorry everyone.
Last night we all had the pleasure of going to my mom's for a (only slightly) belated birthday situation.
Two weeks late, to be exact. By all accounts, in terms of Latin People Time, she was probably early.
My mom likes to punish us for having the audacity to go on vacation on our birthdays(or any major holiday) and not spending it with her. (read: enjoying ourselves without her).
Even though I was home the following weekend, at which time I thought we would gather and celebrate together as a family, she decided it was more important to spend the day at the beach.
Anyway, not that I am ungrateful.
I love having a birthday cake which has my name spelled incorrectly.
Saturday, July 11, 2009
(back to florida recap) Day 3 part 2-disney
We're finally here. It was bad enough I had to sit in the car wanting to kill myself. So we park the car, and I get out, now I can't even stand up straight cause my ass is completely numb. The weather was scorching. It must of been at most 95-98 degrees. Caitlin and I put on this crazy amount of neutrogena sunblock before we headed to the bus stop that takes us to the monorail then to the park.
As we're waiting for the bus I look and I can't even imagine the amount of people that are here. This shit reminds of home. Between 69th and 74th street on Roosevelt, you know where juan's brothers, cousins, and friends all chill with their cups of coffee and deli style sandwiches waiting for the beaner van to roll up then start goin crazy trying to get in like there's a million dollars hidden inside the van to take just a few, not all of em, a few back to their destination. While the other ones angrily scream COÑO MENG, ORALE WAY YO ESTABA AQUI DESDE AYER WAY, NO ME HAGA ESO POR FAVOR, YO PINTO MEJOR QUEL OTRO.
The bus finally comes and everybody goes bananas to climb on this thing like there isn't another one coming like seriously cmon now niggas calm down. When we get to the park first thing I wanted to do was strip. There was not one fucking shade in sight. My pits were soaked and fuckin kickin' but not so bad where you can smell em without lifting up your arms. I bet a lot of you know wat I'm talking about. My shirt is drenched and sticken to my back. My ass is mad sweaty and I have this massive wedgy all up in my crack and I can't even pick it cause of all these people. And I know they don't know I have one cause sometimes depending what you have on you can tell. It's like you see someone with this nasty ass wedgy in front of you and in your head your like wow you really need to pick that shit pronto...cmon now motivate, MOTIVATE. So I'm scouting to see who's looking in my direction when I see that no one is and so I go in for the pick. But think about it, there's always that one person that catches you. Now like I told you I had a massive fuckin wedgy so it's not like its one easy pick and your good to go, no, I really had to dig into this bitch and like yank it out. So I did and what a relief. As I look around to see if anyone caught me taking the fuckin leach that was eating my culito, I spotted this guy that was looking at me with disgust. You know when someone is staring at you then when you look at em they just suddenly look in another direction, well that's wat this guy did. Like c’mon bro I just caught you lookin where you goin where you goin. And it's not like we were somewhere else where I didn't have to worry about seeing him again, no we were in fuckin Disney. I saw this guy everywhere I went. It came to a point where I was given this guy a waddup every time I saw him.
So now caitlin decides to start it off with a water ride cool us down cause she was also sweatin buckets. Her back was sweaty, her forehead glistening in the sun, and her little mustache that was empapado de sudor. Well it was a good idea about starting off with a water ride but this line was maaad fuckin long. I think we waited for about an hour. Every time we moved up it was like a foot every 5 minutes. So we get on the ride. It's turning here, turning there, now we're goin up the ramp to make a drop and people are screaming. I'm like wat the hell are you screaming for, shit ain't even doin nothing yet. So this one lady towards the back screams OMG!!! I'M GONNA DIE!!! As we're dropping, in my head I'm like OMG!!! I HOPE THE BAR THATS NOT EVEN REALLY SECURE BREAKS AND YOU FALL IN THE WATER!!!! It's like Mireya screaming in one of those rides HAY!!!! HAHA!!!!! ME VOY A MORIR!!!!!!! HAYYY JUNIOR AGARRAME LA MANO!!!
so caitlin and i are nice and cool. we decide to smoke a stogey but the only problem is we cant just smoke any where we want. we had to look for the smokers area. so we look in the map and theres these blue squares scattered around the whole park. so when we find one we get in the blue line and now we're in the box, the "smokers area", fuckin disney has to isolate us like we're carrying a disease. we're smoking away and as im finishing my soda walking towards the garbage there’s this little boy that’s in front it picking his nose. now this little fucker is like all up in his shit. like he's trying to pick his brains. so i didnt want to get near him incase he tried to sneak it on me so i let him finish but what i didnt think was that he was gonna put it on the garbage pale. these arent the ones that are wide open from the top. you have to slide the door in and and dump your shit. so this little son of bitch with the fuckin booger had to put it on the door. and this was a loooong sucker im talkin like there was no way around it for me to dump the bottle. so im fuckin staring at this nasty ass green booger that slimed his way in my direction and i said fuck it i aint touchin that. the next garbage pale was like another mile away i might as well just wait hopefully the little shit doesn't end up over there pickin the other side of his nose.
As we're waiting for the bus I look and I can't even imagine the amount of people that are here. This shit reminds of home. Between 69th and 74th street on Roosevelt, you know where juan's brothers, cousins, and friends all chill with their cups of coffee and deli style sandwiches waiting for the beaner van to roll up then start goin crazy trying to get in like there's a million dollars hidden inside the van to take just a few, not all of em, a few back to their destination. While the other ones angrily scream COÑO MENG, ORALE WAY YO ESTABA AQUI DESDE AYER WAY, NO ME HAGA ESO POR FAVOR, YO PINTO MEJOR QUEL OTRO.
The bus finally comes and everybody goes bananas to climb on this thing like there isn't another one coming like seriously cmon now niggas calm down. When we get to the park first thing I wanted to do was strip. There was not one fucking shade in sight. My pits were soaked and fuckin kickin' but not so bad where you can smell em without lifting up your arms. I bet a lot of you know wat I'm talking about. My shirt is drenched and sticken to my back. My ass is mad sweaty and I have this massive wedgy all up in my crack and I can't even pick it cause of all these people. And I know they don't know I have one cause sometimes depending what you have on you can tell. It's like you see someone with this nasty ass wedgy in front of you and in your head your like wow you really need to pick that shit pronto...cmon now motivate, MOTIVATE. So I'm scouting to see who's looking in my direction when I see that no one is and so I go in for the pick. But think about it, there's always that one person that catches you. Now like I told you I had a massive fuckin wedgy so it's not like its one easy pick and your good to go, no, I really had to dig into this bitch and like yank it out. So I did and what a relief. As I look around to see if anyone caught me taking the fuckin leach that was eating my culito, I spotted this guy that was looking at me with disgust. You know when someone is staring at you then when you look at em they just suddenly look in another direction, well that's wat this guy did. Like c’mon bro I just caught you lookin where you goin where you goin. And it's not like we were somewhere else where I didn't have to worry about seeing him again, no we were in fuckin Disney. I saw this guy everywhere I went. It came to a point where I was given this guy a waddup every time I saw him.
So now caitlin decides to start it off with a water ride cool us down cause she was also sweatin buckets. Her back was sweaty, her forehead glistening in the sun, and her little mustache that was empapado de sudor. Well it was a good idea about starting off with a water ride but this line was maaad fuckin long. I think we waited for about an hour. Every time we moved up it was like a foot every 5 minutes. So we get on the ride. It's turning here, turning there, now we're goin up the ramp to make a drop and people are screaming. I'm like wat the hell are you screaming for, shit ain't even doin nothing yet. So this one lady towards the back screams OMG!!! I'M GONNA DIE!!! As we're dropping, in my head I'm like OMG!!! I HOPE THE BAR THATS NOT EVEN REALLY SECURE BREAKS AND YOU FALL IN THE WATER!!!! It's like Mireya screaming in one of those rides HAY!!!! HAHA!!!!! ME VOY A MORIR!!!!!!! HAYYY JUNIOR AGARRAME LA MANO!!!
so caitlin and i are nice and cool. we decide to smoke a stogey but the only problem is we cant just smoke any where we want. we had to look for the smokers area. so we look in the map and theres these blue squares scattered around the whole park. so when we find one we get in the blue line and now we're in the box, the "smokers area", fuckin disney has to isolate us like we're carrying a disease. we're smoking away and as im finishing my soda walking towards the garbage there’s this little boy that’s in front it picking his nose. now this little fucker is like all up in his shit. like he's trying to pick his brains. so i didnt want to get near him incase he tried to sneak it on me so i let him finish but what i didnt think was that he was gonna put it on the garbage pale. these arent the ones that are wide open from the top. you have to slide the door in and and dump your shit. so this little son of bitch with the fuckin booger had to put it on the door. and this was a loooong sucker im talkin like there was no way around it for me to dump the bottle. so im fuckin staring at this nasty ass green booger that slimed his way in my direction and i said fuck it i aint touchin that. the next garbage pale was like another mile away i might as well just wait hopefully the little shit doesn't end up over there pickin the other side of his nose.
Thursday, July 9, 2009
Oh..my loving family (JUNIOR NEEDED A BREAK FROM TAMPA TO REMINISCE)
Let me start off by saying I love them all. Mireya- wonderful woman...sometimes. There was a time when she was a germaphobe. This lady hated it when someone drank from her glass or used her utensils to try something off her plate. I remember a few times I would run into the kitchen and ask if the food was ready and at the same time there would be a glass of coca-cola just sitting there helplessly waiting to be grabbed. As I'm staring at it, it talks to me-"agarrame" "tomate un tragito" I'm like 4yrs old what do you think I was gonna do. So as I'm sipping away Mireya turns around and quickly says "hay nonononono sirvame otro, yo no quiero esa ya".
At the time it didn't bother me cause I didn't understand but when I think about it now it's like fuckin bitch treated us like aliens. If I was older then, I would of said check it bitch, look at your I.d. Does it say resident? Fuck no it don't, it says A L I E N. YOU E.T. You don't drink out of my cup.
There were times when I would be chilling in the room watching tv when suddenly Mireya walks in. "hay que calor" "que calorrr" and then starts to strip. I honestly don't know how many mothers do this in front of their 4yr olds but cut the shit. It ain't fuckin healthy for us. Worse part about it was when she would strip then suddenly catch a cramp on her hip and then having to watch her stretch. Fuckin saggy ass titis all up in the way, hairy and long ass bush that looked like she hadn't shaved since she found out she was pregnant with fonz.
This wasn't a once in a blue thing. This was a daily routine of my life then. I remember when it was time to go to bed. I would pray to sleep in my room on the top bunk while fonz slept in the bottom...never happened. I remember the call "junior, ya venga" "a dormir" i would be in the room watching tv with fonz when Mireya would give me the call. I would just pretend I didn't hear her even though her voice is like a police siren.. She would keep yelling "juniorrrrrrrr" "venga ahoraaaaaaa", when I look at fonz, he's looking at me and all he says was you better go kid before she comes in here and carries your ass over there. Sometimes he would say hurry up pretend your sleeping pretend your sleeping. So it's not like I was unable to hear her coming as she clapped her way to the room with her chankletas and grabbed me. Brings me to the room, lays me down right smack in the between her and my pops so I wouldn't escape. When I was in the middle it was almost impossible to get out. I would actually wait till they competed in a snoring competition. When both were really loud I knew it was my chance. But I was in the middle so I needed a plan still cause any sudden movements she would wake up, so I faked having to take a piss. I would be in the bathroom fill up a cup with water and just pour it in the toilet so it'll sound like I was going. I would flush, then walk in the room but not climb back in. Now you see I didn't go straight to fonz' room cuz I knew Mireya was expecting me to come back. So I shook the foot of the bed to give the illusion that I was climbing back on. And that's when I would make my exit.
As I got a little bigger I really didn't fit in the middle anymore now I would sleep at the edge. But I hated it. I always wanted to sleep in my bed. So since I was the edge it was easier to escape cuz I would just roll off and she wouldn't notice. As I RAN FOR MY LIFE to fonz' room I Would climb up to my bed and sleep. Minutes later I start to hear clapping coming towards the room and it was Mireya coming to take her slave back to the cage. As much as I liked to sleep at the edge of the bed cuz it was easier to leave, there was always a catch.
This one time...I was 5yrs old, and I remember I was knocked out till Mireya woke me up but just by checking to see if I was asleep. I felt her move me cause I had my back towards her but I didn't open my eyes. I hear her whisper "junior" "junior" "estas despierto" but I didn't want to respond cause I didn't want her to know I was awake waiting for her to fall asleep. SUDDENLY OUT OF NOWHERE THE BED STARTS SHAKING, MY BODY STARTS FUCKIN JUMPING UP AND DOWN, LIKES THERES A FUCKIN EARTHQUAKE GOIN ON ONLY IN THE ROOM. When I look over to see my mother was on top of my father underneath the sheets with her hands by his neck just fuckin hoppin up and down up and down, oh my god I was so scared I didn't know what was happening, I didn't know if she was trying to kill him, choke him, or wat but I think he was fighting for his life cuz I know I heard grunts I know I did, but I knew there was nothing I could do so ran out of there saving my own life. I ran into the living room hiding in a corner rolled up like a ball hoping Mireya won't find me. All I could think about was oh my god she probably got to fonz before I could warn him about her rampage......but then she found me. I couldn't even look at her, my body shaking as she gets closer. She drops to her knees and says "que paso mijito?" and I told her "tu estabas matando a papi en la cama" and she says "como?" "hahaha, yo no le mate, estábamos jugando el salte del tigere".
At the time it didn't bother me cause I didn't understand but when I think about it now it's like fuckin bitch treated us like aliens. If I was older then, I would of said check it bitch, look at your I.d. Does it say resident? Fuck no it don't, it says A L I E N. YOU E.T. You don't drink out of my cup.
There were times when I would be chilling in the room watching tv when suddenly Mireya walks in. "hay que calor" "que calorrr" and then starts to strip. I honestly don't know how many mothers do this in front of their 4yr olds but cut the shit. It ain't fuckin healthy for us. Worse part about it was when she would strip then suddenly catch a cramp on her hip and then having to watch her stretch. Fuckin saggy ass titis all up in the way, hairy and long ass bush that looked like she hadn't shaved since she found out she was pregnant with fonz.
This wasn't a once in a blue thing. This was a daily routine of my life then. I remember when it was time to go to bed. I would pray to sleep in my room on the top bunk while fonz slept in the bottom...never happened. I remember the call "junior, ya venga" "a dormir" i would be in the room watching tv with fonz when Mireya would give me the call. I would just pretend I didn't hear her even though her voice is like a police siren.. She would keep yelling "juniorrrrrrrr" "venga ahoraaaaaaa", when I look at fonz, he's looking at me and all he says was you better go kid before she comes in here and carries your ass over there. Sometimes he would say hurry up pretend your sleeping pretend your sleeping. So it's not like I was unable to hear her coming as she clapped her way to the room with her chankletas and grabbed me. Brings me to the room, lays me down right smack in the between her and my pops so I wouldn't escape. When I was in the middle it was almost impossible to get out. I would actually wait till they competed in a snoring competition. When both were really loud I knew it was my chance. But I was in the middle so I needed a plan still cause any sudden movements she would wake up, so I faked having to take a piss. I would be in the bathroom fill up a cup with water and just pour it in the toilet so it'll sound like I was going. I would flush, then walk in the room but not climb back in. Now you see I didn't go straight to fonz' room cuz I knew Mireya was expecting me to come back. So I shook the foot of the bed to give the illusion that I was climbing back on. And that's when I would make my exit.
As I got a little bigger I really didn't fit in the middle anymore now I would sleep at the edge. But I hated it. I always wanted to sleep in my bed. So since I was the edge it was easier to escape cuz I would just roll off and she wouldn't notice. As I RAN FOR MY LIFE to fonz' room I Would climb up to my bed and sleep. Minutes later I start to hear clapping coming towards the room and it was Mireya coming to take her slave back to the cage. As much as I liked to sleep at the edge of the bed cuz it was easier to leave, there was always a catch.
This one time...I was 5yrs old, and I remember I was knocked out till Mireya woke me up but just by checking to see if I was asleep. I felt her move me cause I had my back towards her but I didn't open my eyes. I hear her whisper "junior" "junior" "estas despierto" but I didn't want to respond cause I didn't want her to know I was awake waiting for her to fall asleep. SUDDENLY OUT OF NOWHERE THE BED STARTS SHAKING, MY BODY STARTS FUCKIN JUMPING UP AND DOWN, LIKES THERES A FUCKIN EARTHQUAKE GOIN ON ONLY IN THE ROOM. When I look over to see my mother was on top of my father underneath the sheets with her hands by his neck just fuckin hoppin up and down up and down, oh my god I was so scared I didn't know what was happening, I didn't know if she was trying to kill him, choke him, or wat but I think he was fighting for his life cuz I know I heard grunts I know I did, but I knew there was nothing I could do so ran out of there saving my own life. I ran into the living room hiding in a corner rolled up like a ball hoping Mireya won't find me. All I could think about was oh my god she probably got to fonz before I could warn him about her rampage......but then she found me. I couldn't even look at her, my body shaking as she gets closer. She drops to her knees and says "que paso mijito?" and I told her "tu estabas matando a papi en la cama" and she says "como?" "hahaha, yo no le mate, estábamos jugando el salte del tigere".
Florida Day 3-on the way to Disney
So now it's day 3 in boring ass Tampa Florida. It's about 10 something a.m.
I'm fuckin freazin cause I got snowflake sleepin next to me blastin the A.C. Down to like -40 degrees. I have icicles growing outta my nose and my nipples are crazy hard, so hard I can stab somebody in the face with these babies. So to follow the routine tv goes on traveling bitches shows up, tears from my eyes come down, freeze half way through, go downstairs get some coffee eat some stale ass bagels before we hit the road jack.
Now we're in the car setting up our cheap ass GPS to get us to Disney.Yay!!!!!!
Snowball and I are just hoping that the GPS doesn't fuck us over.
Every time we drove somewhere the son of a bitch in the machine kept saying there wasn't any satellite connection.
So we're on the road and if I remember correctly it was about a 2hr/ half trip. But what I do remember was that it was the most painful car ride I think I've ever been in. And of course I'm gonna tell you why you silly goose. All we had to listen to the whole ride there was the mamma mia soundtrack and a few others that made my ears bleed. I couldn't take it...only 5 minutes on the road and I already wanted to unbuckle the seatbelt, open the door and JUMP!!!!
But I was anxious to go to Disney cause I never had the chance to when I was younger.
Mireya was workin 3 jobs as a seamstress at 3 different factories I'm assuming like almost every inmigrante. Except for the ones that work underneath the 61st street train station on Roosevelt ave selling Tamales!!!!!!!!!! Tenemos tamalesratoneschuletas y chorrisos!!!!!!
Luis was working at colbart art making some big ass estatuas de la libertad and some fridge magnets which he loved to hand out to everyone he knew.
While they were working I was home...with my beautiful sister who practically tried to rip my head off of my shoulders with a towel, and my brother who stood up thinkin he was the real slim shady, rappin not even an inch away from my face. So god damn close I could smell his breath and feel his saliva burning my face like it was acid with every verse he spat. But those two I'm gonna leave for another day.
So yes I was anxious. So I needed a plan to survive this torture. So I rolled down the window hoping someone on the next lane was driving the same speed so I can listen in on there radio. I tried and I prayed but nothing. Whack DMC over here had me humming to S.O.S when suddenly I hear a faded big pimpin by jay z driving up behind us on the next lane. So I rolled down the window all the way, look over to frosty and tell her I'm gettin nauseous so I stick my head out lookin like the joker in the dark knight. Jammin to my shit yo. So I'm boppin away boppin away when the music starts to fade. Now I'm trying to yell come back come back, but not too loud to give away my position. I'm over here sounding like Rose in titanic when she tried callin the boats to come back but couldn't yell cause her throat was frozen. The only difference was that I didn't have a whistle. As jay z exited from my life there was nothing left for me to do but take in the noise coming from the stereo and just wait till we got to Disney.
I'm fuckin freazin cause I got snowflake sleepin next to me blastin the A.C. Down to like -40 degrees. I have icicles growing outta my nose and my nipples are crazy hard, so hard I can stab somebody in the face with these babies. So to follow the routine tv goes on traveling bitches shows up, tears from my eyes come down, freeze half way through, go downstairs get some coffee eat some stale ass bagels before we hit the road jack.
Now we're in the car setting up our cheap ass GPS to get us to Disney.Yay!!!!!!
Snowball and I are just hoping that the GPS doesn't fuck us over.
Every time we drove somewhere the son of a bitch in the machine kept saying there wasn't any satellite connection.
So we're on the road and if I remember correctly it was about a 2hr/ half trip. But what I do remember was that it was the most painful car ride I think I've ever been in. And of course I'm gonna tell you why you silly goose. All we had to listen to the whole ride there was the mamma mia soundtrack and a few others that made my ears bleed. I couldn't take it...only 5 minutes on the road and I already wanted to unbuckle the seatbelt, open the door and JUMP!!!!
But I was anxious to go to Disney cause I never had the chance to when I was younger.
Mireya was workin 3 jobs as a seamstress at 3 different factories I'm assuming like almost every inmigrante. Except for the ones that work underneath the 61st street train station on Roosevelt ave selling Tamales!!!!!!!!!! Tenemos tamalesratoneschuletas y chorrisos!!!!!!
Luis was working at colbart art making some big ass estatuas de la libertad and some fridge magnets which he loved to hand out to everyone he knew.
While they were working I was home...with my beautiful sister who practically tried to rip my head off of my shoulders with a towel, and my brother who stood up thinkin he was the real slim shady, rappin not even an inch away from my face. So god damn close I could smell his breath and feel his saliva burning my face like it was acid with every verse he spat. But those two I'm gonna leave for another day.
So yes I was anxious. So I needed a plan to survive this torture. So I rolled down the window hoping someone on the next lane was driving the same speed so I can listen in on there radio. I tried and I prayed but nothing. Whack DMC over here had me humming to S.O.S when suddenly I hear a faded big pimpin by jay z driving up behind us on the next lane. So I rolled down the window all the way, look over to frosty and tell her I'm gettin nauseous so I stick my head out lookin like the joker in the dark knight. Jammin to my shit yo. So I'm boppin away boppin away when the music starts to fade. Now I'm trying to yell come back come back, but not too loud to give away my position. I'm over here sounding like Rose in titanic when she tried callin the boats to come back but couldn't yell cause her throat was frozen. The only difference was that I didn't have a whistle. As jay z exited from my life there was nothing left for me to do but take in the noise coming from the stereo and just wait till we got to Disney.
Wednesday, July 1, 2009
Junior in Tampa- Day 2 (Part 2)
Alright so I head back upstairs after my massive Rocky workout (5mins on the treadmill, 10 pushups, and 10 jumping jacks). Take a shower, brush the fuck outta my teeth because I don't need anybody else telling me I have trippies hot ass breath.
I go downstairs to get caitlin and myself some coffee cause the breakfast here sucks. It consists of old ass mother fuckin bagels and bananas. And believe me them bagels are old.
So caitlin gets ready, hop in the car, and shoot out to grandma's. When we get there, guess who we see rockin' the white tank, khakis, and some sexy ass chankletas with some crusty ass toes lookin like mireya's feet. You got it. It was grandpa by the dirty ass lake feeding his friends some bread crumbs......the ducks. We go over to say hello then make our way into the crib. Truth is only one of us really came to say hello to grandma cause I wanted to see wat she was cookin.
Grandma was cooking white.......wait, Jen get ready and grab some napkins. Your friends don't need to see you drooling. White rice, black beans mmmm yummy Tino, groundbeef mixed with potatoes, sweet plantains, and yuca. So as we're waiting for the food grandma starts talking to me about Mireya. She tells me how she called the crib yesterday asking how I was, and if I was dead or alive because I didn't call her when we got here. So I tell grandma Mireya is losing it now that she has new children to take care of. Before you know it the house phone starts ringin. Caitlin and I are in the smokers cage and grandma opens the door and hands me the phone and I take it not even asking her who it is first, but it's too late now cause it's already in my grasp and it's burning my hand and I don't know why. As I pull the phone to my ear, I look at grandma and she has this fake ass serious look on her face which seems like any second now she's about to laugh or that
she's constipated.
So I say hello and all I hear is a gritón. "hola!!!!!! Hijo. Soy yo tu única madre del mundo. Te acuerdas de mi? Yo no creo porque tu no me llamas. Estoy aquí preocupada porque no sabía si estabas muerto. No a podrido dormir. Por que no me llamastes mi hijo lindo? Tu sabes que yo a llorado porque nadie me estraña. Hay!!!!!! Me quiero morir.
So as i waited for the right moment to strike with an excuse. I looked at grandma and she's just hysterical. The only person I trusted in this whole world just jerked me. I feel like she just stuck her finger up my ass like she did with the suppository years ago. So I get to Mireya and tell her "I'm sorry, es que yo estaba muy ocupado" she says "o si??? Y con que??? Porque si yo me acuerdo bien tu estas en tu vacaciones y yo haca haciendo nada.. So obviously I didn't think it through too much due to the shock I got from grandma's prank......that biOtch.
I go downstairs to get caitlin and myself some coffee cause the breakfast here sucks. It consists of old ass mother fuckin bagels and bananas. And believe me them bagels are old.
So caitlin gets ready, hop in the car, and shoot out to grandma's. When we get there, guess who we see rockin' the white tank, khakis, and some sexy ass chankletas with some crusty ass toes lookin like mireya's feet. You got it. It was grandpa by the dirty ass lake feeding his friends some bread crumbs......the ducks. We go over to say hello then make our way into the crib. Truth is only one of us really came to say hello to grandma cause I wanted to see wat she was cookin.
Grandma was cooking white.......wait, Jen get ready and grab some napkins. Your friends don't need to see you drooling. White rice, black beans mmmm yummy Tino, groundbeef mixed with potatoes, sweet plantains, and yuca. So as we're waiting for the food grandma starts talking to me about Mireya. She tells me how she called the crib yesterday asking how I was, and if I was dead or alive because I didn't call her when we got here. So I tell grandma Mireya is losing it now that she has new children to take care of. Before you know it the house phone starts ringin. Caitlin and I are in the smokers cage and grandma opens the door and hands me the phone and I take it not even asking her who it is first, but it's too late now cause it's already in my grasp and it's burning my hand and I don't know why. As I pull the phone to my ear, I look at grandma and she has this fake ass serious look on her face which seems like any second now she's about to laugh or that
she's constipated.
So I say hello and all I hear is a gritón. "hola!!!!!! Hijo. Soy yo tu única madre del mundo. Te acuerdas de mi? Yo no creo porque tu no me llamas. Estoy aquí preocupada porque no sabía si estabas muerto. No a podrido dormir. Por que no me llamastes mi hijo lindo? Tu sabes que yo a llorado porque nadie me estraña. Hay!!!!!! Me quiero morir.
So as i waited for the right moment to strike with an excuse. I looked at grandma and she's just hysterical. The only person I trusted in this whole world just jerked me. I feel like she just stuck her finger up my ass like she did with the suppository years ago. So I get to Mireya and tell her "I'm sorry, es que yo estaba muy ocupado" she says "o si??? Y con que??? Porque si yo me acuerdo bien tu estas en tu vacaciones y yo haca haciendo nada.. So obviously I didn't think it through too much due to the shock I got from grandma's prank......that biOtch.
Junior in Tampa--- Day 2 (finally)
Well let's get into the second day I was in FL. Because apparently my sister doesn't understand the simple f a c t that I have been busy.
So it's 10 something a.m. Caitlin is still knocked the fuck out. And I'm laying there fartin up a storm cause of all the beans I ate at grandma's, watchin fuckin sisterhood of the traveling panties. Which I have to say is the most boring film I have ever seen. U thought sandra bullocks ya-ya sisterhood was bad? Oh hell no, this shit has you crying from the beginning because it ain't finishing fast enough. Twice in a row i'm stuck watching this horrible movie because the hotel is too cheap to get timewarner yo, motherfuckers got the "hampton inn" cable box.
So I decide to get my lazy ass outta bed and go check out the grand gym this hotel has. I'm trying to get in shape u know that Alfonso Erazo fit. Especially after I'm gonna have a week of grandma's delicious food. So I put on my gym shit on and head downstairs. Now uve ever been so excited to go somewhere or just to check out something? But the only thing waiting for you was a big fuckin slap of disappointment? That's how I felt. I mean I'm gettin dressed right, I'm hyped, I'm doin the Mireya stretches, I'm out the door and 2ft away from the gym I stop. I take a deep breath, hold that shit in so it can make my pex stick out like I'm fuckin Arnold, and then boom I walk in....remember the slap I was talkin about? Yea well I just got it. I'm lookin at this "gym" and I want to cry. I feel like if I wanted to shed some tears I wouldve just stayed upstairs watchin the traveling bitches or fuckin Maury "HE IS NOT THE FATHER".Jen this gym only had a treadmilland an exercise bike.......where the fuck are my weights? I c ouldn't believe this, so I had to pull a gladisita real quick with an "oh hell no boo boo". I fuckin dashed to the front desk and said goodmorning...candice, let me ask you a question; is this the only "gym" you guys have or do you have other ones on each floor? ........She said only 1.
So I said fuck it. Mayb I can make it work with a little bit of joggin, push ups, and jumping jacks. Mind you this gym is like the size of jen's kitchen. So I decide to run for a few. So I turn it on I start walking. Pick up the speed now I'm power walking. I realize I'm fuckin sweatin already. There's like this little fan blowing hot ass air at ur face it feels like u can't even breathe. So now i'm joggin. I'm sweatin buckets, my shirt is drenched, and something stinks and I'm trying to figure it out. So I hop off the treadmill and start doing pushups. Now the smell is unbearable. It's like when your petting tripper and he has his face on your face breathing his fuckin hot-fire breath all up in your nose and burnin your nose hairs, shit makes you go "damn nigga care for a breafmint yo?" so I finish with my push ups and start doin jumping jacks. This in front of the small ass fan which turned out to be a mistake. So I'm doing my jumping jacks and the smell is back. It's I'm like what the fuck is this shit so like any person would do I smell my pits. Now I ain't gonna lie, they smelled iiight.
I'm goin around the room tryin to figure it out and I can't. So I come across a cleaning lady and she asks me if I would like a towel so I said yess please thank-BOOM she cuts me off....covering her nose and mouth as she walked away saying do not mention it. And then I knew.........
Stay tuned for part 2.
So it's 10 something a.m. Caitlin is still knocked the fuck out. And I'm laying there fartin up a storm cause of all the beans I ate at grandma's, watchin fuckin sisterhood of the traveling panties. Which I have to say is the most boring film I have ever seen. U thought sandra bullocks ya-ya sisterhood was bad? Oh hell no, this shit has you crying from the beginning because it ain't finishing fast enough. Twice in a row i'm stuck watching this horrible movie because the hotel is too cheap to get timewarner yo, motherfuckers got the "hampton inn" cable box.
So I decide to get my lazy ass outta bed and go check out the grand gym this hotel has. I'm trying to get in shape u know that Alfonso Erazo fit. Especially after I'm gonna have a week of grandma's delicious food. So I put on my gym shit on and head downstairs. Now uve ever been so excited to go somewhere or just to check out something? But the only thing waiting for you was a big fuckin slap of disappointment? That's how I felt. I mean I'm gettin dressed right, I'm hyped, I'm doin the Mireya stretches, I'm out the door and 2ft away from the gym I stop. I take a deep breath, hold that shit in so it can make my pex stick out like I'm fuckin Arnold, and then boom I walk in....remember the slap I was talkin about? Yea well I just got it. I'm lookin at this "gym" and I want to cry. I feel like if I wanted to shed some tears I wouldve just stayed upstairs watchin the traveling bitches or fuckin Maury "HE IS NOT THE FATHER".Jen this gym only had a treadmilland an exercise bike.......where the fuck are my weights? I c ouldn't believe this, so I had to pull a gladisita real quick with an "oh hell no boo boo". I fuckin dashed to the front desk and said goodmorning...candice, let me ask you a question; is this the only "gym" you guys have or do you have other ones on each floor? ........She said only 1.
So I said fuck it. Mayb I can make it work with a little bit of joggin, push ups, and jumping jacks. Mind you this gym is like the size of jen's kitchen. So I decide to run for a few. So I turn it on I start walking. Pick up the speed now I'm power walking. I realize I'm fuckin sweatin already. There's like this little fan blowing hot ass air at ur face it feels like u can't even breathe. So now i'm joggin. I'm sweatin buckets, my shirt is drenched, and something stinks and I'm trying to figure it out. So I hop off the treadmill and start doing pushups. Now the smell is unbearable. It's like when your petting tripper and he has his face on your face breathing his fuckin hot-fire breath all up in your nose and burnin your nose hairs, shit makes you go "damn nigga care for a breafmint yo?" so I finish with my push ups and start doin jumping jacks. This in front of the small ass fan which turned out to be a mistake. So I'm doing my jumping jacks and the smell is back. It's I'm like what the fuck is this shit so like any person would do I smell my pits. Now I ain't gonna lie, they smelled iiight.
I'm goin around the room tryin to figure it out and I can't. So I come across a cleaning lady and she asks me if I would like a towel so I said yess please thank-BOOM she cuts me off....covering her nose and mouth as she walked away saying do not mention it. And then I knew.........
Stay tuned for part 2.
Wednesday, June 24, 2009
Cast of Characters- Part II
It wouldn't be fair if I didn't give you the following info:
Luis (Sr.)- my step father, Junior's papa. Straight up off the (Mariel) boat Cuban.
Real shit.
Lazaro- my (step) uncle. Luis's brother.
Caitlin- Junior's girlfriend
Grandma and Grandpa- Luis and Lazaro's parents and my dear dear grandparents. Salt of the earth
Luis (Sr.)- my step father, Junior's papa. Straight up off the (Mariel) boat Cuban.
Real shit.
Lazaro- my (step) uncle. Luis's brother.
Caitlin- Junior's girlfriend
Grandma and Grandpa- Luis and Lazaro's parents and my dear dear grandparents. Salt of the earth
Hell Yeah... Junior is back from vacation....
Florida 1st Day
FYI-- in case you can't figure it out.. "Killa" is my step- father's miserable girlfriend.
So here's the Florida 1st day details...
We got there like 9 20am. I spot my pops with this grin and his nasty ass ponytail trying to get that Steven siegal look again. It ain't happenin. So I look right. Far right. And there's killer, just getting up from her seat. I'm like I knew u were here u bitch. Ugly bitch like that with crispy ass hair wearing a fuckin gigantoid hairpin can't hide from me. Anyway, we go to the car and of course I already know she ain't givin up the front seat.
Anywho, luis is driving and he asks if we're hungry we say fuck yea he says ok do u guys wanna go to burger king?.............honestly, accidently I spoke out loud and said FUCK NO. I didn't hop on a plane watchin it go up 50,000ft, goin through clouds, and landing to go to burger king c'mon. So we went to denny's. It was ok. I just couldn't take killers tantrums. "omg where are our napkins. No utensils still? We've been here for 2 mins what's taking so long." just because there's mexicans cooking ur breakfast doesn't mean they're all speedy gonzales bitch.
We get to grandma's, everybodys excited (everybody meaning grandma and grandpa). Lazaro's crazy ass wasn't there. Supposedly his alarm went off knowing killer was coming and the nigga bounced. So we all know wat comes next. Grandma's food.......fuckin bangin. I must of been droolin since the second I walked in that kitchen of heaven and lifted the lid off the pot till I got to the hotel.
So luis caitlin and myself go to the smokers cage, light up our stogeys and just start bullshittin away....NOT even 1 minute passed Jen and who comes a knockin? Can u guess?.....ding ding ding ur right freddy fuckin krueger. She comes through cause she just has to know wat we're talkin about. I wanted to slip Mireya in the convo I wanted to so bad Jen u don't know. I was laughing so much deep inside just picturing how crispy cream over here was gonna react. But I was nice so I didn't. 5 mins later "luis!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Tenemos que hacer compras vamonos." like wat do u really have to go shopping for at 11 30 in the morning? The only 2 people that get up at the ass crack of dawn to start cooking breakfast lunch and dinner all at the same time r grandma and juan. So they leave, caitlin knocks out on lazaro's bed and I'm there talkin to grandma and grandpa bout the kids n shit. Lazaro comes through jumps in the shower, changes and tells me to go to the
market with him. We hopped in the car of course and went. Nothing is walking distance over there. I must of seen about 7 people walking the whole week. Lazaro was in dying need of his breadsticks. When we get there everytime he passed a woman this is wat he said:
"Co ÑO"
"hay mamacita"
"te quiero"
"I love joo"
"I wanna marry joo"
We get the breadsticks, and start heading back. So I mumble that it's hot and that I'm bout to jump in the pool when I get back but I remembered my luggage was in luis' car. Lazaro says "bueno vamonos para ya para que te enseñe que esa come mierda no hico ningúnas compras. Before u know it BOOM there's his van parked in front of their crib. Unfreakin believable. So luis comes out takes my bag out and tells me that in like 10mins he was gonna head back to grandma's...yea riiiiiiight. I say bye see u later, as I look up at their balcony there's fuckin hellraiser makin sure luis ain't goin nowhere.
Went back jumped in the pool, caitlin got burnt ha ha, back to grandma's ate one more time, shot out to the hotel and knocked the fuck out....
6 more days of funny ass shit coming your way. Believe it.
FYI-- in case you can't figure it out.. "Killa" is my step- father's miserable girlfriend.
So here's the Florida 1st day details...
We got there like 9 20am. I spot my pops with this grin and his nasty ass ponytail trying to get that Steven siegal look again. It ain't happenin. So I look right. Far right. And there's killer, just getting up from her seat. I'm like I knew u were here u bitch. Ugly bitch like that with crispy ass hair wearing a fuckin gigantoid hairpin can't hide from me. Anyway, we go to the car and of course I already know she ain't givin up the front seat.
Anywho, luis is driving and he asks if we're hungry we say fuck yea he says ok do u guys wanna go to burger king?.............honestly, accidently I spoke out loud and said FUCK NO. I didn't hop on a plane watchin it go up 50,000ft, goin through clouds, and landing to go to burger king c'mon. So we went to denny's. It was ok. I just couldn't take killers tantrums. "omg where are our napkins. No utensils still? We've been here for 2 mins what's taking so long." just because there's mexicans cooking ur breakfast doesn't mean they're all speedy gonzales bitch.
We get to grandma's, everybodys excited (everybody meaning grandma and grandpa). Lazaro's crazy ass wasn't there. Supposedly his alarm went off knowing killer was coming and the nigga bounced. So we all know wat comes next. Grandma's food.......fuckin bangin. I must of been droolin since the second I walked in that kitchen of heaven and lifted the lid off the pot till I got to the hotel.
So luis caitlin and myself go to the smokers cage, light up our stogeys and just start bullshittin away....NOT even 1 minute passed Jen and who comes a knockin? Can u guess?.....ding ding ding ur right freddy fuckin krueger. She comes through cause she just has to know wat we're talkin about. I wanted to slip Mireya in the convo I wanted to so bad Jen u don't know. I was laughing so much deep inside just picturing how crispy cream over here was gonna react. But I was nice so I didn't. 5 mins later "luis!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Tenemos que hacer compras vamonos." like wat do u really have to go shopping for at 11 30 in the morning? The only 2 people that get up at the ass crack of dawn to start cooking breakfast lunch and dinner all at the same time r grandma and juan. So they leave, caitlin knocks out on lazaro's bed and I'm there talkin to grandma and grandpa bout the kids n shit. Lazaro comes through jumps in the shower, changes and tells me to go to the
market with him. We hopped in the car of course and went. Nothing is walking distance over there. I must of seen about 7 people walking the whole week. Lazaro was in dying need of his breadsticks. When we get there everytime he passed a woman this is wat he said:
"Co ÑO"
"hay mamacita"
"te quiero"
"I love joo"
"I wanna marry joo"
We get the breadsticks, and start heading back. So I mumble that it's hot and that I'm bout to jump in the pool when I get back but I remembered my luggage was in luis' car. Lazaro says "bueno vamonos para ya para que te enseñe que esa come mierda no hico ningúnas compras. Before u know it BOOM there's his van parked in front of their crib. Unfreakin believable. So luis comes out takes my bag out and tells me that in like 10mins he was gonna head back to grandma's...yea riiiiiiight. I say bye see u later, as I look up at their balcony there's fuckin hellraiser makin sure luis ain't goin nowhere.
Went back jumped in the pool, caitlin got burnt ha ha, back to grandma's ate one more time, shot out to the hotel and knocked the fuck out....
6 more days of funny ass shit coming your way. Believe it.
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